The mind loves to entertain itself with ideas and stories. It loves to see what it can come up with. I'm giving my mind the time to play with itself during designated hours and I'm using it for writing stories. If I don't use it, it will start using me and telling me stories that I don't need to hear.
The Practice
Morning meditation at home - 30 minutes
Morning yoga at the park - 1 hour
Reflection
I had an energizing start to my day. The morning meditation, followed by yoga definitely clears the psyche. There's energy and clear vision afterwards. But it doesn't take away from being aware of my breath through out the day. It's very easy to fall into the old traps once focus is lost. Practicing yoga and meditation is grounding, but it's not a substitute for being here now thereafter.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Day 11
Analogy on awakening as I see it:
Awakening is like learning how to walk. We get all excited about the possibility so we get up too soon and immediately fall down. We're not discouraged though. We try again and again until we finally get on our feet. Then, we begin to stumble around looking for something to hold on to, but there's nothing there, so we fall down again. In the attempt to stop falling down, we get stuck in this precarious, wobbly standing position because we don't want to go back to crawling, but neither are we walking yet. We're not sure which foot is the right one to step with, so we don't take any steps at all, all the while, totally ignorant of the fact that there is no wrong step because whichever foot we step with will inevitably be balanced with its opposite. But until we see the truth of it with our own eyes, we don't trust it because it's a totally new experience for us. One of two things happen, we either take the leap of faith and start walking or fall back down and try again.
I'm in the process of all the above. At times, I can walk perfectly well and at others, I feel like I'm still crawling. Yet, I keep taking the leap of faith. Peter Brown, a fully integrated spiritual teacher, reminds us that we're already always walking and the only reason it feels like we're not is because we think that there is a difference between walking and crawling when in fact, it's one and the same.
The Practice
Morning meditation at ZCLA - 1 hour
Qigong standing meditation - 15 minutes
Attentive group listening and sharing at ZCLA - 1 hour
Reflection
I had a fight with my zofu cushion at mediation today. I sat in a Burmese position like I did yesterday, but today my foot completely fell asleep and there was too much tightness in my hip. I had to switch legs mid-way, which I don't prefer doing since it breaks the flow of presence, but doesn't everything, I reminded myself. A passing ice cream truck could break presence if I let it. I accepted the experience for what it was. I switched positions for the 3rd time to my more comfortable kneeling position and breathed.
Adjusting my sitting might take some time, but breathing does not take any time at all.
Awakening is like learning how to walk. We get all excited about the possibility so we get up too soon and immediately fall down. We're not discouraged though. We try again and again until we finally get on our feet. Then, we begin to stumble around looking for something to hold on to, but there's nothing there, so we fall down again. In the attempt to stop falling down, we get stuck in this precarious, wobbly standing position because we don't want to go back to crawling, but neither are we walking yet. We're not sure which foot is the right one to step with, so we don't take any steps at all, all the while, totally ignorant of the fact that there is no wrong step because whichever foot we step with will inevitably be balanced with its opposite. But until we see the truth of it with our own eyes, we don't trust it because it's a totally new experience for us. One of two things happen, we either take the leap of faith and start walking or fall back down and try again.
I'm in the process of all the above. At times, I can walk perfectly well and at others, I feel like I'm still crawling. Yet, I keep taking the leap of faith. Peter Brown, a fully integrated spiritual teacher, reminds us that we're already always walking and the only reason it feels like we're not is because we think that there is a difference between walking and crawling when in fact, it's one and the same.
The Practice
Morning meditation at ZCLA - 1 hour
Qigong standing meditation - 15 minutes
Attentive group listening and sharing at ZCLA - 1 hour
Reflection
I had a fight with my zofu cushion at mediation today. I sat in a Burmese position like I did yesterday, but today my foot completely fell asleep and there was too much tightness in my hip. I had to switch legs mid-way, which I don't prefer doing since it breaks the flow of presence, but doesn't everything, I reminded myself. A passing ice cream truck could break presence if I let it. I accepted the experience for what it was. I switched positions for the 3rd time to my more comfortable kneeling position and breathed.
Adjusting my sitting might take some time, but breathing does not take any time at all.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Day 10
A day of rest in my own body.
PMS day #3: I woke up dehydrated, feverish, with a splitting headache and a stomach ache. I'm not saying this to complain. I'm just naming the symptoms.
