The mind loves to entertain itself with ideas and stories. It loves to see what it can come up with. I'm giving my mind the time to play with itself during designated hours and I'm using it for writing stories. If I don't use it, it will start using me and telling me stories that I don't need to hear.
The Practice
Morning meditation at home - 30 minutes
Morning yoga at the park - 1 hour
Reflection
I had an energizing start to my day. The morning meditation, followed by yoga definitely clears the psyche. There's energy and clear vision afterwards. But it doesn't take away from being aware of my breath through out the day. It's very easy to fall into the old traps once focus is lost. Practicing yoga and meditation is grounding, but it's not a substitute for being here now thereafter.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Day 11
Analogy on awakening as I see it:
Awakening is like learning how to walk. We get all excited about the possibility so we get up too soon and immediately fall down. We're not discouraged though. We try again and again until we finally get on our feet. Then, we begin to stumble around looking for something to hold on to, but there's nothing there, so we fall down again. In the attempt to stop falling down, we get stuck in this precarious, wobbly standing position because we don't want to go back to crawling, but neither are we walking yet. We're not sure which foot is the right one to step with, so we don't take any steps at all, all the while, totally ignorant of the fact that there is no wrong step because whichever foot we step with will inevitably be balanced with its opposite. But until we see the truth of it with our own eyes, we don't trust it because it's a totally new experience for us. One of two things happen, we either take the leap of faith and start walking or fall back down and try again.
I'm in the process of all the above. At times, I can walk perfectly well and at others, I feel like I'm still crawling. Yet, I keep taking the leap of faith. Peter Brown, a fully integrated spiritual teacher, reminds us that we're already always walking and the only reason it feels like we're not is because we think that there is a difference between walking and crawling when in fact, it's one and the same.
The Practice
Morning meditation at ZCLA - 1 hour
Qigong standing meditation - 15 minutes
Attentive group listening and sharing at ZCLA - 1 hour
Reflection
I had a fight with my zofu cushion at mediation today. I sat in a Burmese position like I did yesterday, but today my foot completely fell asleep and there was too much tightness in my hip. I had to switch legs mid-way, which I don't prefer doing since it breaks the flow of presence, but doesn't everything, I reminded myself. A passing ice cream truck could break presence if I let it. I accepted the experience for what it was. I switched positions for the 3rd time to my more comfortable kneeling position and breathed.
Adjusting my sitting might take some time, but breathing does not take any time at all.
Awakening is like learning how to walk. We get all excited about the possibility so we get up too soon and immediately fall down. We're not discouraged though. We try again and again until we finally get on our feet. Then, we begin to stumble around looking for something to hold on to, but there's nothing there, so we fall down again. In the attempt to stop falling down, we get stuck in this precarious, wobbly standing position because we don't want to go back to crawling, but neither are we walking yet. We're not sure which foot is the right one to step with, so we don't take any steps at all, all the while, totally ignorant of the fact that there is no wrong step because whichever foot we step with will inevitably be balanced with its opposite. But until we see the truth of it with our own eyes, we don't trust it because it's a totally new experience for us. One of two things happen, we either take the leap of faith and start walking or fall back down and try again.
I'm in the process of all the above. At times, I can walk perfectly well and at others, I feel like I'm still crawling. Yet, I keep taking the leap of faith. Peter Brown, a fully integrated spiritual teacher, reminds us that we're already always walking and the only reason it feels like we're not is because we think that there is a difference between walking and crawling when in fact, it's one and the same.
The Practice
Morning meditation at ZCLA - 1 hour
Qigong standing meditation - 15 minutes
Attentive group listening and sharing at ZCLA - 1 hour
Reflection
I had a fight with my zofu cushion at mediation today. I sat in a Burmese position like I did yesterday, but today my foot completely fell asleep and there was too much tightness in my hip. I had to switch legs mid-way, which I don't prefer doing since it breaks the flow of presence, but doesn't everything, I reminded myself. A passing ice cream truck could break presence if I let it. I accepted the experience for what it was. I switched positions for the 3rd time to my more comfortable kneeling position and breathed.
Adjusting my sitting might take some time, but breathing does not take any time at all.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Day 10
A day of rest in my own body.
PMS day #3: I woke up dehydrated, feverish, with a splitting headache and a stomach ache. I'm not saying this to complain. I'm just naming the symptoms.
