Day 100

Two hundred and sixty-five more days to go. To go where? Breathing won't stop after two hundred and sixty-five days...I hope. I feel like I created this project for my own amusement. For who else's amusement would it be? Now that I think about it, I do everything for my own entertainment (even the things that I don't like). We do the things that we don't like so that we can enjoy the things that we do like. If we liked everything we did, then we wouldn't know it. We create these polarities only to know how each one feels. I don't like going shopping, but after having gone and gotten what I needed, I like the feeling of not having to go shopping anymore. Then, do I really not like going shopping? There is no true like or dislike. There's only the extent to which we want to experience any one thing.

The Practice

Thursday - 20 minute meditation
Friday - 30 minute meditation and an hour in a half yoga
Saturday - 20 minute meditation

Reflection

Thoughts are blatantly loud on serene walks. They follow behind like dogs without leashes. As long as you don't try to keep them on leash, they will sniff around attempting to find the thief, then move on to the next thing; but try showing them the thief and they will come too late. It's fine to pretend like you're holding on to the leash whenever the humane society is nearby, but other than that, let them run free... they won't bite.

Day 97 - A new love is born (poem)

And a new love is born...

She fits in every nook and cranny
He builds these nooks
She wants him to join her inside
She knows it's not his place
He is the protective shell that keeps her safe
Without the shell, the nook is moot.

The point of connection
Between the rock and the hard place
Where is the soft place?
She is the soft place.
She molds
She dances
She takes him in.

He is the wind that blows her dance
He is the rock that makes her soft
He is the timekeeper of no time.


The Practice

Tuesday Morning - 30 minute meditation
Wednesday Morning - 30 minute meditation

Reflection


Eckhart Tolle once said, maybe he said it many times I'm not sure and I'm paraphrasing, "the way to tell where you are on your spiritual path is by how quiet the mind is." From my experience it's not only how quiet the mind is; it's also the extent to which I believe my thoughts. All true spiritual teachers say not to take thoughts too seriously. I find myself questioning and letting go of everything that comes through my head. But then there are what Adyashanti calls "Velcro thoughts." My Velcro thoughts tend to fall under two categories: one is when it comes to safety and security and the other is when it comes to relationships. The mental emotional limbic system won't go anywhere and when the right neurotransmitter is activated, it will do its thing. I can hear GangaJi's voice, "What's wrong with that?"

I'm aware that we can hold it all, but it doesn't always feel like it. But once it does feel like it, then it's not a problem and I wonder why I ever had a problem with that. What makes clarity go away? Peter Brown says it doesn't go away, we just don't always realize we're already clear. Where's the confusion? Fear of living to the fullest. "No, I don't wanna feel that. I'll take the other thing, but not that." That's what it is. I'm still not willing to feel it all. I want to though. I'm open to it. Take me away... but gently.

Day 95

There's no solution for vulnerability. It's Monday night and I feel like watching When Harry Met Sally for the gazilionth time. Granted, my period is mere days away and nothing makes sense. No meditation practice in the world can fix the nature of being a woman: sensitivity, confusion, cravings, neediness, fatigue, someone to talk to, blah, blah, blah...

Even being in a relationship doesn't solve it. It's a game each woman must play solo.


The Practice

Saturday - 20 minute meditation
Sunday - None
Monday Morning - 30 minute meditation
Monday Evening - 30 minute meditation

Reflection

Sitting seems to be the only thing that helps when the body doesn't know where it's going. My body started out the day strong. It took me to Runyon Canyon for a nice one-hour hike up the steep hill. Then, it brought me back home for a relaxing session of yoga. But as soon as I sat down to write, my body was in torture. It wanted to go everywhere, yet nowhere at the same time. I finally forced it to settle with another half an hour meditation.

Day 92

Like mud, it slides off. And when it dries, it falls off.
It leaves nothing behind.
Can't go back to check if it's still there
Or even if it rained.
It leaves no evidence.
Can't build on muddy grounds
As it will too slide down into the earth.
What then?
Like a child playing with sand
Knowing that with the next wave the castle will be wiped out
It continues to build with the same enjoyment it watches it disappear
And shouts into the sky, "Let's do it again!"

The Practice

Wednesday Morning - 10 minute meditation
Thursday Morning - 15 minute meditation
Friday Morning - 20 minute meditation

Reflection

I withdrew my application from the Zen Center. I can go there and look for direct experience or I can stay here and be with it now. It doesn't mean that I don't enjoy sitting at the Zendo or seeing familiar friendly faces. It doesn't mean anything. It's what it is.