I opened the blinds, sat on a chair, and surrendered to my body's achiness. It shivered, it shook, it resisted, but I sat for a while before doing anything else. Then, I got up and made myself some tea with toast and sour cherries gem, a russian a favorite of mine, and savored that. I knew that I was going to eat differently today and I let that happen. I also knew that today was not going to look like an ordinary day for me because my body wanted something different. I watched a romantic comedy for the first time in months.
The achiness went away around five o'clock. I'm feeling like my old self, whatever that means.
The Practice
Afternoon meditation at home for 30 minutes - I tried the burmese position for the first time where both legs are folded in front of you, not on top of each other.
Light stretching after the meditation
Reflection
I had a semi-good sit if that makes any sense. The "semi" part being that I was able to sit in a new position for half an hour, but I was still in the adjustment mode. Counting breaths helped keep me somewhat grounded, but I was mostly focusing on straightening up. I did actually surrender to how ever I was sitting several times and the body just normalized to how it was comfortable without all my adjustments, but as soon as the mind came in and said, "that doesn't feel right," it stopped feeling right.
Interesting discovery: I found a buckwheat pillow (like the ones they use in meditation) in my room that I did not know I had and have no idea where it came from. It helped support my butt with this new position.
PMS day #3: I woke up dehydrated, feverish, with a splitting headache and a stomach ache. I'm not saying this to complain. I'm just naming the symptoms.
I opened the blinds, sat on a chair, and surrendered to my body's achiness. It shivered, it shook, it resisted, but I sat for a while before doing anything else. Then, I got up and made myself some tea with toast and sour cherries gem, a russian a favorite of mine, and savored that. I knew that I was going to eat differently today and I let that happen. I also knew that today was not going to look like an ordinary day for me because my body wanted something different. I watched a romantic comedy for the first time in months.
The achiness went away around five o'clock. I'm feeling like my old self, whatever that means.
The Practice
Afternoon meditation at home for 30 minutes - I tried the burmese position for the first time where both legs are folded in front of you, not on top of each other.
Light stretching after the meditation
Reflection
I had a semi-good sit if that makes any sense. The "semi" part being that I was able to sit in a new position for half an hour, but I was still in the adjustment mode. Counting breaths helped keep me somewhat grounded, but I was mostly focusing on straightening up. I did actually surrender to how ever I was sitting several times and the body just normalized to how it was comfortable without all my adjustments, but as soon as the mind came in and said, "that doesn't feel right," it stopped feeling right.
Interesting discovery: I found a buckwheat pillow (like the ones they use in meditation) in my room that I did not know I had and have no idea where it came from. It helped support my butt with this new position.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Day 9
I just came back from my Qigong class and I made a little stop at Jack-in-my stomach on my way home. I haven't craved fast food in months. Thankfully, I only had half of the chicken grilled sandwich and a few fries. But that's not the point.
Welcome to PMS day #2. It's all by the book, really. On the more positive note, breathing through this time and feeling the body makes the body feel like it's floating. The sensitivity does not only relate to emotions, but to skin as well. The feelings are sharper and more intense. When I stay alert enough, my body becomes the vehicle for amazing experiences. The operative words being... when I stay alert.
The Practice
Morning Yoga at the park - 1 hour
Afternoon meditation at home - 30 minutes
Evening Qigong in a class - 1 hour
Reflection
The morning yoga felt great today. I was one with every breath and every movement. My body opened up even more. I had a smile on my face walking to my car. I wanted to travel and see things. Then, I had an inspiring writing session at home.
My afternoon meditation, on the other hand, was a bit tougher today. I had a slight variation leaning more forward than I'm used to, the way that Roshi showed me yesterday, and I kept adjusting my body the entire sit. I observed my mind as I was adjusting and it kept trying to convince me that I was doing it wrong, but I kept reminding myself that this too is a part of it. Not every sit is going to be smooth sailing. Whatever arises...
My body was super sensitive during the Qigong class. I haven't been to a class in almost two months and the length of the movements were intense. Surprisingly, my sensitivity made certain moves easier and more flowy and others, torturous. You take the good with the bad. In the end, it's all good.
Welcome to PMS day #2. It's all by the book, really. On the more positive note, breathing through this time and feeling the body makes the body feel like it's floating. The sensitivity does not only relate to emotions, but to skin as well. The feelings are sharper and more intense. When I stay alert enough, my body becomes the vehicle for amazing experiences. The operative words being... when I stay alert.
