When my long-term assignment ended three days earlier, I wondered if there was a reason for it. The next morning, on my way to drop off the classroom key, I get a call from a friend asking me to take her to Urgent Care. My friend is doing fine and she got the help she needed. Is there a connection? Who knows? But it sure feels like things tend to happen for a reason.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 15 minutes
Evening meditation - 15 minutes
Reflection
Things are flowing more organically or I'm going more with the flow. I'm not sure which. There's still that quieter nagging voice in the background that asks, "Am I doing enough? Am I doing the right thing?" But the questions are becoming fainter and less serious, as well as the feelings of guilt associated with them.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Day 40
They say that in the moment of decision the universe works to assist you. I decided that this coming Thursday was going to be my last day at the long-term sub position as I feel that I've done my part in that classroom and it's time to pass down the torch. Yesterday after school I get a call from the office manager saying that they hired the new teacher and I'm being released from my assignment as of that moment.
In these so-called "hard times" most people are trying to keep their jobs as long as possible; yet, I don't get that need. I had a realization the other day that I don't make the money, none of us do. We don't go to work to "make money," we go to know ourselves. We go to know our joys, our limits, our irritations, our frustrations, our need for security. The money itself is the byproduct of what we're drawn to at any given time. Does it mean that if we sit at home all day and don't go to work, the money will keep on coming? May be. We don't know because we're too busy being scared that we'll end up on the street. But if we really look at the motivation behind going to work or not going to work, it has nothing to do with money, but rather where we're being drawn.
On the surface it seems like we're doing this thing or that for a specific reason, but really we're not doing anything, IT'S doing us.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 10 minutes
Reflection
It's been 40 days and nights. Sitting in the mornings has become as natural as making my bed. And making my bed hasn't always been natural. It's like anything, I suppose. I was listening to Byron Katie talk about brushing her teeth on You Tube the other day. She was saying how difficult it used to be to just get up and brush her teeth at the time of her deep depression. And then one day she heard her own voice saying "all you have to do is brush your teeth."
We don't have to overwhelm ourselves with "all the things we have to do." The only thing we ever have to do at any given moment is just brush our teeth or make our bed or sit.
In these so-called "hard times" most people are trying to keep their jobs as long as possible; yet, I don't get that need. I had a realization the other day that I don't make the money, none of us do. We don't go to work to "make money," we go to know ourselves. We go to know our joys, our limits, our irritations, our frustrations, our need for security. The money itself is the byproduct of what we're drawn to at any given time. Does it mean that if we sit at home all day and don't go to work, the money will keep on coming? May be. We don't know because we're too busy being scared that we'll end up on the street. But if we really look at the motivation behind going to work or not going to work, it has nothing to do with money, but rather where we're being drawn.
On the surface it seems like we're doing this thing or that for a specific reason, but really we're not doing anything, IT'S doing us.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 10 minutes
Reflection
It's been 40 days and nights. Sitting in the mornings has become as natural as making my bed. And making my bed hasn't always been natural. It's like anything, I suppose. I was listening to Byron Katie talk about brushing her teeth on You Tube the other day. She was saying how difficult it used to be to just get up and brush her teeth at the time of her deep depression. And then one day she heard her own voice saying "all you have to do is brush your teeth."
We don't have to overwhelm ourselves with "all the things we have to do." The only thing we ever have to do at any given moment is just brush our teeth or make our bed or sit.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Day 38
There's stillness in the unlikeliest of places. In the past two nights, I've gone to a classic rock show and a dance club and both times I was actually able to stay rooted inside while dancing and listening to the blasting music. Granted, I did not drink nor did I want to. But I was able to have a good time without the external stimuli. The loudness that used to bother me was nothing but ripples on the surface to the depth within.
Not having gone to a dance club in a long time, I witnessed a vast difference in my inner world. Things that are happening out there are becoming less and less tangible. Living from the inside out is not so much an idea any more, but reality.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
I share these selected experiences in the blog and they feel so out of place with the way the day actually progresses; yet, they fit right in. I allow myself to be led more. I don't know if I'm allowing or I'm just being led; whichever the case, I'm sensing the difference between "have to do" and just doing. For instance, I came online thinking I was going to write in "Creating Me" blog first because I haven't written in that one in a while. I wasn't going to write in "Breathing Through It" until tomorrow. As I sat staring at the "New Post" page, my fingers clicked on the other button for this blog, typed Day 38, and the writing flowed.
Who is doing it? I might have an idea about something, but the rest of me has a mind of its own.
Not having gone to a dance club in a long time, I witnessed a vast difference in my inner world. Things that are happening out there are becoming less and less tangible. Living from the inside out is not so much an idea any more, but reality.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
I share these selected experiences in the blog and they feel so out of place with the way the day actually progresses; yet, they fit right in. I allow myself to be led more. I don't know if I'm allowing or I'm just being led; whichever the case, I'm sensing the difference between "have to do" and just doing. For instance, I came online thinking I was going to write in "Creating Me" blog first because I haven't written in that one in a while. I wasn't going to write in "Breathing Through It" until tomorrow. As I sat staring at the "New Post" page, my fingers clicked on the other button for this blog, typed Day 38, and the writing flowed.
Who is doing it? I might have an idea about something, but the rest of me has a mind of its own.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Day 36
Alone time has become a necessity. Solitary walks, time at the park, and quiet sits at home.
The Practice
5:45 AM Meditation - 15 minutes
7:30 PM Zazen - 30 minutes
8:00 PM Personal practice talk at ZCLA - 1 hour
Reflection
"Whatever disappears when you're not thinking is not real." - Adyashanti
That includes everything. When my mind is still and my heart is quiet, the so-called "problems" tend to fade away; in which case, were they ever real? It puts a spin on everything we value as important. Next week's problems are not important. Next day's problems are not important. Even next minute's problems are not important. Eckhart Tolle points out, "what problem are you having at this moment?"
The Practice
5:45 AM Meditation - 15 minutes
7:30 PM Zazen - 30 minutes
8:00 PM Personal practice talk at ZCLA - 1 hour
Reflection
"Whatever disappears when you're not thinking is not real." - Adyashanti
That includes everything. When my mind is still and my heart is quiet, the so-called "problems" tend to fade away; in which case, were they ever real? It puts a spin on everything we value as important. Next week's problems are not important. Next day's problems are not important. Even next minute's problems are not important. Eckhart Tolle points out, "what problem are you having at this moment?"
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Day 35
When I was driving home from work yesterday, I looked over at the tall apartment buildings off of the 101 freeway near downtown and I pictured myself sitting in one of the studio apartments looking out of the window and listening to the cars passing by. The energy inside of me shifted and it was like I've already lived in that apartment. It was not the same as dejavu. It was more like I knew that I did.
I had the back window open in my car. The combination of the smell of the air and my internal state, as well as Eluvium playing in the background, which I find quiets the mind, put me in this "I'm exactly where I want to be"state. It was as if I was watching myself in a movie and I wouldn't have the movie be any other way. And it wasn't just one scene of the movie, it was the entire movie happening all at once. But because it was happening all at once, everything was standing still. Yet, I knew there was movement in the stillness or stillness in the movement. I'm not sure.
The Practice
5:50 AM meditation - 15 minutes
Cardio - 30 minutes
Reflection
Repetitive and negative thoughts are becoming louder and clearer. It's easier to differentiate the negative thoughts from the positive. They are so evident and they repeat themselves as often as I fixate on them. But it's different now. I don't believe most of them. The reason I say most is because there are some that I might not be aware of yet. But I can hear these thoughts like a broken record. They don't stay long though. And some no longer stick. Even if I want to fixate a little longer, they just roll off the table like marbles and I can hear the faint sound of them rolling away farther and farther.