I opened the blinds, sat on a chair, and surrendered to my body's achiness. It shivered, it shook, it resisted, but I sat for a while before doing anything else. Then, I got up and made myself some tea with toast and sour cherries gem, a russian a favorite of mine, and savored that. I knew that I was going to eat differently today and I let that happen. I also knew that today was not going to look like an ordinary day for me because my body wanted something different. I watched a romantic comedy for the first time in months.
The achiness went away around five o'clock. I'm feeling like my old self, whatever that means.
The Practice
Afternoon meditation at home for 30 minutes - I tried the burmese position for the first time where both legs are folded in front of you, not on top of each other.
Light stretching after the meditation
Reflection
I had a semi-good sit if that makes any sense. The "semi" part being that I was able to sit in a new position for half an hour, but I was still in the adjustment mode. Counting breaths helped keep me somewhat grounded, but I was mostly focusing on straightening up. I did actually surrender to how ever I was sitting several times and the body just normalized to how it was comfortable without all my adjustments, but as soon as the mind came in and said, "that doesn't feel right," it stopped feeling right.
Interesting discovery: I found a buckwheat pillow (like the ones they use in meditation) in my room that I did not know I had and have no idea where it came from. It helped support my butt with this new position.
PMS day #3: I woke up dehydrated, feverish, with a splitting headache and a stomach ache. I'm not saying this to complain. I'm just naming the symptoms.
I opened the blinds, sat on a chair, and surrendered to my body's achiness. It shivered, it shook, it resisted, but I sat for a while before doing anything else. Then, I got up and made myself some tea with toast and sour cherries gem, a russian a favorite of mine, and savored that. I knew that I was going to eat differently today and I let that happen. I also knew that today was not going to look like an ordinary day for me because my body wanted something different. I watched a romantic comedy for the first time in months.
The achiness went away around five o'clock. I'm feeling like my old self, whatever that means.
The Practice
Afternoon meditation at home for 30 minutes - I tried the burmese position for the first time where both legs are folded in front of you, not on top of each other.
Light stretching after the meditation
Reflection
I had a semi-good sit if that makes any sense. The "semi" part being that I was able to sit in a new position for half an hour, but I was still in the adjustment mode. Counting breaths helped keep me somewhat grounded, but I was mostly focusing on straightening up. I did actually surrender to how ever I was sitting several times and the body just normalized to how it was comfortable without all my adjustments, but as soon as the mind came in and said, "that doesn't feel right," it stopped feeling right.
Interesting discovery: I found a buckwheat pillow (like the ones they use in meditation) in my room that I did not know I had and have no idea where it came from. It helped support my butt with this new position.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Day 9
I just came back from my Qigong class and I made a little stop at Jack-in-my stomach on my way home. I haven't craved fast food in months. Thankfully, I only had half of the chicken grilled sandwich and a few fries. But that's not the point.
Welcome to PMS day #2. It's all by the book, really. On the more positive note, breathing through this time and feeling the body makes the body feel like it's floating. The sensitivity does not only relate to emotions, but to skin as well. The feelings are sharper and more intense. When I stay alert enough, my body becomes the vehicle for amazing experiences. The operative words being... when I stay alert.
The Practice
Morning Yoga at the park - 1 hour
Afternoon meditation at home - 30 minutes
Evening Qigong in a class - 1 hour
Reflection
The morning yoga felt great today. I was one with every breath and every movement. My body opened up even more. I had a smile on my face walking to my car. I wanted to travel and see things. Then, I had an inspiring writing session at home.
My afternoon meditation, on the other hand, was a bit tougher today. I had a slight variation leaning more forward than I'm used to, the way that Roshi showed me yesterday, and I kept adjusting my body the entire sit. I observed my mind as I was adjusting and it kept trying to convince me that I was doing it wrong, but I kept reminding myself that this too is a part of it. Not every sit is going to be smooth sailing. Whatever arises...
My body was super sensitive during the Qigong class. I haven't been to a class in almost two months and the length of the movements were intense. Surprisingly, my sensitivity made certain moves easier and more flowy and others, torturous. You take the good with the bad. In the end, it's all good.