The Practice
Morning Yoga at the park - 1 hour
Afternoon meditation at home - 30 minutes
Evening Qigong in a class - 1 hour
Reflection
The morning yoga felt great today. I was one with every breath and every movement. My body opened up even more. I had a smile on my face walking to my car. I wanted to travel and see things. Then, I had an inspiring writing session at home.
My afternoon meditation, on the other hand, was a bit tougher today. I had a slight variation leaning more forward than I'm used to, the way that Roshi showed me yesterday, and I kept adjusting my body the entire sit. I observed my mind as I was adjusting and it kept trying to convince me that I was doing it wrong, but I kept reminding myself that this too is a part of it. Not every sit is going to be smooth sailing. Whatever arises...
My body was super sensitive during the Qigong class. I haven't been to a class in almost two months and the length of the movements were intense. Surprisingly, my sensitivity made certain moves easier and more flowy and others, torturous. You take the good with the bad. In the end, it's all good.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Day 8
Three generations of women were hanging out at my grandmother's studio apartment today, me, my mother, and my grandmother. My upcoming period is around the corner. Need I say more. Breath-awareness has been in order. This is the time to stay super alert. (Cookies help too :) )
The Practice
Afternoon meditation at home - 30 minutes
Zazen Clinic with Roshi ( ZCLA's Abbot) - my meditation bench might not be the right height. I will attempt the half-lotus position.
Reflection
Adjusting the body has been just as important as adjusting the mind. Staying in tuned with the emotional reactions to insignificant things has been working. I felt myself getting more sensitive and irritated, but not totally lost. Sitting in breath-awareness and mind-awareness helps. Although, I did get slightly annoyed that I might have to change my sitting position. But isn't that how it goes? The moment you get used to something, change becomes inevitable.
The Practice
Afternoon meditation at home - 30 minutes
Zazen Clinic with Roshi ( ZCLA's Abbot) - my meditation bench might not be the right height. I will attempt the half-lotus position.
Reflection
Adjusting the body has been just as important as adjusting the mind. Staying in tuned with the emotional reactions to insignificant things has been working. I felt myself getting more sensitive and irritated, but not totally lost. Sitting in breath-awareness and mind-awareness helps. Although, I did get slightly annoyed that I might have to change my sitting position. But isn't that how it goes? The moment you get used to something, change becomes inevitable.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Day 7
These Wednesday summer days I've been spending with my mom at the Huntington Gardens. She took me out to the tea room with crust-free sandwiches and bite-size deserts. It was a lovely English tea party we had like the ones I used to have with my dolls when I was a little girl or in my case, they were Russian tea parties.
My flip flop broke as soon as we got to the gardens and they had no shoes at the gift shop. I spent the day hopping on one leg and walking on grass. In a way, I was a like a kid again and didn't even know it. When things that we deem as "bad" or "out of the program" happen to us, as adults we try and rationalize "why did this happen?" or "it always happens to me." In reality, curve balls are designed to snap us out of the program and see what's actually happening. I enjoyed hopping and walking on grass, but I wouldn't have thought of doing that if my flip flop didn't break.
The Practice
Morning Qigong & standing meditation - 30 minutes
Afternoon Zazen (sitting in stillness and observing the breath) - 30 minutes
Reflection
I didn't count my breaths today during the sitting meditation. I was right with it. They were deep and long. I had a few projections and fantasies, but I snapped out of them pretty quickly. I got a little antsy toward the end and had to take longer breaths. It didn't last long though, because the alarm went off soon after.
I usually tend to to walk around my room right after meditation and without calling it anything, I'm still in meditation. I didn't know what I should afterwards, so I didn't do anything and went with what happens. It led me to listen to Byron Katie on YouTube, she asks 4 questions in her work in regards to the legitimacy of our thoughts and they are:
1. Is it true?
2. Are you sure?
3. What's the emotional reaction?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
After listening to her, I had no definite thoughts, so I went for a care-free walk around my neighborhood. Everything is exactly as it should be.
My flip flop broke as soon as we got to the gardens and they had no shoes at the gift shop. I spent the day hopping on one leg and walking on grass. In a way, I was a like a kid again and didn't even know it. When things that we deem as "bad" or "out of the program" happen to us, as adults we try and rationalize "why did this happen?" or "it always happens to me." In reality, curve balls are designed to snap us out of the program and see what's actually happening. I enjoyed hopping and walking on grass, but I wouldn't have thought of doing that if my flip flop didn't break.