I had the back window open in my car. The combination of the smell of the air and my internal state, as well as Eluvium playing in the background, which I find quiets the mind, put me in this "I'm exactly where I want to be"state. It was as if I was watching myself in a movie and I wouldn't have the movie be any other way. And it wasn't just one scene of the movie, it was the entire movie happening all at once. But because it was happening all at once, everything was standing still. Yet, I knew there was movement in the stillness or stillness in the movement. I'm not sure.
The Practice
5:50 AM meditation - 15 minutes
Cardio - 30 minutes
Reflection
Repetitive and negative thoughts are becoming louder and clearer. It's easier to differentiate the negative thoughts from the positive. They are so evident and they repeat themselves as often as I fixate on them. But it's different now. I don't believe most of them. The reason I say most is because there are some that I might not be aware of yet. But I can hear these thoughts like a broken record. They don't stay long though. And some no longer stick. Even if I want to fixate a little longer, they just roll off the table like marbles and I can hear the faint sound of them rolling away farther and farther.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Day 34
Yesterday in school, I had such resistance to being there for the first part of the day. I wanted to walk out and never look back. And then, as if by magic, I stopped focusing on not wanting to be there. I just stopped focusing. I'm not sure if I simply accepted the resistance for what it is or allowed the stillness to take over my mind instead of my mind taking over the stillness, but something lifted.
Then, I realized that I'm not teaching to make a living. I'm not doing anything to make a living. Anything that I do, I do to know myself. I come to work to know my joys, my pains, my irritations, my limits, etcetera. It doesn't meant that I will stay in the same situation all of my life, but while I'm there, I'm there to know myself. While I'm anywhere, I'm anywhere to know myself.
At the end of school, one of the administrators told me that they're removing one of my classes because there are not enough kids in that class. It also happens to be the class that I had to do the most preparation for.
The Practice
6:00 AM sitting meditation - 10 minutes
Walk - 20 minutes
Listening to Adyashanti in presence - 20 minutes
Reflection
I'm including listening to awakened teachers into my meditation practice. Everything is included in the meditation practice. I do it in the car. I do it in the park. I do it at work. I do it with my parents. I do it while I walk. And there's also something about being in front of a teacher either at a Satsang, Dharma talk, or even listening to one on You Tube that settles the mind and deepens the soul.
Then, I realized that I'm not teaching to make a living. I'm not doing anything to make a living. Anything that I do, I do to know myself. I come to work to know my joys, my pains, my irritations, my limits, etcetera. It doesn't meant that I will stay in the same situation all of my life, but while I'm there, I'm there to know myself. While I'm anywhere, I'm anywhere to know myself.
At the end of school, one of the administrators told me that they're removing one of my classes because there are not enough kids in that class. It also happens to be the class that I had to do the most preparation for.
The Practice
6:00 AM sitting meditation - 10 minutes
Walk - 20 minutes
Listening to Adyashanti in presence - 20 minutes
Reflection
I'm including listening to awakened teachers into my meditation practice. Everything is included in the meditation practice. I do it in the car. I do it in the park. I do it at work. I do it with my parents. I do it while I walk. And there's also something about being in front of a teacher either at a Satsang, Dharma talk, or even listening to one on You Tube that settles the mind and deepens the soul.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Day 33
Everything has a momentum. When I had little to do, then even the smallest of tasks seemed like a lot. When I started teaching and days became quicker and busier, then I would come home feeling like there was more that I could do.
So, if everything has a momentum, then so does the awakening process. If I place more of my attention on unwanted thoughts, then I get more of unwanted thoughts. If I place more of my attention on sense perceptions, my breath, and stillness, then it starts to expand and deepen.
Interestingly enough, I don't know who is doing it? Am I choosing to become more aware or is the awareness doing it all on its own? Ultimately, the awareness and me are one. The only reason it feels like duality is because the mind wants to claim credit.
The Practice
5:50 AM meditation - 10 minutes
Walk - 30 minutes
Evening meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
I felt really tired around five o'clock and could've fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. So, I laid down to see. Instead of falling asleep, I stared at the spot on the wall in front of me. Everything moved out of focus, even the boundaries of my own body. After ten or so minutes, I got up and began working on my story. The mind tried to pull me in by asking "why are you working on your story all of a sudden?" I ignored it and just went along with the momentum.
I realized that without all that analysis paralysis, whatever wants to be created or expressed through us naturally drives us to move.
So, if everything has a momentum, then so does the awakening process. If I place more of my attention on unwanted thoughts, then I get more of unwanted thoughts. If I place more of my attention on sense perceptions, my breath, and stillness, then it starts to expand and deepen.
Interestingly enough, I don't know who is doing it? Am I choosing to become more aware or is the awareness doing it all on its own? Ultimately, the awareness and me are one. The only reason it feels like duality is because the mind wants to claim credit.
The Practice
5:50 AM meditation - 10 minutes
Walk - 30 minutes
Evening meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
I felt really tired around five o'clock and could've fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. So, I laid down to see. Instead of falling asleep, I stared at the spot on the wall in front of me. Everything moved out of focus, even the boundaries of my own body. After ten or so minutes, I got up and began working on my story. The mind tried to pull me in by asking "why are you working on your story all of a sudden?" I ignored it and just went along with the momentum.
I realized that without all that analysis paralysis, whatever wants to be created or expressed through us naturally drives us to move.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Day 32
Monday mornings have a certain quality to them. Going off of the mind, it carries the weight of the entire upcoming week on top of its shoulders. Going off of this moment, there's ease and silence of being. There's aliveness in the body. There's awareness of the whooshing of the cars passing by. There's breath in my lungs.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Yoga - 30 minutes
Reflection
I got a bit caught up yesterday in the "everything I have to do" mindset and it wasn't until several hours later that it dawned on me, for the tenth million time, that I don't have to ever carry more than one item at a time. And that one item only applies to this one moment when it's being carried. For instance, writing these words is the one item and writing them now is the only time I can ever do that. When I get up and start getting dressed that will be my one item. When I make myself tea after that, that will be another one item and so on...
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Yoga - 30 minutes
Reflection
I got a bit caught up yesterday in the "everything I have to do" mindset and it wasn't until several hours later that it dawned on me, for the tenth million time, that I don't have to ever carry more than one item at a time. And that one item only applies to this one moment when it's being carried. For instance, writing these words is the one item and writing them now is the only time I can ever do that. When I get up and start getting dressed that will be my one item. When I make myself tea after that, that will be another one item and so on...
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Day 31
I did not blog on Yom Kippur. It wasn't intentional nor was it by accident. I simply did not feel like it. I listened to the singing of my scratchy throat to slow down. I'm pleased to report that I'm feeling better.
Yesterday was another day of reflection at the Zen Center. We had to do three sits, followed by the precept talk, silent snack, and the precept circle. I have to say that I found myself in the state of resistance almost the entire time. First, I couldn't seem to get comfortable in my sitting. Then, I had the opportunity to see a teacher, so I sat and waited in meditation for about an hour, and when I saw her, she spent the third of the time with me that she spent with other people and I left a bit annoyed. Unlike previous times of choice and flavor, we had cheese and crackers for our snack. Neither my stomach nor my mind was getting any food and I began to feel my body contract from both the oncoming fever and the outgoing peace.