Welcome to PMS day #2. It's all by the book, really. On the more positive note, breathing through this time and feeling the body makes the body feel like it's floating. The sensitivity does not only relate to emotions, but to skin as well. The feelings are sharper and more intense. When I stay alert enough, my body becomes the vehicle for amazing experiences. The operative words being... when I stay alert.
The Practice
Morning Yoga at the park - 1 hour
Afternoon meditation at home - 30 minutes
Evening Qigong in a class - 1 hour
Reflection
The morning yoga felt great today. I was one with every breath and every movement. My body opened up even more. I had a smile on my face walking to my car. I wanted to travel and see things. Then, I had an inspiring writing session at home.
My afternoon meditation, on the other hand, was a bit tougher today. I had a slight variation leaning more forward than I'm used to, the way that Roshi showed me yesterday, and I kept adjusting my body the entire sit. I observed my mind as I was adjusting and it kept trying to convince me that I was doing it wrong, but I kept reminding myself that this too is a part of it. Not every sit is going to be smooth sailing. Whatever arises...
My body was super sensitive during the Qigong class. I haven't been to a class in almost two months and the length of the movements were intense. Surprisingly, my sensitivity made certain moves easier and more flowy and others, torturous. You take the good with the bad. In the end, it's all good.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Day 8
Three generations of women were hanging out at my grandmother's studio apartment today, me, my mother, and my grandmother. My upcoming period is around the corner. Need I say more. Breath-awareness has been in order. This is the time to stay super alert. (Cookies help too :) )
The Practice
Afternoon meditation at home - 30 minutes
Zazen Clinic with Roshi ( ZCLA's Abbot) - my meditation bench might not be the right height. I will attempt the half-lotus position.
Reflection
Adjusting the body has been just as important as adjusting the mind. Staying in tuned with the emotional reactions to insignificant things has been working. I felt myself getting more sensitive and irritated, but not totally lost. Sitting in breath-awareness and mind-awareness helps. Although, I did get slightly annoyed that I might have to change my sitting position. But isn't that how it goes? The moment you get used to something, change becomes inevitable.
The Practice
Afternoon meditation at home - 30 minutes
Zazen Clinic with Roshi ( ZCLA's Abbot) - my meditation bench might not be the right height. I will attempt the half-lotus position.
Reflection
Adjusting the body has been just as important as adjusting the mind. Staying in tuned with the emotional reactions to insignificant things has been working. I felt myself getting more sensitive and irritated, but not totally lost. Sitting in breath-awareness and mind-awareness helps. Although, I did get slightly annoyed that I might have to change my sitting position. But isn't that how it goes? The moment you get used to something, change becomes inevitable.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Day 7
These Wednesday summer days I've been spending with my mom at the Huntington Gardens. She took me out to the tea room with crust-free sandwiches and bite-size deserts. It was a lovely English tea party we had like the ones I used to have with my dolls when I was a little girl or in my case, they were Russian tea parties.
My flip flop broke as soon as we got to the gardens and they had no shoes at the gift shop. I spent the day hopping on one leg and walking on grass. In a way, I was a like a kid again and didn't even know it. When things that we deem as "bad" or "out of the program" happen to us, as adults we try and rationalize "why did this happen?" or "it always happens to me." In reality, curve balls are designed to snap us out of the program and see what's actually happening. I enjoyed hopping and walking on grass, but I wouldn't have thought of doing that if my flip flop didn't break.
The Practice
Morning Qigong & standing meditation - 30 minutes
Afternoon Zazen (sitting in stillness and observing the breath) - 30 minutes
Reflection
I didn't count my breaths today during the sitting meditation. I was right with it. They were deep and long. I had a few projections and fantasies, but I snapped out of them pretty quickly. I got a little antsy toward the end and had to take longer breaths. It didn't last long though, because the alarm went off soon after.
I usually tend to to walk around my room right after meditation and without calling it anything, I'm still in meditation. I didn't know what I should afterwards, so I didn't do anything and went with what happens. It led me to listen to Byron Katie on YouTube, she asks 4 questions in her work in regards to the legitimacy of our thoughts and they are:
1. Is it true?
2. Are you sure?
3. What's the emotional reaction?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
After listening to her, I had no definite thoughts, so I went for a care-free walk around my neighborhood. Everything is exactly as it should be.
