Day 132

I woke up to the sound of the rain hitting the window. Not knowing what the day would bring, I got up trusting that it has already been brought. My mind kept trying to project what it could be like and what sort of things I'd want to do today. But I did not indulge my mind. I asked myself periodically, "What does my body wanna do today?" It took me for a walk. It sat me in meditation. It fed me. It got me reading. It got me to write my New Year's resolutions, which I personally don't tend to do. Yet, there I was writing that I'd like to continue working on my craft, eat more vegetable-based foods, find my own dentist, learn new handiwork, create new cooking habits, and spend more time playing.

From time to time, my head would thump and I would have to stop whatever it is I'm doing and just sit and feel. What am I feeling for? I'm feeling for the aliveness, the sensations, the what it's like to be me.

My boyfriend is making a writing desk for us. With the place set up to fit the pickiest of writers, I can say that I'm ready to make this writing space work. Having finished yet another draft of my novella, I'm restructuring my system, cleansing any clogged pores from the previous month's work, and relaxing into How to Grow a Novel (Sol Stein).

The Practice 

Daily Meditation - 20 minutes
Daily Walk - 30 minutes

Reflection

I'm faithfully taking a breather when one needs to be taken. I'm trusting that the unfilled moments of the day are there to be unfilled. There's enough breathing space to know when it's time to learn something new and when to wait for a wave of effortless learning.

The writing desk is available for use. I'm using it now. It's the perfect height. As I write these words, he says, "It's the perfect height. It's getting very eerie around here." It sure is.

Day 129

Love and the Holidays

I've been busy
Too busy to write these posts
Too busy to see my family
Too busy to worry about the future
But not too busy to love now.

I've been inspired
Inspired to see the trees as they really are
Inspired to walk the muddy earth in the Arroyo
Inspired to write letters to my love.

I've been eating
Eating to enjoy the flavors
Eating to satisfy the nostalgia of the holidays
Eating without the Christmas tree
Eating without the family
Eating with my love.

I've been sleeping
Sleeping for all the days I woke up early to go to work
Sleeping to rest
Sleeping to live
Sleeping to be next to my lover.

Sweet dreams, my love!

The Practice

Daily Meditation - 20 to 30 minutes of sitting and/or walking

Reflection

Amidst restlessness and doubt, there's a background awareness that I am. I'm feeling my body from the inside out. When I lie in bed, right before I doze off, there's a deep recognition of being, a kind of Ok-ness with being. When I get moments of a strong emotion like being upset or hurt or misunderstood, the sensations happen on the surface level whilst there's a peace that underlies the extremes. There's a satisfaction with showing emotion and interacting emotionally knowing that it cannot touch the reality within. And I'm not talking about suppressing anything here. In fact, I have lost the ability to suppress this past summer. I feel it all. And by feeling it all, I've been more alive than ever. There's a depth to sensations that I haven't known before. I'm still afraid of receiving more than I can handle. But the fear is much more subdued now. More often than not, I say, "Bring it on!"

DAY 123

Looking for salvation or meaning in personal and interpersonal love is to be at a buffet and not finding anything to eat. Sitting across from my love, I'm feeling giddy and grateful knowing full well that he cannot dissolve the unease in my chest. He can't. No one can. I'm sitting here feeling it. It feels like a boulder. The longer I stay with the sensation the more fluid the rock becomes. It's a piece of clay now. The rain is coming down hard. They stopped playing Christmas songs at Starbucks. My mind is trying to find a reason for my feeling this way. It wants to attach to a solution so it could feel better, like it solved something. My body temperature fluctuates between staying warm and getting cold. I'm not wearing proper rain boots, for the reason that I don't have any. The clay turned hard again. I can't seem to sit still. I'm jumping from one activity to another. Reading, journaling, blogging, story editing, watching the rain, and still the restlessness is playing at my soul. A day or two until this month's cycle. Eckhart Tolle advices to stay alert and watch the mind. I'm watching. It's going bipolar on me.

What is that looking through my eyes?


The Practice

Sunday - 20 minute meditation

Reflection


Trusting the practice.

DAY 121

I'm officially on my Winter Break. No clue as to what this Christmas story will look like and I don't even celebrate Christmas, as I'm a Jew. Interestingly enough, I don't celebrate much of Hanukah either. It leaves New Years. As growing up, with religious holidays being nor here nor there, most people in my town in Moldova exchanged gifts on New Year's morning. That's what I always knew until I came here at eleven years old. My one favorite holiday turned into three - Hanukah, Christmas, and New Year's! I get money from my two grandmothers on Hanukah, gifts from friends and co-workers on Christmas, and heartfelt gifts from my family on New Year's. Who can ask for anything more?