By the time I got to the precept circle, my heart barely left a crack for the sun to shine through. As people in the circle began sharing the dark sides of their soul, I began to see my own dark side. Things didn't go as I wanted them to and my reaction was to shrivel up, withdraw, and judge the experience. Interestingly enough, the precept we were discussing had to do with diversity and bearing witness to the joys and suffering of others. As I sat there in my closed state, a reminding thought came, "it has nothing to do with me, just listen." I put all my complaints aside and focused all my attention on the person talking. Miraculously, little by little, my heart began to open up and all was well again.
The Practice
Zazen at ZCLA - 1 hour 30 minutes
Face to face with a teacher - 3 minutes
Precept talk and circle - 1 hour
Reflection
I find that I'm able to choose my thoughts more easily and readily now. There is enough space in me to choose NOT to go there. Ganga Ji says that it takes practice to suffer, but peace is very simple and direct and doesn't take any practice. It's easier said than done when you think that you are your thoughts, but once that gap starts to open, then it becomes a matter of "do I want to suffer at this moment or not?"
Yesterday was another day of reflection at the Zen Center. We had to do three sits, followed by the precept talk, silent snack, and the precept circle. I have to say that I found myself in the state of resistance almost the entire time. First, I couldn't seem to get comfortable in my sitting. Then, I had the opportunity to see a teacher, so I sat and waited in meditation for about an hour, and when I saw her, she spent the third of the time with me that she spent with other people and I left a bit annoyed. Unlike previous times of choice and flavor, we had cheese and crackers for our snack. Neither my stomach nor my mind was getting any food and I began to feel my body contract from both the oncoming fever and the outgoing peace.
By the time I got to the precept circle, my heart barely left a crack for the sun to shine through. As people in the circle began sharing the dark sides of their soul, I began to see my own dark side. Things didn't go as I wanted them to and my reaction was to shrivel up, withdraw, and judge the experience. Interestingly enough, the precept we were discussing had to do with diversity and bearing witness to the joys and suffering of others. As I sat there in my closed state, a reminding thought came, "it has nothing to do with me, just listen." I put all my complaints aside and focused all my attention on the person talking. Miraculously, little by little, my heart began to open up and all was well again.
The Practice
Zazen at ZCLA - 1 hour 30 minutes
Face to face with a teacher - 3 minutes
Precept talk and circle - 1 hour
Reflection
I find that I'm able to choose my thoughts more easily and readily now. There is enough space in me to choose NOT to go there. Ganga Ji says that it takes practice to suffer, but peace is very simple and direct and doesn't take any practice. It's easier said than done when you think that you are your thoughts, but once that gap starts to open, then it becomes a matter of "do I want to suffer at this moment or not?"
Friday, September 17, 2010
Day 29
It's 5:30 in the morning and I'm drinking tea with sugar, a remedy for a scratchy throat. First week in full time work and the body is trying to keep up with the sudden change in schedule. It's amazing how quickly the body picks up the signal to slow down. I just checked my temperature and I'm right at the cusp. It might be time for a dayquil and I hate taking pills. I avoid them at all cost. But there are times for Eastern philosophy and there are times for Western medicine.
I have the whole weekend planned full of festivities, but of course, I do... because the moment you make all these plans, Life comes in, slaps you awake, and says, "Bad timing, eh? You still think it's about you, don't you?"
I feel that I have to step back, sit down, and be still. There's no time like now to stay rooted in body and listen for any clues as to the best way to take care of it. I'm already seeing thoughts like "I don't have time to get sick right now" creeping in . My mind tends to jump to catastrophic conclusions as to how a little cold now can affect the rest of my life.
I'm going to follow my own advice and the advice of the meditation practitioner from last night's Dharma talk, I'm going to breath through it...
The Practice
5:50 AM Meditation - 10 minutes
Cardio - 20 minutes
Evening meditation at ZCLA - 30 minutes
Personal practice talk at ZCLA - 1 hour
Reflection
I haven't felt like skipping a day yet. It's sort of becoming like brushing my teeth. I don't think about it. I just do it.
During the personal practice talk yesterday, one of the long-time practitioners was sharing her experience and she talked about how if she doesn't meditate every day, it affects other areas of her life. She is not as focused, things tend to pile up, and so on. I wonder how much we come to depend on formal meditation to balance out our lives. Krishnamurti says it's another escape; yet, he meditated all the time.
To me, meditation or following your breath is a continuos process. It's before, during, and after sitting. I find that there is some dependency on the actual sitting in a certain way, but in my personal practice, I'm not confined to that. I come back to the breath periodically through out the day and especially if stresses or challenges arise. If I feel that my stress level is rising, my immediate thought now is "where is my breath?" Then, that extra layer of heaviness melts away.
I have the whole weekend planned full of festivities, but of course, I do... because the moment you make all these plans, Life comes in, slaps you awake, and says, "Bad timing, eh? You still think it's about you, don't you?"
I feel that I have to step back, sit down, and be still. There's no time like now to stay rooted in body and listen for any clues as to the best way to take care of it. I'm already seeing thoughts like "I don't have time to get sick right now" creeping in . My mind tends to jump to catastrophic conclusions as to how a little cold now can affect the rest of my life.
I'm going to follow my own advice and the advice of the meditation practitioner from last night's Dharma talk, I'm going to breath through it...
The Practice
5:50 AM Meditation - 10 minutes
Cardio - 20 minutes
Evening meditation at ZCLA - 30 minutes
Personal practice talk at ZCLA - 1 hour
Reflection
I haven't felt like skipping a day yet. It's sort of becoming like brushing my teeth. I don't think about it. I just do it.
During the personal practice talk yesterday, one of the long-time practitioners was sharing her experience and she talked about how if she doesn't meditate every day, it affects other areas of her life. She is not as focused, things tend to pile up, and so on. I wonder how much we come to depend on formal meditation to balance out our lives. Krishnamurti says it's another escape; yet, he meditated all the time.
To me, meditation or following your breath is a continuos process. It's before, during, and after sitting. I find that there is some dependency on the actual sitting in a certain way, but in my personal practice, I'm not confined to that. I come back to the breath periodically through out the day and especially if stresses or challenges arise. If I feel that my stress level is rising, my immediate thought now is "where is my breath?" Then, that extra layer of heaviness melts away.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Day 28
Three days into teaching and I'm rediscovering that whatever doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. It's funny how the things I spent such a long time resisting like attention-sapping 9th graders are nothing but energy waves that I don't have to attach any meaning to. They are not the problem. If I'm resisting his smart mouth and say to myself, "This shouldn't be happening. He should be able to sit there quietly so that I can have an easy time," then what is it in me that wants things to be my way so that I can be happy? And would that even make me happy? I had plenty of classes with no one disturbing my peace and yet I found myself being disturbed for no reason at all.
Any resistance only reaffirms that peace and happiness really is a state of mind or rather a state of no mind.
The Practice
5:45 AM meditation - 10 minutes
Evening meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
Sitting in the evenings after a long day challenges me to stay focused. The point of reference sort of becomes fuzzy and I have to remind myself to count breaths to bring me back to the present. But once I do, a new kind of alertness shines through and then a smile forms inside of me, not even on my lips, at some point during the sit.
The gaps between thought and no-thought have been becoming longer and deeper. I find myself being pulled into that timeless state more and more. It has also become easier to spot the portals. By portals, I mean catching the bird's song outside my window or zoning in on the stillness within and staying with it.
Any resistance only reaffirms that peace and happiness really is a state of mind or rather a state of no mind.
The Practice
5:45 AM meditation - 10 minutes
Evening meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
Sitting in the evenings after a long day challenges me to stay focused. The point of reference sort of becomes fuzzy and I have to remind myself to count breaths to bring me back to the present. But once I do, a new kind of alertness shines through and then a smile forms inside of me, not even on my lips, at some point during the sit.