The Practice
Morning Qigong & standing meditation - 30 minutes
Afternoon Zazen (sitting in stillness and observing the breath) - 30 minutes
Reflection
I didn't count my breaths today during the sitting meditation. I was right with it. They were deep and long. I had a few projections and fantasies, but I snapped out of them pretty quickly. I got a little antsy toward the end and had to take longer breaths. It didn't last long though, because the alarm went off soon after.
I usually tend to to walk around my room right after meditation and without calling it anything, I'm still in meditation. I didn't know what I should afterwards, so I didn't do anything and went with what happens. It led me to listen to Byron Katie on YouTube, she asks 4 questions in her work in regards to the legitimacy of our thoughts and they are:
1. Is it true?
2. Are you sure?
3. What's the emotional reaction?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
After listening to her, I had no definite thoughts, so I went for a care-free walk around my neighborhood. Everything is exactly as it should be.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Day 6
Lesson of the day: We are in service of this moment. When we service this moment, this moment serves us.
I didn't have any concrete plans for today. As I'm still on my summer break from substitute teaching, I get to live each day as it comes if I choose. That's still the case when I work, but even more so. The reason I say "choose" is because the mind tends to go haywire when I don't have something planned. I decided to see what happens without a plan in mind.
At first, I felt bored and very uncomfortable. My mind kept repeating, "I should be doing something." I didn't listen, instead I paced the room while observing my emotions, as well as my mind. Within minutes, the feelings of guilt, boredom, and discomfort disappeared and the doing happened by itself. I went to the kitchen, I made myself lunch, I ate it, then I felt inspired to take out a story I'm working on, go to the bookstore, and read it. There was none of that "should I? or shouldn't I?" I just did. In fact, I didn't. The doing happened on its own.
The Practice
Morning yoga at the park
Afternoon 20 minute unstructured meditation
Evening Zazen for two sits and a walk
Reflection
I was spacing out a lot today during the evening meditation. My mind either projected or spaced out. Projection is future story-telling: I see myself here or there or doing this or talking with that person. If it's a nice story, then it feels good and satisfying, if it's one of the worst case scenarios, then it leads to anxiety. Ultimately, all stories lead to anxiety. Hence, I kept coming back to the breath and the present moment.
My left shoulder began to hurt as well. In reality, I'm not sure if it really hurt or if it was my mind telling me it did. Because whenever I placed my attention on it, it did not hurt, but as soon as my attention shifted, I felt it again. I feel relaxed now though.
I didn't have any concrete plans for today. As I'm still on my summer break from substitute teaching, I get to live each day as it comes if I choose. That's still the case when I work, but even more so. The reason I say "choose" is because the mind tends to go haywire when I don't have something planned. I decided to see what happens without a plan in mind.
At first, I felt bored and very uncomfortable. My mind kept repeating, "I should be doing something." I didn't listen, instead I paced the room while observing my emotions, as well as my mind. Within minutes, the feelings of guilt, boredom, and discomfort disappeared and the doing happened by itself. I went to the kitchen, I made myself lunch, I ate it, then I felt inspired to take out a story I'm working on, go to the bookstore, and read it. There was none of that "should I? or shouldn't I?" I just did. In fact, I didn't. The doing happened on its own.
The Practice
Morning yoga at the park
Afternoon 20 minute unstructured meditation
Evening Zazen for two sits and a walk
Reflection
I was spacing out a lot today during the evening meditation. My mind either projected or spaced out. Projection is future story-telling: I see myself here or there or doing this or talking with that person. If it's a nice story, then it feels good and satisfying, if it's one of the worst case scenarios, then it leads to anxiety. Ultimately, all stories lead to anxiety. Hence, I kept coming back to the breath and the present moment.
My left shoulder began to hurt as well. In reality, I'm not sure if it really hurt or if it was my mind telling me it did. Because whenever I placed my attention on it, it did not hurt, but as soon as my attention shifted, I felt it again. I feel relaxed now though.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Day 5
To recover from the weekend's festivities, I spent the entire day at home in unstructured meditation. I started by watching my cat Mia watching two birds. I think I sat and watched her for half an hour before she decided to call it quits. When she saw me looking at her, she ran straight to me with her eyes locked to mine. For a split moment, my cat and I were one consciousness. We always are. It's just I'm not always aware of it.
The Practice
Through the duration of the day, I sat five times for about 20 to 30 minutes.