The Practice

Thursday Morning - 10 minute meditation
Friday Evening - 20 minute meditation
Saturday Morning - 20 minute meditation

Reflection

My thoughts, the constant commentators of what is already happening, are kind of amusing. I'm already walking and they say, "Look, you're walking." I'm already driving my car and they say, "You're driving." They know that they're about to be out of a job and so they try to hang on with all they've got. "I can't take you to the dark forrest as often as I'd like, but I can comment on every step you make and you can listen to me until you get tired. And I know you'll get tired eventually, so I'll just wait." And I say, you can wait and I'll be right here listening to your every word.

DAY 118

Life is an improv show, nothing ever happened, we're just making up as we go along. The show arises out of nowhere and it ends at its own accord.

The Practice

Monday Evening - Live meditation with Eckhart Tolle
Tuesday Evening - 30 minute meditation
Wednesday Morning - Self-inquiry with Ganga Ji

Reflection

I listen to the sound of the water as I wash my hair. Random thoughts arise about my old friendships, my financial situation, my current relationships, and what I need to do once I get out of the shower. I place my attention on the sound of the water once more. None of the thoughts I just had have any practical value. New thoughts come in as if these are more important and should be taken slightly more seriously. Nope. They too don't hold water. I only hear the sound of the water.

I tell myself, "What if I didn't place any weight on any thought that arises while I'm taking a shower, washing my hair, and shaving my legs?" Just as an experiment, I listen to all thoughts as if they're foreign to me and I don't believe a word of what they say. There's quiet. I don't hear a thought. Then, a thought comes in and asks, "I must be doing this right because I don't hear anything." I acknowledge that that too was a thought.

I come out of the shower at first feeling invigorated and then separate and incomplete in my body. My thoughts go, "I guess that didn't go too well." But what is that feeling?  "I should've bought the holiday gifts by now," my mind explains. Something is missing, it must be the gifts. Something is missing, it must be lack of money. Something is missing, it must be because I didn't finish writing my novella. Something is missing, it must be my relationships.

Am I really incomplete? The moment I ask that question, I'm complete again. How's that possible when I don't have any of the above reasons resolved? It has nothing to do with any of that. It never did. It never will. Willingness to go there is worth a thousand thoughts. "Willingness goes beyond will." - Ganga Ji

DAY 116

In relationships, to hear the truth is a hard pill to swallow. But once the pill is swallowed, you realize that it was no more than a placebo. Hidden behind the shadow of pain is a revelation that all of our needs are a child's cry for attention. "What a treat! I'm not always wanted and I don't always want and I don't have to pretend like I am or that I do. I don't have to manipulate the situation to fit the child's needs only to hear that there's no Santa Clause anyway." There's nothing wrong with crying for it or believing in the unbelievable, as long as we know that it's the child in us, not the adult. To hear the beauty of truth is freedom from clinginess, resentment, and the inevitable misunderstanding.

To realize these needs is to be free of them. To hide from them is to be trapped. I asked for truth and truth reveals itself in many forms and not in ways that I expect. Surprisingly, the things that I never wanted to experience or feel again are blessings in disguise. They show up for us. Like a child, they say, "I'm only misbehaving so you would look at me."

The Practice

Daily meditation - 30 minutes
Saturday - Satsang with Peter Brown

Reflection

I'm realizing that it's the unacknowledged parts of ourselves that we need to see and it's these parts that keep showing up in different forms. If we're willing to experience what we don't want, whether it shows up or not no longer has the power to take us under. "We're as sick as our secrets," one of GangaJi's students once said. We can only be unhappy about the stuff that we don't see as much a part of who we are as everything else. To hear that is scary, but to truly live it is liberating.

Day 111

The past cannot survive the light of presence - Eckhart Tolle

Presented with the past
The old pain whiplashes me into presence
Breathing through it
Proves to be the only way back to reality
Feeling it through and through
Welcoming it
Cradling it
It is not but sensations coursing through the veins of human love.

Love is not gone in the light of things
It is clearer where fear wants things for itself
And in that fear is more light
I don't want to do anything about it
Between the pulsing of my heart and the thumping in my head
There's that old familiar dread
But I don't want to do anything about it.

I want to walk
Walking grounds the feet to earth
And every step is a rebirth.