The gaps between thought and no-thought have been becoming longer and deeper. I find myself being pulled into that timeless state more and more. It has also become easier to spot the portals. By portals, I mean catching the bird's song outside my window or zoning in on the stillness within and staying with it.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Day 27
As I was going to bed last night, I was having all these realizations that I could not put into words. It was an inner knowing of everything being exactly where it should be and Life moving me in the only possible direction that I could be going at this point in time.
In moments of doubt, I worry that I should already know where I'm going and where my career path lies. And that I should pick something stable and stick to it. But what does that even mean? Many people pick a stable job and end up losing it or getting fired or leaving or work in the same field for many years and then wonder what it was all for. I'm realizing that we never know where we're going even when we think we do.
I find that watching my day progress, especially so-called stressful ones, is like watching a movie, I'm curious about what's going to happen next, but I know that it's just a movie so I don't get totally lost in it.
The Practice
5:50 AM meditation - 10 minutes
Yoga after work - 30 minutes
Evening meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
Even sitting for ten minutes in the morning helps settle the mind. Many expert meditators might say that I should get up earlier and sit longer, but really - you could be sitting for hours and be present for only 10 minutes of it or you could sit for 10 minutes and be present for the entire time. Time is irrelevant in the overall scheme of things, then why would it be any different in meditation.
In moments of doubt, I worry that I should already know where I'm going and where my career path lies. And that I should pick something stable and stick to it. But what does that even mean? Many people pick a stable job and end up losing it or getting fired or leaving or work in the same field for many years and then wonder what it was all for. I'm realizing that we never know where we're going even when we think we do.
I find that watching my day progress, especially so-called stressful ones, is like watching a movie, I'm curious about what's going to happen next, but I know that it's just a movie so I don't get totally lost in it.
The Practice
5:50 AM meditation - 10 minutes
Yoga after work - 30 minutes
Evening meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
Even sitting for ten minutes in the morning helps settle the mind. Many expert meditators might say that I should get up earlier and sit longer, but really - you could be sitting for hours and be present for only 10 minutes of it or you could sit for 10 minutes and be present for the entire time. Time is irrelevant in the overall scheme of things, then why would it be any different in meditation.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Day 26
I got a good taste of what it's like to be a real teacher on my first day. It was a multi-tasking extravaganza, especially if you had no idea what classes you were going to teach until the day of, if you did not have the summer to prepare and work on the lesson plan, if you were not familiar with the state standards, and you had four different subjects to teach. Somehow, through the help of two teachers, three administrators, and three years of experience as a sub of winging it, I got through the day without anybody getting hurt and by anybody, I mean, me.
A wonderful thing happened after I got home. I felt like going for a walk, even though I've been on my feet all day. On my walk, I saw a humming bird. I watched it fly in front of my face for a few seconds and suddenly all the stresses of the day flew away along with the humming bird. For the next twenty or so minutes, I was in paradise. Thoughts tried to take me away, but they went as quickly as they came. Every time another thought tried to pull me in, a smile formed on my lips like the kind you get when a child fake cries and you can see right through him or her. The walk itself drew me in deeper and the thoughts became fainter and fainter.
Afterwards, I had to do a bit of research for this elective humanity class I have no clue about and I breathed right through it.
The Practice
5:50 AM meditation - 10 minutes
Light walk - 20 minutes
Evening meditation - 25 minutes
Reflection
As I was going through my day, I continuously kept coming back to the present moment and the task at hand. There was no other way around it. If I didn't, I'd probably say "screw this" and go home. I reminded myself that I didn't have to plan for the next day right now, all I had to do was this one thing that was necessary at this moment. And everything that I needed presented itself the moment I needed it. I made just enough copies at the appropriate time. I had just the right person to show me where I had to go to get what I needed. I talked to just the right people. I had just enough time for introductions and the rest of it.
When allowed, life takes over and you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.
A wonderful thing happened after I got home. I felt like going for a walk, even though I've been on my feet all day. On my walk, I saw a humming bird. I watched it fly in front of my face for a few seconds and suddenly all the stresses of the day flew away along with the humming bird. For the next twenty or so minutes, I was in paradise. Thoughts tried to take me away, but they went as quickly as they came. Every time another thought tried to pull me in, a smile formed on my lips like the kind you get when a child fake cries and you can see right through him or her. The walk itself drew me in deeper and the thoughts became fainter and fainter.
Afterwards, I had to do a bit of research for this elective humanity class I have no clue about and I breathed right through it.
The Practice
5:50 AM meditation - 10 minutes
Light walk - 20 minutes
Evening meditation - 25 minutes
Reflection
As I was going through my day, I continuously kept coming back to the present moment and the task at hand. There was no other way around it. If I didn't, I'd probably say "screw this" and go home. I reminded myself that I didn't have to plan for the next day right now, all I had to do was this one thing that was necessary at this moment. And everything that I needed presented itself the moment I needed it. I made just enough copies at the appropriate time. I had just the right person to show me where I had to go to get what I needed. I talked to just the right people. I had just enough time for introductions and the rest of it.
When allowed, life takes over and you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Day 25
I was at the Zen Center yesterday and after Zazen or meditation, we were going to do a tree blessing ceremony. I was standing in the courtyard and my body began to move me toward my car. Just like what Adyashnti was talking about with the leaf being blown in a particular direction. I felt this obligation to stay for the ceremony; yet, my body wanted to go and so I went. I ended up doing the shopping I needed and preparing for the next day as I'm starting my first day of my long-term sub job today. I knew that it was exactly what I needed to do.
Our bodies are good guides when it comes to direction.
The Practice
Zazen at ZCLA - 1 hour, 20 minutes
Face to face with a teacher
Power Yoga - 40 minutes
Evening meditation - 25 minutes
Reflection
"What does my body wants to do?" seems like a good question to ask when I'm in doubt. The mind might have all sorts of resistances, but the body already knows what's good for it and where it wants to go. We tend to believe that our minds are the supreme intelligence when in fact it's just a small portion. When we get stuck on a thought, our bodies immediately manifest tightness or anxiety as if it's saying, "Let it go, you're not letting me breathe."
Our bodies are good guides when it comes to direction.
The Practice
Zazen at ZCLA - 1 hour, 20 minutes
Face to face with a teacher
Power Yoga - 40 minutes
Evening meditation - 25 minutes
Reflection
"What does my body wants to do?" seems like a good question to ask when I'm in doubt. The mind might have all sorts of resistances, but the body already knows what's good for it and where it wants to go. We tend to believe that our minds are the supreme intelligence when in fact it's just a small portion. When we get stuck on a thought, our bodies immediately manifest tightness or anxiety as if it's saying, "Let it go, you're not letting me breathe."
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Day 24
I went to Peter Brown's Satsang yesterday. He doesn't call himself a spiritual teacher. He just knows himself and everything, to be the absolute. You can read more about him and listen to him on his website www.theopendoorway.org. I told him about my coffee shop experience and having been in reality or the realized state for several minutes; although, we're in it all the time, and his advice to me was to keep coming back to it whenever I can or remember, play with it, and don't condemn myself for so called "losing it."
He used the jail cell as an analogy to describe the awakening process. We all live in this jail cell. Most of us are comfortable in it because we know where the bed is, we know where the toilet is, and we get our three meals a day. The jail door is slightly ajar, but we don't want to leave the comforts of what we know, so most of us spend our lives inside the four walls. Then, there are those of us, either due to suffering or mere curiosity start to see that there's more to it and start lurking around the jail door. And little by little, we start peeking outside. Some of us find it to be too much and pull back, some are thrusted forward with full force, and some of us keep peeking out for years until we finally trust ourselves enough to walk out.