I switched between counting breaths and just breathing. Counting helps when the mind is busy.
Morning yoga for 40 minutes
Stretching through out the day
Reflection
I didn't find it very difficult to sit for as long as I did. The same thoughts that arise during any other activity arose during sitting. It doesn't matter where we are or what we're doing because our self-made stories are more loyal to our minds than dogs to their owners. However, with continuing observation of these stories, I find that they diminish considerably.
On my last sit, I felt exhausted, but just as I was about to collapse forward consciousness was once again looking through my eyes. It always does, but I saw it. I was experiencing myself as me, but not as me, Marina, but as consciousness itself experiencing my particular form.
I ask myself, do I need to put myself through five sittings in order to experience one glimpse of total conscious awareness? No. There is never a need to do anything. I wanted to surrender to the sitting practice and so I did. Do I have to do that? No. It doesn't matter. There are things that we do and there are things that we don't do. One is not any more right or wrong than the other. All consciousness wants is to know itself.
The Practice
Through the duration of the day, I sat five times for about 20 to 30 minutes.
I switched between counting breaths and just breathing. Counting helps when the mind is busy.
Morning yoga for 40 minutes
Stretching through out the day
Reflection
I didn't find it very difficult to sit for as long as I did. The same thoughts that arise during any other activity arose during sitting. It doesn't matter where we are or what we're doing because our self-made stories are more loyal to our minds than dogs to their owners. However, with continuing observation of these stories, I find that they diminish considerably.
On my last sit, I felt exhausted, but just as I was about to collapse forward consciousness was once again looking through my eyes. It always does, but I saw it. I was experiencing myself as me, but not as me, Marina, but as consciousness itself experiencing my particular form.
I ask myself, do I need to put myself through five sittings in order to experience one glimpse of total conscious awareness? No. There is never a need to do anything. I wanted to surrender to the sitting practice and so I did. Do I have to do that? No. It doesn't matter. There are things that we do and there are things that we don't do. One is not any more right or wrong than the other. All consciousness wants is to know itself.
Days 3 & 4
Without planning so, this past weekend has been like a two-day course in Spirituality 101.
Saturday
It started with a three set sit at ZCLA (Zen Center of Los Angeles) where I began going about a month ago. Each set lasted about half an hour with two walking meditations in between. I visited with a Buddhist teacher who reminded me to look at the bigger picture instead of looking at things from the perspective of the little me.
Following the sit was the precept talk. In Buddhism, precepts are fundamental codes of ethics to practice in the every-day life. As it happened to be the day of reflection, we reflected upon the 6th precept. It goes something like this: Unconditionally accepting what each moment has to offer. Not talking about others errors and faults. Taking responsibility for everything in your life. Very much common sense, but when looked at closely, how often do we really accept each moment as it is and so on...
Then it was on to the silent snack, followed by a precept circle where we each shared where we are in our lives right now both situationally and psychologically. I found it beautifully revealing how open people are when given the opportunity.
Reconnecting with an old and a new friend at the Zen Center, the three of us continued our spiritual journey at Zpizza (As in Z is for Zen, it was not intentional). We went to Larchmont Village and all three of us wanted to go that place. The pizza and salad were delicious. One thing led to another and we ended up watching Eat, Pray, Love at Arclight Cinema. A new theater experience for my two friends, not to mention, deeply connected movie. The evening did not end there. After the movie, it was on to Krishnamurti video and discussion group in West Hollywood. More people having the dialogue on spiritual truth. Ending with a vegetable soup and a good night's sleep only to wake up the next morning and do it all over again...
Sunday
Back at ZCLA in a kneeling position, I was meditating for two sets of half an hour sits and one walking meditation. I got to talk to another Zen teacher as non-members are allowed to see one on Sundays. I didn't know what I wanted to ask him about, but as soon as I got inside that little room, I saw exactly what has been plaguing my mind since forever. He shed the light on that part of my little self and yet another piece of ego chipped away.
He gave a talk following the meditation covering the topics that I wondered about and that everyone who comes to see him wonders about. And the answer is always the same... to see within. In order to really see within, one has to be still, and in order to be still, one has to sit long enough to still the body and then the mind. It's never about what's out there and it's always about what's in here.