I spent this past Sunday at home, laying in bed, eating, walking, reading, being very ordinary instead of at the Zen Center trying to get there and I can report that trying to get there is like trying to dress a tree in leaves in order to make it look like a tree when it is THAT already.

Day 89

Thoughts of going back to school are visiting me once more. I drove myself crazy this past summer trying to decide whether I should get my psychology license. What about the writing? What about the tuition? What about this? What about that? So, I stopped. I did not do anything and listened for directions. The directions led me back here, to stay put, to be patient, to go with the natural flow of things, and so I did. The thoughts stopped and going back to school no longer called me forth. And now, I'm being pulled once more, but this time I'm not listening with my head. Ironically, the head does not solve anything. My heart is writing. My heart is looking where it wants. My heart is feeling things out without acting prematurely. It's a relief, really.

Adyashanti writes, "The only thing that will move you is the same thing that moves a leaf hanging from a tree. It's simply because the breeze blows that way. So you always know what to do: The breeze blows that way, and that's the way you go. You don't ask questions anymore. You don't evaluate why the breeze is blowing that way because you know that you don't know why. And you know you can't know why."

Which way is the breeze blowing right now?

The Practice

Monday Morning - 20 minute meditation
Monday Afternoon - Yoga

Reflection

I don't plan as much anymore. I used to plan out my day by the hour and write everything down so that I don't forget. I find that I do forget, but the moment I need to remember to do something, I remember. There's more trust in myself. I don't spin the same records nearly as much anymore. I trust that whatever it is I want resolved, it is done. There's also more of a knowing that there's no state of resolution as Peter Brown pointed out. There's just the play of things. You stay focused while you're playing and then you let it go when you're done. And when it's time to play with something else, then you move on to that without the nostalgia for the old thing. But if there's nostalgia, you go back to it, but it's no longer old, but new all over again.

The brunch bell just rang at Wilson High. Let's see what two options I have to choose from today.

Day 87

Money. Journals. Books. Meaningful movies. These are the things that give me peace at heart. I pick up my checkbook, I see there's money in the bank, I feel at peace. I open my journal, I see words written in it, I feel at peace. I read a line from Walden, I see truth in it, I feel at peace. I watch Forrest Gump, I see the character connected to what is, I feel at peace.

The Practice

Saturday - Satsang with Peter Brown
Sunday Morning - 30 minute meditation

Reflection

Yesterday's satsang in a nutshell:

Confusion = not having reached a resolution. There is no state of resolution = realization.

Day 85

I turned in my membership application at the Zen Center and the moment I did, I immediately regretted it. I didn't know if it was my usual way of being, doubting doing something right after I do it, or an intuitive sign. I decided not to worry about it and see what happens. After the Dharma talk last night, some of the members pressured me to go to service and right then I knew that this is not the place for me. I don't meditate out of ritual or to conform to any one path when I know that many paths lead to the same place. Again, I let it be and waited to see what happens. Today, I get a call from one of the Dharma buddies congratulating me that my application has been accepted. I still have no idea how I feel about it, so I just listen and keep saying, "Ok....Ok...Ok..." She says something along the lines of "if you make a mistake at the Zendo, then it's your choice if you want to get embarassed about it or just fix the mistake." Surprisingly, I didn't react like I usually do, "Don't tell me what to do because I don't like walking on eggshells." Then, I had a realization, who says that I have to walk on eggshells?


The Practice

Wednesday Morning - 30 minute meditation
Thursday Evening - 30 minute meditation and Dharma talk
Friday Morning - 10 minute meditation

Reflection

I've been leaning towards the scary parts of my SELF. The usual reaction was always to lean away. But I find that welcoming what I don't want to see, what I don't want to feel, and what I simply don't want, is not as scary as it seems at first glance. And the reasons for avoiding those parts, more often than not, turn out to be elementary leftover beliefs that have absolutely no relevance at this point in time at all. Some parts are scarier than others. But I'm slowly inching towards those as well. Whatever doesn't kill me....

Day 82

I found myself feeling guilty for having such an awesomely flexible and entertaining job that of a substitute teacher. "I should be working harder" my mind wanted me to believe. "But I don't like working harder," the other part of me counter-argued. I asked myself which part gave me more stress and it was the "I should be working harder" part.