I asked him, "what about those of us who are not comforted by the jail any more, but can't seem to take the leap of faith forward?" as in my case. He called it the "integration process," the most dicy part in walking out of jail. He recommended that those of us integrating to go easy and start with touching the floor outside the cell, then take one foot out, and maybe another, and so on.
Last night, somewhere between a dream and reality, my heart began racing and I felt like I couldn't hold on. There was nothing to hold on to - not my bed, not my self-knowledge, not my family, not my experiences, nothing. But something inside of me knew that if I just let go, then I'll be fine. Instead, I woke up and went to the bathroom.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Morning jog - 20 minutes
Peter Brown Satsang - 4 hours
Reflection
We can't "do" anything about our experiences. We can only be in them or more accurately, be them. Letting go of old conditioning and attachments can be a tiny step at a time process. "You don't have to terrify yourself," as Peter suggested to me and others. And what is this so-called process? It's as simple as being here now. Taking a breather from the chattering of the mind, telling it to go play, while you watch what's actually happening in reality. How do you do that? By sitting and listening to the beat of your own heart or the bird outside your window. By looking at a glass of water without labeling it or telling stories about it. By being with an animal and again, without stories. For how long, you may ask? As long as you want.
He used the jail cell as an analogy to describe the awakening process. We all live in this jail cell. Most of us are comfortable in it because we know where the bed is, we know where the toilet is, and we get our three meals a day. The jail door is slightly ajar, but we don't want to leave the comforts of what we know, so most of us spend our lives inside the four walls. Then, there are those of us, either due to suffering or mere curiosity start to see that there's more to it and start lurking around the jail door. And little by little, we start peeking outside. Some of us find it to be too much and pull back, some are thrusted forward with full force, and some of us keep peeking out for years until we finally trust ourselves enough to walk out.
I asked him, "what about those of us who are not comforted by the jail any more, but can't seem to take the leap of faith forward?" as in my case. He called it the "integration process," the most dicy part in walking out of jail. He recommended that those of us integrating to go easy and start with touching the floor outside the cell, then take one foot out, and maybe another, and so on.
Last night, somewhere between a dream and reality, my heart began racing and I felt like I couldn't hold on. There was nothing to hold on to - not my bed, not my self-knowledge, not my family, not my experiences, nothing. But something inside of me knew that if I just let go, then I'll be fine. Instead, I woke up and went to the bathroom.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Morning jog - 20 minutes
Peter Brown Satsang - 4 hours
Reflection
We can't "do" anything about our experiences. We can only be in them or more accurately, be them. Letting go of old conditioning and attachments can be a tiny step at a time process. "You don't have to terrify yourself," as Peter suggested to me and others. And what is this so-called process? It's as simple as being here now. Taking a breather from the chattering of the mind, telling it to go play, while you watch what's actually happening in reality. How do you do that? By sitting and listening to the beat of your own heart or the bird outside your window. By looking at a glass of water without labeling it or telling stories about it. By being with an animal and again, without stories. For how long, you may ask? As long as you want.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Day 23
I was sitting at a coffee shop yesterday and words might not do it justice, but I spread my awareness to include everything and everyone in my field of vision. I didn't label anything, I didn't create stories around anything, I didn't zone in on any one thing in particular. I just watched. Within seconds of watching, I saw reality as it really is before thought. It's quiet. And the thoughts are always one second behind reality. I could feel my thoughts trying to pull me back in. It's a very needy pull. Getting pulled into them and most importantly getting stuck in them is what causes the suffering and discomfort. I stayed with my breath. I kept some of that spacious awareness or rather it stayed within me while I proceeded to do things.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
For the past two meditations, I sat in a Burmese position with both of my legs in front of me, not on top of each other. Both times my legs fell asleep and I had to take a minute to bring them back to life before standing up. Needless to say, I don't enjoy that position, at least not yet. Using the meditation bench has been by far the best method for sitting.
The easier the sitting becomes, the more alert I have to be of the mind. When I first started sitting, it was all about the physicality of the body and that's where the focus was. Now, staying with the breath and observing arising thoughts is becoming of crucial importance. Because what ends up happening is that once the body is comfortable, the mind relaxes and I tend to go to fantasy land. It's harder to be alert of excessive thinking when the fantasies are pleasant; nonetheless, they are still fantasies. And where there is a fantasy, there's a nightmare waiting just around the corner.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
For the past two meditations, I sat in a Burmese position with both of my legs in front of me, not on top of each other. Both times my legs fell asleep and I had to take a minute to bring them back to life before standing up. Needless to say, I don't enjoy that position, at least not yet. Using the meditation bench has been by far the best method for sitting.
The easier the sitting becomes, the more alert I have to be of the mind. When I first started sitting, it was all about the physicality of the body and that's where the focus was. Now, staying with the breath and observing arising thoughts is becoming of crucial importance. Because what ends up happening is that once the body is comfortable, the mind relaxes and I tend to go to fantasy land. It's harder to be alert of excessive thinking when the fantasies are pleasant; nonetheless, they are still fantasies. And where there is a fantasy, there's a nightmare waiting just around the corner.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Day 22
My mom and I took my grandmother to the Huntington Gardens for Rosh Hashanah so she could stop and smell the roses. This is the grandmother that takes nineteen different pills a day. The moment she found out that there would be walking involved, she turned into this whiny child. "I don't wanna, you go without me, why did you bring me here, why did you feed me beforehand, I don't wanna see anything, I'm just gonna sit right here." We stopped at the first bench we saw and sat. Every once in a while, I saw glimpses of joy in her. She wouldn't admit it, of course. But her eyes would lit up and she'd be looking around in wonderment. Then, she'd catch herself and start sulking again. We did get to the rose garden eventually. The aroma penetrated my nostrils. My grandmother said that she did not smell anything.
The glimpses of joy that I saw in my grandmother was who she really is, the rest was all the old conditioning and patterns of the mind. And because we tend to confuse the two, we believe that these patterns are who we really are. So, as not to lose this concept of ourselves, we hold on to them. Even when our essence is showing us the way and is telling us, "come hither," we ignore it and say that it's not who I am, I am who I'm used to hearing in my head, "That's my story and I'm sticking to it."
Watching her, I watched for any stories that arose in my own mind. Even when you know the truth, they tend to slip in under the facade of "I know better." Just noticing that is already a break in the story.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Evening meditation at ZCLA - 30 minutes
Dharma talk given by one of the Zen priests and a 20 year practitioner - 1 hour
Reflection
I wanted to ask the Zen priest about this alleged duality that could happen between meditating and the rest of my life. But as she continued talking about her practice and experience, I realized that the only duality that exists is the one we create within ourselves regardless of the practices. Meditation is an inherent part of her life, but I didn't sense any duality in her. There was a seamless through line in her and the more I wanted to ask her about this duality business, the more I felt that split within myself. If I feel a separation in experience from one to the next, it has nothing to do with what I'm doing and everything to do with how I'm perceiving my experience.
The glimpses of joy that I saw in my grandmother was who she really is, the rest was all the old conditioning and patterns of the mind. And because we tend to confuse the two, we believe that these patterns are who we really are. So, as not to lose this concept of ourselves, we hold on to them. Even when our essence is showing us the way and is telling us, "come hither," we ignore it and say that it's not who I am, I am who I'm used to hearing in my head, "That's my story and I'm sticking to it."