I came home, took a nap, and was about to put up some posts, catch up on some phone calls, and reflect upon the day in a half that I had, but Life had other plans. I called one of my friends back when she told me that there is a talk at the Ford Amphitheater by Swami Kriyananda, the last direct disciple of Paramahansa Yogananda to be introduced by Neale Donald Walsch. And it was free. Three hours prior to the start of the event, I got online, printed out a ticket, and an hour later I was at the theater.
Neale's book Conversations with God was the first book of its kind that got me seeing life in a whole new light. And I remember thinking back then, I would love to hear him talk some day. And here came that day. He managed to hit the nail on the head within fifteen minutes that he was given on stage. He reminded us that we're all part of God's dream and making a difference is only one five second glance away. To hold eye contact with another human being for five seconds or more is to see their humanity, their essence, and ultimately oneness of all things.
Ending the two-day course in Spirituality 101 at the French Market Restaurant, I re-connected with my breath, let out a long tired sigh, and reminded myself that even exhaustion has its place in the universe. In my bed, I realized that my body was not that tired, it was my mind. It is always my mind. I placed my attention on my breath and I watched my bouncy thoughts dim their lights as my light of consciousness went to sleep.
The Practice
Total of 3 hours of Zazen in two days
Total of 3 hours of Dharma talk, including the guest speakers
Light Stretching
Indefinite amount of hours of attentive listening
Reflection
I had to wait until today to write this post for the past couple of days because not only did I not have time, but my mind was incapable of forming coherent sentences passed 10pm. Staring the day at 8am with meditation, then listening to teachers speak, then participating in stimulating, yet awareness-based discussions, sharing with friends, and coming home at midnight left little room to focus on writing. However, living and experiencing is a part of the writing process. Without one there would not be the other.
Although, externally I was kept busy, internally there was still some space to observe it all. I was not always aware of this space, but kept coming back to the breath and watching the mind. Otherwise, even the most amazing spiritual experience turns into a stale, "not another word on oneness,"or fruitless endeavor. In moments of least alertness, my mind got tired, judgmental, and worrisome. In moments of high alertness, the thought-process was playing somewhere in a distance where I could see it, but did not have to deal with it. In those moments, I felt at peace, knowing, and freedom.
In reality, it is all one moment. The difference being in the labeling. I keep reminding myself with words like "even this..." Even this is a part of it all. Even the tiredness. Even the judgment. Even the not knowing. Even the laziness. Even the little me. I'm learning to embrace all of it because it is all of it... IT IS.
Saturday
It started with a three set sit at ZCLA (Zen Center of Los Angeles) where I began going about a month ago. Each set lasted about half an hour with two walking meditations in between. I visited with a Buddhist teacher who reminded me to look at the bigger picture instead of looking at things from the perspective of the little me.
Following the sit was the precept talk. In Buddhism, precepts are fundamental codes of ethics to practice in the every-day life. As it happened to be the day of reflection, we reflected upon the 6th precept. It goes something like this: Unconditionally accepting what each moment has to offer. Not talking about others errors and faults. Taking responsibility for everything in your life. Very much common sense, but when looked at closely, how often do we really accept each moment as it is and so on...
Then it was on to the silent snack, followed by a precept circle where we each shared where we are in our lives right now both situationally and psychologically. I found it beautifully revealing how open people are when given the opportunity.
Reconnecting with an old and a new friend at the Zen Center, the three of us continued our spiritual journey at Zpizza (As in Z is for Zen, it was not intentional). We went to Larchmont Village and all three of us wanted to go that place. The pizza and salad were delicious. One thing led to another and we ended up watching Eat, Pray, Love at Arclight Cinema. A new theater experience for my two friends, not to mention, deeply connected movie. The evening did not end there. After the movie, it was on to Krishnamurti video and discussion group in West Hollywood. More people having the dialogue on spiritual truth. Ending with a vegetable soup and a good night's sleep only to wake up the next morning and do it all over again...
Sunday
Back at ZCLA in a kneeling position, I was meditating for two sets of half an hour sits and one walking meditation. I got to talk to another Zen teacher as non-members are allowed to see one on Sundays. I didn't know what I wanted to ask him about, but as soon as I got inside that little room, I saw exactly what has been plaguing my mind since forever. He shed the light on that part of my little self and yet another piece of ego chipped away.
He gave a talk following the meditation covering the topics that I wondered about and that everyone who comes to see him wonders about. And the answer is always the same... to see within. In order to really see within, one has to be still, and in order to be still, one has to sit long enough to still the body and then the mind. It's never about what's out there and it's always about what's in here.