My flip flop broke as soon as we got to the gardens and they had no shoes at the gift shop. I spent the day hopping on one leg and walking on grass. In a way, I was a like a kid again and didn't even know it. When things that we deem as "bad" or "out of the program" happen to us, as adults we try and rationalize "why did this happen?" or "it always happens to me." In reality, curve balls are designed to snap us out of the program and see what's actually happening. I enjoyed hopping and walking on grass, but I wouldn't have thought of doing that if my flip flop didn't break.
The Practice
Morning Qigong & standing meditation - 30 minutes
Afternoon Zazen (sitting in stillness and observing the breath) - 30 minutes
Reflection
I didn't count my breaths today during the sitting meditation. I was right with it. They were deep and long. I had a few projections and fantasies, but I snapped out of them pretty quickly. I got a little antsy toward the end and had to take longer breaths. It didn't last long though, because the alarm went off soon after.
I usually tend to to walk around my room right after meditation and without calling it anything, I'm still in meditation. I didn't know what I should afterwards, so I didn't do anything and went with what happens. It led me to listen to Byron Katie on YouTube, she asks 4 questions in her work in regards to the legitimacy of our thoughts and they are:
1. Is it true?
2. Are you sure?
3. What's the emotional reaction?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
After listening to her, I had no definite thoughts, so I went for a care-free walk around my neighborhood. Everything is exactly as it should be.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Day 6
Lesson of the day: We are in service of this moment. When we service this moment, this moment serves us.
I didn't have any concrete plans for today. As I'm still on my summer break from substitute teaching, I get to live each day as it comes if I choose. That's still the case when I work, but even more so. The reason I say "choose" is because the mind tends to go haywire when I don't have something planned. I decided to see what happens without a plan in mind.
At first, I felt bored and very uncomfortable. My mind kept repeating, "I should be doing something." I didn't listen, instead I paced the room while observing my emotions, as well as my mind. Within minutes, the feelings of guilt, boredom, and discomfort disappeared and the doing happened by itself. I went to the kitchen, I made myself lunch, I ate it, then I felt inspired to take out a story I'm working on, go to the bookstore, and read it. There was none of that "should I? or shouldn't I?" I just did. In fact, I didn't. The doing happened on its own.
The Practice
Morning yoga at the park
Afternoon 20 minute unstructured meditation
Evening Zazen for two sits and a walk
Reflection
I was spacing out a lot today during the evening meditation. My mind either projected or spaced out. Projection is future story-telling: I see myself here or there or doing this or talking with that person. If it's a nice story, then it feels good and satisfying, if it's one of the worst case scenarios, then it leads to anxiety. Ultimately, all stories lead to anxiety. Hence, I kept coming back to the breath and the present moment.
My left shoulder began to hurt as well. In reality, I'm not sure if it really hurt or if it was my mind telling me it did. Because whenever I placed my attention on it, it did not hurt, but as soon as my attention shifted, I felt it again. I feel relaxed now though.
I didn't have any concrete plans for today. As I'm still on my summer break from substitute teaching, I get to live each day as it comes if I choose. That's still the case when I work, but even more so. The reason I say "choose" is because the mind tends to go haywire when I don't have something planned. I decided to see what happens without a plan in mind.
At first, I felt bored and very uncomfortable. My mind kept repeating, "I should be doing something." I didn't listen, instead I paced the room while observing my emotions, as well as my mind. Within minutes, the feelings of guilt, boredom, and discomfort disappeared and the doing happened by itself. I went to the kitchen, I made myself lunch, I ate it, then I felt inspired to take out a story I'm working on, go to the bookstore, and read it. There was none of that "should I? or shouldn't I?" I just did. In fact, I didn't. The doing happened on its own.
The Practice
Morning yoga at the park
Afternoon 20 minute unstructured meditation
Evening Zazen for two sits and a walk
Reflection
I was spacing out a lot today during the evening meditation. My mind either projected or spaced out. Projection is future story-telling: I see myself here or there or doing this or talking with that person. If it's a nice story, then it feels good and satisfying, if it's one of the worst case scenarios, then it leads to anxiety. Ultimately, all stories lead to anxiety. Hence, I kept coming back to the breath and the present moment.
My left shoulder began to hurt as well. In reality, I'm not sure if it really hurt or if it was my mind telling me it did. Because whenever I placed my attention on it, it did not hurt, but as soon as my attention shifted, I felt it again. I feel relaxed now though.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)