Watching her, I watched for any stories that arose in my own mind. Even when you know the truth, they tend to slip in under the facade of "I know better." Just noticing that is already a break in the story.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Evening meditation at ZCLA - 30 minutes
Dharma talk given by one of the Zen priests and a 20 year practitioner - 1 hour
Reflection
I wanted to ask the Zen priest about this alleged duality that could happen between meditating and the rest of my life. But as she continued talking about her practice and experience, I realized that the only duality that exists is the one we create within ourselves regardless of the practices. Meditation is an inherent part of her life, but I didn't sense any duality in her. There was a seamless through line in her and the more I wanted to ask her about this duality business, the more I felt that split within myself. If I feel a separation in experience from one to the next, it has nothing to do with what I'm doing and everything to do with how I'm perceiving my experience.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Day 21
My family unit of four sat down for Rosh Hashanah dinner for exactly one hour. For the first time ever, my mom made a one-course meal, instead of ten. My dad was talking about the end of the world and how we shouldn't worry because the end of the world doesn't mean that the whole world dies at once, just parts of it, which made us all laugh. Then, we heard something fall in the kitchen. My mom, my sister, and I went did not give it another thought ; while, my dad could not get over what fell and whether it was a rat, but he told us not to worry because it's not the end of the world.
Then, my mom gave my sister and I five lottery tickets each for the year 5,000 in case the world doesn't come to an end.
As I sat listening and being with my family, I basked in gratitude for all the blessings in my life. I basked in each of our personalities and how the four of us came together in this universe. Every single occurrence in the universe happened in order to bring about our foursome together. And it's true for every family, every situation, and every individual. How can I not be grateful for what IS knowing that every step taken, every right and wrong decision made by every single being on this planet and possibly universe, and every natural and unnatural occurrence all happened to bring about this one single moment. If that's not winning the lottery, I don't know what is.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Morning yoga - 1 hour
Reflection
Sometimes I wonder if doing meditation is necessary. Every person who practices meditation will tell you that they doubted the practice at one point or another. And some spiritual teachers and awakened individuals will tell you that meditation is an escape from what is and it gives you more time to "get there." So, for three years, ever since my focus shifted from the unfulfilling past and problematic future into the now, I did not meditate, I sat on a chair for 10 or 15 minutes a day, a few times a week. Plus, I was too busy and had more important things to do. Then, this summer came around and all of a sudden, I did not have that much to do. I found myself sitting a lot. One thing led to another and I was meditating.
The point that I'm trying to make is that meditation practice will not help you nor will it hurt you. You can do it or you don't have to do it. It's all the same. But what I'm finding for myself is that if it's all the same, then I'm going to do what I'm drawn to. Have I felt the benefits? Sure. I'm more grounded, relaxed, and joyous. Am I using it as an escape? Maybe. But if it makes me more relaxed and joyous and I'm not hurting myself or anyone around me, then I choose to escape. However, it's not a substitute for living in breath-awareness before and after meditation as well. What it does for me is that it brings me home and with every remembrance it brings me home.
You need it until you don't need it, I suppose.
Then, my mom gave my sister and I five lottery tickets each for the year 5,000 in case the world doesn't come to an end.
As I sat listening and being with my family, I basked in gratitude for all the blessings in my life. I basked in each of our personalities and how the four of us came together in this universe. Every single occurrence in the universe happened in order to bring about our foursome together. And it's true for every family, every situation, and every individual. How can I not be grateful for what IS knowing that every step taken, every right and wrong decision made by every single being on this planet and possibly universe, and every natural and unnatural occurrence all happened to bring about this one single moment. If that's not winning the lottery, I don't know what is.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Morning yoga - 1 hour
Reflection
Sometimes I wonder if doing meditation is necessary. Every person who practices meditation will tell you that they doubted the practice at one point or another. And some spiritual teachers and awakened individuals will tell you that meditation is an escape from what is and it gives you more time to "get there." So, for three years, ever since my focus shifted from the unfulfilling past and problematic future into the now, I did not meditate, I sat on a chair for 10 or 15 minutes a day, a few times a week. Plus, I was too busy and had more important things to do. Then, this summer came around and all of a sudden, I did not have that much to do. I found myself sitting a lot. One thing led to another and I was meditating.
The point that I'm trying to make is that meditation practice will not help you nor will it hurt you. You can do it or you don't have to do it. It's all the same. But what I'm finding for myself is that if it's all the same, then I'm going to do what I'm drawn to. Have I felt the benefits? Sure. I'm more grounded, relaxed, and joyous. Am I using it as an escape? Maybe. But if it makes me more relaxed and joyous and I'm not hurting myself or anyone around me, then I choose to escape. However, it's not a substitute for living in breath-awareness before and after meditation as well. What it does for me is that it brings me home and with every remembrance it brings me home.
You need it until you don't need it, I suppose.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Day 20
With just one phone call, our life situation can change in a split of a second. I accepted a long-term sub job and all of a sudden, I'm going from having all the time in the world to having to make time to fit all the things I've started doing like meditation, yoga, blogging, writing the story, dharma talks, going to open mikes, etcetera. And just yesterday I was talking about "the element of surprise" and not knowing where I'm going to work from day-to-day. It just shows you that just when you think you've got it down, something immediately comes up to contradict it.
I haven't started the job yet. It starts Monday with no agenda, books, or any idea of how it's going to go. This situation is the perfect opportunity to be here and now and not worry about how it's going to go. It's none of my business. I went with the flow and the flow brought me here. There are times of high activity and there are times of low activity. I've been privileged to have both. And both have their place in this creative universe. Let's see what's being created.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Cardio and two pigeons - 30 minutes
Evening meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
I'm starting to include other type of exercise under the practice section. I've been doing cardio workouts up to this point, but I haven't included it in the blog because for some strange reason I didn't think of it as being in the same category as yoga, qigong, and meditation. But there's still breathing involved in any type of exercise. It helps to keep the body active and the heart beating.
With work starting next week, it will be interesting to see what will fit in and what will take the backseat. Morning meditation has become a non-negotiable, as well as yoga at least once a week to keep the body limber enough to sit. Again, it's not up to me to "figure out" how it's all going to work out because it will whether I worry about it or not. I choose not to worry about it.
I haven't started the job yet. It starts Monday with no agenda, books, or any idea of how it's going to go. This situation is the perfect opportunity to be here and now and not worry about how it's going to go. It's none of my business. I went with the flow and the flow brought me here. There are times of high activity and there are times of low activity. I've been privileged to have both. And both have their place in this creative universe. Let's see what's being created.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Cardio and two pigeons - 30 minutes
Evening meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
I'm starting to include other type of exercise under the practice section. I've been doing cardio workouts up to this point, but I haven't included it in the blog because for some strange reason I didn't think of it as being in the same category as yoga, qigong, and meditation. But there's still breathing involved in any type of exercise. It helps to keep the body active and the heart beating.
With work starting next week, it will be interesting to see what will fit in and what will take the backseat. Morning meditation has become a non-negotiable, as well as yoga at least once a week to keep the body limber enough to sit. Again, it's not up to me to "figure out" how it's all going to work out because it will whether I worry about it or not. I choose not to worry about it.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Day 19
"The only thing that will move you (and I don't mean to be poetic about this) is the same thing that moves a leaf hanging from a tree. It's simply because the breeze blows that way. So you always know what to do: the breeze blows that way, and that's the way you go." - Adyashanti
I spent Labor Day helping a friend with her house. I could've gone in many different directions, but I was moved to be there and do that. We don't know why we want to do certain things, but the mind tries to box it and then put a label on that box. It keeps compiling and piling up these boxes until the room is so full of them that there is no space to walk or breathe. The wind can't get through and move us in the direction that it wants because it's blocked by all those boxes. Once enough boxes are removed, then the wind can come in and swipe the rest of them out. Our goal of no goal is to make just enough space in our heads to for the breeze to come in, the rest will take care of itself.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Morning yoga at the park - 1 hour
Reflection
The idea of "trying to get somewhere" is lessening. There's more energy in me that moves me by itself versus the gut-wrenching thoughts: "I have to do this today or what am I going to do today?"