I came home, took a nap, and was about to put up some posts, catch up on some phone calls, and reflect upon the day in a half that I had, but Life had other plans. I called one of my friends back when she told me that there is a talk at the Ford Amphitheater by Swami Kriyananda, the last direct disciple of Paramahansa Yogananda to be introduced by Neale Donald Walsch. And it was free. Three hours prior to the start of the event, I got online, printed out a ticket, and an hour later I was at the theater.
Neale's book Conversations with God was the first book of its kind that got me seeing life in a whole new light. And I remember thinking back then, I would love to hear him talk some day. And here came that day. He managed to hit the nail on the head within fifteen minutes that he was given on stage. He reminded us that we're all part of God's dream and making a difference is only one five second glance away. To hold eye contact with another human being for five seconds or more is to see their humanity, their essence, and ultimately oneness of all things.
Ending the two-day course in Spirituality 101 at the French Market Restaurant, I re-connected with my breath, let out a long tired sigh, and reminded myself that even exhaustion has its place in the universe. In my bed, I realized that my body was not that tired, it was my mind. It is always my mind. I placed my attention on my breath and I watched my bouncy thoughts dim their lights as my light of consciousness went to sleep.
The Practice
Total of 3 hours of Zazen in two days
Total of 3 hours of Dharma talk, including the guest speakers
Light Stretching
Indefinite amount of hours of attentive listening
Reflection
I had to wait until today to write this post for the past couple of days because not only did I not have time, but my mind was incapable of forming coherent sentences passed 10pm. Staring the day at 8am with meditation, then listening to teachers speak, then participating in stimulating, yet awareness-based discussions, sharing with friends, and coming home at midnight left little room to focus on writing. However, living and experiencing is a part of the writing process. Without one there would not be the other.
Although, externally I was kept busy, internally there was still some space to observe it all. I was not always aware of this space, but kept coming back to the breath and watching the mind. Otherwise, even the most amazing spiritual experience turns into a stale, "not another word on oneness,"or fruitless endeavor. In moments of least alertness, my mind got tired, judgmental, and worrisome. In moments of high alertness, the thought-process was playing somewhere in a distance where I could see it, but did not have to deal with it. In those moments, I felt at peace, knowing, and freedom.
In reality, it is all one moment. The difference being in the labeling. I keep reminding myself with words like "even this..." Even this is a part of it all. Even the tiredness. Even the judgment. Even the not knowing. Even the laziness. Even the little me. I'm learning to embrace all of it because it is all of it... IT IS.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Day 2
I meditated while waiting for my gynecologist to show up, which shows that you can do it anywhere. Today also happened to be a good example of how helpful Life is when we live in breath-awareness rather than drama awareness.
Out in the waiting room, I sat next to two love-struck teenagers who kept wrestling each other and screeching with joy. I was reading a book and I continued reading it, glancing at them from time to time, but not labeling what I saw or how it made me feel. I just let it be. After a while, a smile formed on my lips, two minutes later, I was called inside.
Inside the office, I was told to undress and to continue waiting. I did just that and once again placed my attention on my breathing and body awareness. The doctor came in some half an hour later and said that I did not need to undress because they no longer do pap smears (I have to get technical) every year, but every other year. I said, "Oh, then I guess just the birth control." She then tells me that she will write me a prescription for a year so that I didn't have to come back every four months. This is no small thing coming from a doctor from Planned Parenthood where the waits are three to four hours at a time. I thank her graciously and leave within only one in a half-hours of time spent.
The Practice
Morning Yoga at the park.
Meditation at home with no alarm clock. I sat for 40 minutes.
I bought my very first meditation bench at the Bodhi Tree. :)
Reflection
Thoughts of "what am I doing?" or "I should be doing something more productive" arose from time to time. Again, the mid-day hours are my most worrisome. That's why they have siesta in Spain. Here, my siesta is meditation. I don't even try to "get things done" during those hours because the only thing I accomplish is anxiety. Breath-awareness is becoming key in those hours. There is nothing else to do - really. Escape no longer works for me, so it's staying with it or going crazy.
I find that not escaping the discomfort of what I'm feeling, you know that "something is not right" feeling, eases the discomfort. When I'm really there with it, there's nothing wrong, everything makes perfect sense. These disturbances really do come and go when I don't run away from them.
Coming back to the breath...