The Practice

Tuesday Evening - 20 minute meditation
Wednesday Morning - 30 minute meditation

Reflection

The past is an interesting concept. I could've sworn it happened, but I have absolutely no proof of it. I might tell myself stories about it like "first this happened, then that," but without the stories it's only always just THIS. Stories are fading more and more now. And when they do tell themselves, it's hard to take them seriously.

Day 109

"It's not the freedom from. It's the freedom to." - Adyashanti

I used to think that I could be free from restlessness. It had been the restlessness that was the driving force behind most of my decisions. "I can't deal with this wretched feeling, so I will start a new writing project or get a boyfriend so that I won't ever have to feel like this again. If I could only occupy myself long enough to never have to face what it is I'm running away from. I don't know what it is, but I as sure as hell don't want to find out." When the projects fell through and I still felt restless with or without a boyfriend, the wretched feeling came back a thousand-fold.

Then, I stopped trying to fight it and briefly slipped into mild depression. Following the depression was the subtle realization that it's not the freedom from, it's the freedom to be restless to be affirmed this past Saturday by Adya. Yes, it's a feeling of dread. Yes, it's a feeling of meaninglessness. Yes, it's a feeling of helplessness. But no, it's not all there is to it. Beyond all those things is simply peace. The peace that comes with just sitting there and feeling restless and then letting it have you and then being fine with it and then seeing the beauty in the non-exceptional - that chair, that room, that effervescent feeling of restlessness.

The Practice

Friday - 15 minute meditation
Saturday - Adyashanti Intensive in San Diego
Sunday - 20 minute meditation
Monday - 15 minute meditation

Reflection

The latest koan has been, "What is this?" I'm here. But what's all that out there. There are people - sort of. There are objects - sort of. There are situations - sort of. Upon closer examination, it's all just happening and none of it is personal. I still get hurt in the impersonal, but it's like when you're kid and you continue crying minutes after the pain had gone. You do it for the drama. You do it because it's fun. You do it because you want to feel alive.

Day 105

Inspiration

Don't know when it's coming
Don't know when it's going
Both times is a surprise

Some things come easier than others
Like balancing my checkbook
Like always having food around
Hanukkah Money

Writing to fill up the blank spaces
No longer questioning the motive
My things are jouncing to spend time with me

Inspiration is spacing out with focus
Or is that creativity?
Or is that love?
Or all of the above?

The Practice

Sunday - 40 minute meditation
Monday - 15 minute meditation
Tuesday Morning - 15 minute meditation
Tuesday Evening - Byron Katie Self-Inquiry workshop
Wednesday Morning - 30 minute meditation
Wednesday Evening - Adyashanti Live
Thursday Morning - 15 minute meditation

Reflection

Sitting in meditation with a significant other is like sitting with myself. In still presence, space and time are irrelevant. The true conversation starts. I'm here. He's there. But we're both nowhere. There's no truth in wanting someone to be here with you because where else would they be? We write these stories of hide and seek to keep ourselves entertained. It's when we forget that they are just stories, we feel separated.

Day 100

Two hundred and sixty-five more days to go. To go where? Breathing won't stop after two hundred and sixty-five days...I hope. I feel like I created this project for my own amusement. For who else's amusement would it be? Now that I think about it, I do everything for my own entertainment (even the things that I don't like). We do the things that we don't like so that we can enjoy the things that we do like. If we liked everything we did, then we wouldn't know it. We create these polarities only to know how each one feels. I don't like going shopping, but after having gone and gotten what I needed, I like the feeling of not having to go shopping anymore. Then, do I really not like going shopping? There is no true like or dislike. There's only the extent to which we want to experience any one thing.

The Practice

Thursday - 20 minute meditation
Friday - 30 minute meditation and an hour in a half yoga
Saturday - 20 minute meditation

Reflection

Thoughts are blatantly loud on serene walks. They follow behind like dogs without leashes. As long as you don't try to keep them on leash, they will sniff around attempting to find the thief, then move on to the next thing; but try showing them the thief and they will come too late. It's fine to pretend like you're holding on to the leash whenever the humane society is nearby, but other than that, let them run free... they won't bite.

Day 97 - A new love is born (poem)

And a new love is born...

She fits in every nook and cranny
He builds these nooks
She wants him to join her inside
She knows it's not his place
He is the protective shell that keeps her safe
Without the shell, the nook is moot.

The point of connection
Between the rock and the hard place
Where is the soft place?
She is the soft place.
She molds
She dances
She takes him in.