The nature of my job as a substitute teacher inherently contains the element of surprise. I don't know whether I'm going to be working that day. On one side, this "not knowing" creates a certain amount of anxiety. On the other side, it's an opportunity to allow the wind to blow where it may. This summer has been a lesson in becoming comfortable with what may come. I began meditating consistently mid-summer and it has eased that side of anxiety to a great degree. Regardless, of what our jobs are and how busy we are, we're all hanging off of trees not knowing when the strong wind will come in and knock us off of it. And it will, eventually. No leaf hangs on forever. The point of life is not to hang on as tightly as we can, we can't no matter how hard we try anyway, so why not let go now and see where the wind will carry us.
I spent Labor Day helping a friend with her house. I could've gone in many different directions, but I was moved to be there and do that. We don't know why we want to do certain things, but the mind tries to box it and then put a label on that box. It keeps compiling and piling up these boxes until the room is so full of them that there is no space to walk or breathe. The wind can't get through and move us in the direction that it wants because it's blocked by all those boxes. Once enough boxes are removed, then the wind can come in and swipe the rest of them out. Our goal of no goal is to make just enough space in our heads to for the breeze to come in, the rest will take care of itself.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Morning yoga at the park - 1 hour
Reflection
The idea of "trying to get somewhere" is lessening. There's more energy in me that moves me by itself versus the gut-wrenching thoughts: "I have to do this today or what am I going to do today?"
The nature of my job as a substitute teacher inherently contains the element of surprise. I don't know whether I'm going to be working that day. On one side, this "not knowing" creates a certain amount of anxiety. On the other side, it's an opportunity to allow the wind to blow where it may. This summer has been a lesson in becoming comfortable with what may come. I began meditating consistently mid-summer and it has eased that side of anxiety to a great degree. Regardless, of what our jobs are and how busy we are, we're all hanging off of trees not knowing when the strong wind will come in and knock us off of it. And it will, eventually. No leaf hangs on forever. The point of life is not to hang on as tightly as we can, we can't no matter how hard we try anyway, so why not let go now and see where the wind will carry us.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Day 18
I breathed through the family outing yesterday at the Huntington Gardens. I began my day with a half an hour sit and have carried the stillness through out the day. I'm not sure of the correlation, but everybody was on their best behavior. Even the traffic getting there did not stir up the waters. I had Kirtana playing in the background, a spiritual singer/songwriter, and nobody asked me to change the music.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
Starting the day with meditation is like getting yourself to work out the first thing in the morning. All the mind wants to do is go back to sleep or get some coffee or browse the internet. The mind is very busy in the morning and I'm realizing that's why so many people hate waking up early and need some kind of a stimulation to get them going. And it's not just busy, it sort of refills your psyche with backstory of how you got here, what your goals are, what you're not doing, what you should be doing, what you have, what makes you feel good and what doesn't, and all those details in between.
However, the mind does still once you sit with it for a while. If we roll over into our day without taking a breather or taking it slow, then it's just another day of living through one thing after another and never getting there. I find the rest of my day to be grounding, calm, and clear after the morning sit.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
Starting the day with meditation is like getting yourself to work out the first thing in the morning. All the mind wants to do is go back to sleep or get some coffee or browse the internet. The mind is very busy in the morning and I'm realizing that's why so many people hate waking up early and need some kind of a stimulation to get them going. And it's not just busy, it sort of refills your psyche with backstory of how you got here, what your goals are, what you're not doing, what you should be doing, what you have, what makes you feel good and what doesn't, and all those details in between.
However, the mind does still once you sit with it for a while. If we roll over into our day without taking a breather or taking it slow, then it's just another day of living through one thing after another and never getting there. I find the rest of my day to be grounding, calm, and clear after the morning sit.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Day 17
I find myself spending more and more time outside. I went to a beach sit early in the morning and later that afternoon I went to a park for a couple of hours. The more time I spend in nature, the more I'm drawn to keep coming back to it. I suppose it's no surprise because we are nature being drawn to itself. When I get caught up in the "unnatural" problems that's when I forget.
The Practice
Meditation at the beach - 45 minutes
Reflection
The beach sit actually lasted an hour, but I came late. It's interesting to observe how I can't sit for more than half an hour at a time when I'm home, but in nature or around other people, time seems to warp.
The sound of the waves soothes the mind to an unbelievable degree. It's the whole thing. It's the breeze of the ocean, it's the smell, it's the sound, it's the sand under the body that molds around it. We are meant to enjoy the earth by sitting on it. By simply sitting, we are living to the fullest already.
The Practice
Meditation at the beach - 45 minutes
Reflection
The beach sit actually lasted an hour, but I came late. It's interesting to observe how I can't sit for more than half an hour at a time when I'm home, but in nature or around other people, time seems to warp.
The sound of the waves soothes the mind to an unbelievable degree. It's the whole thing. It's the breeze of the ocean, it's the smell, it's the sound, it's the sand under the body that molds around it. We are meant to enjoy the earth by sitting on it. By simply sitting, we are living to the fullest already.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Day 16
I had an opportunity to go to a free Qigong class or listen to singer song-writers sing for my pleasure. I chose the latter. There are things that we feel we have to do and there are things that our hearts wants us to do. I say - choose the heart. Because I chose my heart, I felt my heart start to open up a little bit and embrace the life that I did not plan for, but am now lucky to be a part of.
The Practice
Morning yoga at home - 40 minutes
Two sets of 15 minute meditations, one in the afternoon and one right before going to sleep
Reflection
I planned to sit for half an hour in the afternoon, but 15 minutes into it I got a call from a good friend. Again, I had two choices: continue with my meditation or answer the phone. I picked up the phone. Talking to her was like a meditation.
One of my meditation friends asked me if I plan to stick to one practice. I wondered what he meant by that. What is one practice? I meditate daily, but at different times and for a different duration of time. I stay around 30 minutes per day, even if I have to split it up. For me, at least for this year, as long as I sit half an hour per day, regardless of how it breaks down, I'm doing my one practice. If a smile arises, then I'm going to let it. If a friend my heart feels like talking to is calling, I'm going to pick up the phone. If there's nice music playing, then I'm going to go listen to it.
It's all the one practice because it's all the ONE life.
The Practice
Morning yoga at home - 40 minutes
Two sets of 15 minute meditations, one in the afternoon and one right before going to sleep
Reflection
I planned to sit for half an hour in the afternoon, but 15 minutes into it I got a call from a good friend. Again, I had two choices: continue with my meditation or answer the phone. I picked up the phone. Talking to her was like a meditation.
One of my meditation friends asked me if I plan to stick to one practice. I wondered what he meant by that. What is one practice? I meditate daily, but at different times and for a different duration of time. I stay around 30 minutes per day, even if I have to split it up. For me, at least for this year, as long as I sit half an hour per day, regardless of how it breaks down, I'm doing my one practice. If a smile arises, then I'm going to let it. If a friend my heart feels like talking to is calling, I'm going to pick up the phone. If there's nice music playing, then I'm going to go listen to it.
It's all the one practice because it's all the ONE life.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Day 15
My parents woke up one morning, looked out of the window, and saw the driver's side of their car dented and scratched. My parents are the kind of people who quadruple check every aspect of the practicalities of the every day life just so things like that won't happen. They couldn't understand why it happened to them and they made sure to tell everyone they passed that day about it.