Out in the waiting room, I sat next to two love-struck teenagers who kept wrestling each other and screeching with joy. I was reading a book and I continued reading it, glancing at them from time to time, but not labeling what I saw or how it made me feel. I just let it be. After a while, a smile formed on my lips, two minutes later, I was called inside.
Inside the office, I was told to undress and to continue waiting. I did just that and once again placed my attention on my breathing and body awareness. The doctor came in some half an hour later and said that I did not need to undress because they no longer do pap smears (I have to get technical) every year, but every other year. I said, "Oh, then I guess just the birth control." She then tells me that she will write me a prescription for a year so that I didn't have to come back every four months. This is no small thing coming from a doctor from Planned Parenthood where the waits are three to four hours at a time. I thank her graciously and leave within only one in a half-hours of time spent.
The Practice
Morning Yoga at the park.
Meditation at home with no alarm clock. I sat for 40 minutes.
I bought my very first meditation bench at the Bodhi Tree. :)
Reflection
Thoughts of "what am I doing?" or "I should be doing something more productive" arose from time to time. Again, the mid-day hours are my most worrisome. That's why they have siesta in Spain. Here, my siesta is meditation. I don't even try to "get things done" during those hours because the only thing I accomplish is anxiety. Breath-awareness is becoming key in those hours. There is nothing else to do - really. Escape no longer works for me, so it's staying with it or going crazy.
I find that not escaping the discomfort of what I'm feeling, you know that "something is not right" feeling, eases the discomfort. When I'm really there with it, there's nothing wrong, everything makes perfect sense. These disturbances really do come and go when I don't run away from them.
Coming back to the breath...
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Day 1
I'm not waiting to start day 1 on a Monday or the start of a new month. It's Thursday on a hot summer day. No better time to start paying attention to my breath than now.
Earlier today, I was walking back to my car from a yoga class at Runyon Canyon feeling rejuvenated, alive, and breathing. I was so hyper aware of my breath that not a single thought of doubt, worry, or planning for the next moment entered my mind. I was in bliss. I was breathing right through it all. Hence, the idea for this blog. I already breathe without doing anything at all. We all do. The only life-changing difference being whether we are aware that we are breathing.
The Practice:
Light morning yoga for an hour
Zazen meditation in the afternoon for half an hour - kneeling position with my back straight, knees shoulder-width apart, supported by two folded pillows, for now, with my left hand palm up on the palm of my right hand resting on my lap, with my eyes slightly open looking downward in the direction of the floor and out of focus.
Reflection:
First day is always the easiest because I don't know what awaits me tomorrow and the next day. But I know to come back to the breath when I start worrying about things like that. I've been feeling pretty centered overall. From about 2 to 4pm, I felt drowsy as I usually do during peak day hours. I laid down and observed my breathing. When I began to feel bombarded with thoughts, I sat down in Zazen. The meditation itself was relaxing today. Afterwards, I felt energized to publish this blog and post.
At this moment, thoughts are there, as is always the case, but I'm more in tuned with my breath.
In words of Peter Brown, local spiritual teacher, I'll be back tomorrow or die trying...
Thank you!
Earlier today, I was walking back to my car from a yoga class at Runyon Canyon feeling rejuvenated, alive, and breathing. I was so hyper aware of my breath that not a single thought of doubt, worry, or planning for the next moment entered my mind. I was in bliss. I was breathing right through it all. Hence, the idea for this blog. I already breathe without doing anything at all. We all do. The only life-changing difference being whether we are aware that we are breathing.
The Practice:
Light morning yoga for an hour
Zazen meditation in the afternoon for half an hour - kneeling position with my back straight, knees shoulder-width apart, supported by two folded pillows, for now, with my left hand palm up on the palm of my right hand resting on my lap, with my eyes slightly open looking downward in the direction of the floor and out of focus.
Reflection:
First day is always the easiest because I don't know what awaits me tomorrow and the next day. But I know to come back to the breath when I start worrying about things like that. I've been feeling pretty centered overall. From about 2 to 4pm, I felt drowsy as I usually do during peak day hours. I laid down and observed my breathing. When I began to feel bombarded with thoughts, I sat down in Zazen. The meditation itself was relaxing today. Afterwards, I felt energized to publish this blog and post.
At this moment, thoughts are there, as is always the case, but I'm more in tuned with my breath.
In words of Peter Brown, local spiritual teacher, I'll be back tomorrow or die trying...
Thank you!
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