He is the wind that blows her dance
He is the rock that makes her soft
He is the timekeeper of no time.


The Practice

Tuesday Morning - 30 minute meditation
Wednesday Morning - 30 minute meditation

Reflection


Eckhart Tolle once said, maybe he said it many times I'm not sure and I'm paraphrasing, "the way to tell where you are on your spiritual path is by how quiet the mind is." From my experience it's not only how quiet the mind is; it's also the extent to which I believe my thoughts. All true spiritual teachers say not to take thoughts too seriously. I find myself questioning and letting go of everything that comes through my head. But then there are what Adyashanti calls "Velcro thoughts." My Velcro thoughts tend to fall under two categories: one is when it comes to safety and security and the other is when it comes to relationships. The mental emotional limbic system won't go anywhere and when the right neurotransmitter is activated, it will do its thing. I can hear GangaJi's voice, "What's wrong with that?"

I'm aware that we can hold it all, but it doesn't always feel like it. But once it does feel like it, then it's not a problem and I wonder why I ever had a problem with that. What makes clarity go away? Peter Brown says it doesn't go away, we just don't always realize we're already clear. Where's the confusion? Fear of living to the fullest. "No, I don't wanna feel that. I'll take the other thing, but not that." That's what it is. I'm still not willing to feel it all. I want to though. I'm open to it. Take me away... but gently.

Day 95

There's no solution for vulnerability. It's Monday night and I feel like watching When Harry Met Sally for the gazilionth time. Granted, my period is mere days away and nothing makes sense. No meditation practice in the world can fix the nature of being a woman: sensitivity, confusion, cravings, neediness, fatigue, someone to talk to, blah, blah, blah...

Even being in a relationship doesn't solve it. It's a game each woman must play solo.


The Practice

Saturday - 20 minute meditation
Sunday - None
Monday Morning - 30 minute meditation
Monday Evening - 30 minute meditation

Reflection

Sitting seems to be the only thing that helps when the body doesn't know where it's going. My body started out the day strong. It took me to Runyon Canyon for a nice one-hour hike up the steep hill. Then, it brought me back home for a relaxing session of yoga. But as soon as I sat down to write, my body was in torture. It wanted to go everywhere, yet nowhere at the same time. I finally forced it to settle with another half an hour meditation.

Day 92

Like mud, it slides off. And when it dries, it falls off.
It leaves nothing behind.
Can't go back to check if it's still there
Or even if it rained.
It leaves no evidence.
Can't build on muddy grounds
As it will too slide down into the earth.
What then?
Like a child playing with sand
Knowing that with the next wave the castle will be wiped out
It continues to build with the same enjoyment it watches it disappear
And shouts into the sky, "Let's do it again!"

The Practice

Wednesday Morning - 10 minute meditation
Thursday Morning - 15 minute meditation
Friday Morning - 20 minute meditation

Reflection

I withdrew my application from the Zen Center. I can go there and look for direct experience or I can stay here and be with it now. It doesn't mean that I don't enjoy sitting at the Zendo or seeing familiar friendly faces. It doesn't mean anything. It's what it is.

I spent this past Sunday at home, laying in bed, eating, walking, reading, being very ordinary instead of at the Zen Center trying to get there and I can report that trying to get there is like trying to dress a tree in leaves in order to make it look like a tree when it is THAT already.

Day 89

Thoughts of going back to school are visiting me once more. I drove myself crazy this past summer trying to decide whether I should get my psychology license. What about the writing? What about the tuition? What about this? What about that? So, I stopped. I did not do anything and listened for directions. The directions led me back here, to stay put, to be patient, to go with the natural flow of things, and so I did. The thoughts stopped and going back to school no longer called me forth. And now, I'm being pulled once more, but this time I'm not listening with my head. Ironically, the head does not solve anything. My heart is writing. My heart is looking where it wants. My heart is feeling things out without acting prematurely. It's a relief, really.

Adyashanti writes, "The only thing that will move you is the same thing that moves a leaf hanging from a tree. It's simply because the breeze blows that way. So you always know what to do: The breeze blows that way, and that's the way you go. You don't ask questions anymore. You don't evaluate why the breeze is blowing that way because you know that you don't know why. And you know you can't know why."

Which way is the breeze blowing right now?