Things like that happen to everybody and living in an attempt trying to avoid what may or may not happen is useless, not to mention stressful. Here's an example of a similar situation just two days after my parents' incident. I went to a Dharma talk last night at Insight LA, a mindfulness center run by Trudy Goodman. She just came back from a two week silent retreat. The day after her retreat, her car was towed because she inadvertently parked in the wrong place. She resonated bliss and peace and still things like that happen. The difference being in her reaction to the situation. You know, "just another day on the planet earth."
The practices of breathing, being, and sitting in stillness are not intended to fix all our problems, but rather to stay rooted inside as they happen. Because these so called "problems" are never going to end. Even in the most ideal circumstances, situations arise. Although, in my experience and the experience of others who relax into a situation rather than resist it, tend to resolve things quicker and more harmoniously.
The Practice
Evening sitting and walking meditation at Insight LA - 40 minutes
I used two zafu cushions to sit on in a kneeling position. At first, it felt more comfortable than any other position thus far, but at some point in the middle of the meditation, I began adjusting.
Feeling my face tighten with seriousness, I remembered what the medicine man told Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray Love, "smile with your liver." I switched to smiling for the second-half of the sit.
Reflection
I'm still looking for a better sitting position for longer sits, but for all I know I may be looking forever. Maybe that's part of it. There is no perfect sitting position, just like there is no perfect life situation. We're always adjusting to make ourselves more comfortable. I keep coming back to everything is already perfect. It cannot be otherwise because it IS. Maybe when I stop adjusting I'll start sitting exactly how I'm meant to.
Smiling during my meditation yesterday did a 180 on my mood. I couldn't stop smiling the entire evening afterwards. Nothing changed externally, but just planting that smile upon my face planted a smile upon my heart. Even thoughts subsided. I'll definitely be incorporating a smile into my meditation practices.
Things like that happen to everybody and living in an attempt trying to avoid what may or may not happen is useless, not to mention stressful. Here's an example of a similar situation just two days after my parents' incident. I went to a Dharma talk last night at Insight LA, a mindfulness center run by Trudy Goodman. She just came back from a two week silent retreat. The day after her retreat, her car was towed because she inadvertently parked in the wrong place. She resonated bliss and peace and still things like that happen. The difference being in her reaction to the situation. You know, "just another day on the planet earth."
The practices of breathing, being, and sitting in stillness are not intended to fix all our problems, but rather to stay rooted inside as they happen. Because these so called "problems" are never going to end. Even in the most ideal circumstances, situations arise. Although, in my experience and the experience of others who relax into a situation rather than resist it, tend to resolve things quicker and more harmoniously.
The Practice
Evening sitting and walking meditation at Insight LA - 40 minutes
I used two zafu cushions to sit on in a kneeling position. At first, it felt more comfortable than any other position thus far, but at some point in the middle of the meditation, I began adjusting.
Feeling my face tighten with seriousness, I remembered what the medicine man told Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray Love, "smile with your liver." I switched to smiling for the second-half of the sit.
Reflection
I'm still looking for a better sitting position for longer sits, but for all I know I may be looking forever. Maybe that's part of it. There is no perfect sitting position, just like there is no perfect life situation. We're always adjusting to make ourselves more comfortable. I keep coming back to everything is already perfect. It cannot be otherwise because it IS. Maybe when I stop adjusting I'll start sitting exactly how I'm meant to.
Smiling during my meditation yesterday did a 180 on my mood. I couldn't stop smiling the entire evening afterwards. Nothing changed externally, but just planting that smile upon my face planted a smile upon my heart. Even thoughts subsided. I'll definitely be incorporating a smile into my meditation practices.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Day 14
Russian food coma makes it that much harder to breath through it. Food plays a big role in meditation and yoga. It's not easy to eat more than your body needs and then have the capacity to sit, think, or pay attention to anything with alertness. Instead, I paid attention to my stomach and listened to what it was doing. I couldn't sit for too long because the coma set in and I had to lie down. I fell asleep as soon as I found a comfortable position to accommodate my body.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
I haven't done yoga or Qigong in two days and I can't say that it made that much of an impact on my psyche as it hasn't been my only means of practicing breathing. I think there's more guilt involved in keeping up with a program than the program having affect on the overall well being. I just wanted to say a few words about that. Although, I do have these practices, I'm also very well aware that life happens when I'm busy making other plans. Guilt defeats the purpose of being more connected to my breath. Breathing through guilt is part of it.
However, having ONE sustaining practice per day is definitely grounding. For me, that's meditation or sitting in stillness. It can also be done in a less structured way like in the car standing in traffic. It usually takes at least half an hour to get anywhere in LA, that's a good amount of time to place more attention on the breath than thinking how to get home faster.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
I haven't done yoga or Qigong in two days and I can't say that it made that much of an impact on my psyche as it hasn't been my only means of practicing breathing. I think there's more guilt involved in keeping up with a program than the program having affect on the overall well being. I just wanted to say a few words about that. Although, I do have these practices, I'm also very well aware that life happens when I'm busy making other plans. Guilt defeats the purpose of being more connected to my breath. Breathing through guilt is part of it.
However, having ONE sustaining practice per day is definitely grounding. For me, that's meditation or sitting in stillness. It can also be done in a less structured way like in the car standing in traffic. It usually takes at least half an hour to get anywhere in LA, that's a good amount of time to place more attention on the breath than thinking how to get home faster.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Day 13
I wake up in the mornings with this slight resistance to face the day and I'm discovering that resistance is like giving birth. Although, I haven't given birth, but it sure feels that way. You know the baby is coming and there's nothing you can do to stop it. But you're trying to hold it back for as long as possible because you're not ready for this thing bigger than you to break you open. But once you relax and surrender to what's about to come, there's a release. And even if you don't surrender, the body will break you open anyway, but it will be that much more painful. So, the moral of the story is do we want to go about life the easy way or the hard way because either way it's already happening.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
I went back to my mediation bench. It still seems to be the more grounding position for me at this time.
There's a different quality to meditating in the mornings vs. afternoons vs. evenings. Varying the times of the day that I practice helps to see where the mind is at which point of the day. Mornings tend to be more about planning. Afternoons tend to switch to worrying. Evenings lean more towards relationships.
It's the nature of the mind to try and sort things out. It never really does. It just gives you additional scenarios of how the same problem can be adjusted. But the problem is not meant to be adjusted, but rather seen for what it is. Once it is seen, you realize there is no problem, and then you know what you have to do, if anything.
Then why do we get stuck on these so called problems?
The way I see it, it's because we don't breathe through them. The moment I ask myself where is my breath at this moment, my awareness suddenly broadens, I can hear the sounds outside and not just the thoughts in my head, and then these thoughts start to sound very faint in comparison.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Reflection
I went back to my mediation bench. It still seems to be the more grounding position for me at this time.
There's a different quality to meditating in the mornings vs. afternoons vs. evenings. Varying the times of the day that I practice helps to see where the mind is at which point of the day. Mornings tend to be more about planning. Afternoons tend to switch to worrying. Evenings lean more towards relationships.
It's the nature of the mind to try and sort things out. It never really does. It just gives you additional scenarios of how the same problem can be adjusted. But the problem is not meant to be adjusted, but rather seen for what it is. Once it is seen, you realize there is no problem, and then you know what you have to do, if anything.
Then why do we get stuck on these so called problems?
The way I see it, it's because we don't breathe through them. The moment I ask myself where is my breath at this moment, my awareness suddenly broadens, I can hear the sounds outside and not just the thoughts in my head, and then these thoughts start to sound very faint in comparison.
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