I realized that we do everything we can in order to make it harder on ourselves rather than easier. We feel guilty for not doing enough, but when we do enough, it becomes too much. We run around looking for that happy medium when we're already living it. It already is how we've always wanted. But that's too simple. Who would we be if we did not look for the perfect job, the perfect place to live, the perfect mate, and the perfect life? When I ask myself that question, the answer is always... I'd be happy!

Where does guilt fit into all this? It's the mind looking for a problem where there is none.

The Practice

Monday Morning - 15 minute meditation
Tuesday Morning - 15 minute meditation
Tuesday Evening - Cardio and a pigeon

Reflection

Speaking of guilt, I caught myself feeling guilty during meditation for being the light onto myself. If I'm the light onto myself, then I don't need anyone to make me happy. In its truest meaning, it's liberation. But the old school mindset wants to believe that I need someone to be happy. Why don't I just toss the old school mindset and live in liberation? Old habits die hard is coming to mind until they no longer come to mind, I suppose. Although, it's clearer to see that it's a habit.

Day 80

In relation to another, I can see where I still need to deepen. I can see where I still need to heal. It's easy to miss when you're alone, but as soon as someone else enters the picture, the wounds pop up like firecrackers. "Here, look at me! Did you forget about me?" And losing the ability to repress doesn't help. Here's the miraculous thing though - firecrackers explode and then they're gone. When I don't turn away, they don't continue popping. They simply make their grand entrance and with a crack, crack, crack, disappear.  


The Practice

Saturday Evening - 30 minute meditation

Reflection

I missed a day of meditation; on purpose, I might add. The ground shook. The light flickered. But I survived. My body wanted to sit still. And when I did, my mind didn't want to sit still. Interestingly enough, with the body being still, the mind followed. It wants to settle. It wants to take a break from all the chatter. I actually felt my mind thanking me for giving it rest.

On my way to the Zen Center to sit some more...

Day 77

I was sitting at my desk covering a science class yesterday. I was sitting and listening to the chatter. A thought came in, "Why won't they stop talking?" Then another thought answered, "Why would they? Students behave like students behave. They're perfectly themselves." Then, I began looking at them. Most of them were talking and most of them were happy. They had a sparkle in their eye. I knew right then that they were happy to be alive. They wouldn't have it any other way. And I wouldn't either.

I asked myself, "What separates me from them?" I didn't get an answer.


The Practice
Tuesday Morning - 15 minute meditation
Tuesday Evening - Byron Katie's "The Work" with a facilitator
Wednesday Morning - 15 minute meditation
Wednesday Evening - Live radio with Adyashanti and a 30 minute meditation
Thursday Morning - 30 minute meditation

Reflection

Thoughts are a multi-layer structure. I have thoughts about the thoughts about the thoughts. I was sitting in meditation today and it occurred to me that there could be infinite number of thoughts about the thoughts and so on.  For instance, I started thinking about my work; I caught myself and went back to the present time. A few seconds later, I heard a faint thought say, "see, you don't have to think about your work if you don't want to." Then, my mind went, "wait, that's also a thought." At the same time, I heard a whisper of another thought that I couldn't decipher the specificity of, but I knew it was another layer of a thought that seemed much farther. The further I looked into how far the thoughts really go, the farther they went. There was no end to it.

I realized that no matter how far down the rabbit hole I go, it's all mind. And I am both the rabbit hole and the mind that takes me there.

Day 74

There's no stronger desire than the desire to connect to another, but there is no another. So, the only other we're trying to connect to is ourselves. But what is that unfathomable pull to a physical being that we cannot resist nor want to? Why that face, that mind, that body? To question is futile. The only thing that's left is to experience it, "but only 100% of the time" as Byron Katie likes to put it.


The Practice

Sunday Morning - 40 minute meditation and discussion on intention and practice
Monday Morning - 15 minute meditation
Monday Evening - 1 hour yoga class

Reflection

It's harder to stay present when the mental images are so alluring. I guess that's what Ganga Ji means when she says that "disillusionment is letting go of a mistaken and often pleasurable belief." I find that with the thought of pleasure comes the immediate follow up thought of suffering. However, when I don't take the ride on one of those thoughts, the feeling is of pure love. The images are welcomed as long as they don't linger, but even when they do, it's still nothing more or less than the experience of this moment.

And so... as I ride the wave of the experience, without the expectation of getting too high or the fear of getting knocked down, I'm inside the happy medium called joy.