The Practice

Monday Morning - 20 minute meditation
Monday Afternoon - Yoga

Reflection

I don't plan as much anymore. I used to plan out my day by the hour and write everything down so that I don't forget. I find that I do forget, but the moment I need to remember to do something, I remember. There's more trust in myself. I don't spin the same records nearly as much anymore. I trust that whatever it is I want resolved, it is done. There's also more of a knowing that there's no state of resolution as Peter Brown pointed out. There's just the play of things. You stay focused while you're playing and then you let it go when you're done. And when it's time to play with something else, then you move on to that without the nostalgia for the old thing. But if there's nostalgia, you go back to it, but it's no longer old, but new all over again.

The brunch bell just rang at Wilson High. Let's see what two options I have to choose from today.

Day 87

Money. Journals. Books. Meaningful movies. These are the things that give me peace at heart. I pick up my checkbook, I see there's money in the bank, I feel at peace. I open my journal, I see words written in it, I feel at peace. I read a line from Walden, I see truth in it, I feel at peace. I watch Forrest Gump, I see the character connected to what is, I feel at peace.

The Practice

Saturday - Satsang with Peter Brown
Sunday Morning - 30 minute meditation

Reflection

Yesterday's satsang in a nutshell:

Confusion = not having reached a resolution. There is no state of resolution = realization.

Day 85

I turned in my membership application at the Zen Center and the moment I did, I immediately regretted it. I didn't know if it was my usual way of being, doubting doing something right after I do it, or an intuitive sign. I decided not to worry about it and see what happens. After the Dharma talk last night, some of the members pressured me to go to service and right then I knew that this is not the place for me. I don't meditate out of ritual or to conform to any one path when I know that many paths lead to the same place. Again, I let it be and waited to see what happens. Today, I get a call from one of the Dharma buddies congratulating me that my application has been accepted. I still have no idea how I feel about it, so I just listen and keep saying, "Ok....Ok...Ok..." She says something along the lines of "if you make a mistake at the Zendo, then it's your choice if you want to get embarassed about it or just fix the mistake." Surprisingly, I didn't react like I usually do, "Don't tell me what to do because I don't like walking on eggshells." Then, I had a realization, who says that I have to walk on eggshells?


The Practice

Wednesday Morning - 30 minute meditation
Thursday Evening - 30 minute meditation and Dharma talk
Friday Morning - 10 minute meditation

Reflection

I've been leaning towards the scary parts of my SELF. The usual reaction was always to lean away. But I find that welcoming what I don't want to see, what I don't want to feel, and what I simply don't want, is not as scary as it seems at first glance. And the reasons for avoiding those parts, more often than not, turn out to be elementary leftover beliefs that have absolutely no relevance at this point in time at all. Some parts are scarier than others. But I'm slowly inching towards those as well. Whatever doesn't kill me....

Day 82

I found myself feeling guilty for having such an awesomely flexible and entertaining job that of a substitute teacher. "I should be working harder" my mind wanted me to believe. "But I don't like working harder," the other part of me counter-argued. I asked myself which part gave me more stress and it was the "I should be working harder" part.

I realized that we do everything we can in order to make it harder on ourselves rather than easier. We feel guilty for not doing enough, but when we do enough, it becomes too much. We run around looking for that happy medium when we're already living it. It already is how we've always wanted. But that's too simple. Who would we be if we did not look for the perfect job, the perfect place to live, the perfect mate, and the perfect life? When I ask myself that question, the answer is always... I'd be happy!

Where does guilt fit into all this? It's the mind looking for a problem where there is none.

The Practice

Monday Morning - 15 minute meditation
Tuesday Morning - 15 minute meditation
Tuesday Evening - Cardio and a pigeon

Reflection

Speaking of guilt, I caught myself feeling guilty during meditation for being the light onto myself. If I'm the light onto myself, then I don't need anyone to make me happy. In its truest meaning, it's liberation. But the old school mindset wants to believe that I need someone to be happy. Why don't I just toss the old school mindset and live in liberation? Old habits die hard is coming to mind until they no longer come to mind, I suppose. Although, it's clearer to see that it's a habit.

Day 80

In relation to another, I can see where I still need to deepen. I can see where I still need to heal. It's easy to miss when you're alone, but as soon as someone else enters the picture, the wounds pop up like firecrackers. "Here, look at me! Did you forget about me?" And losing the ability to repress doesn't help. Here's the miraculous thing though - firecrackers explode and then they're gone. When I don't turn away, they don't continue popping. They simply make their grand entrance and with a crack, crack, crack, disappear.  


The Practice

Saturday Evening - 30 minute meditation

Reflection

I missed a day of meditation; on purpose, I might add. The ground shook. The light flickered. But I survived. My body wanted to sit still. And when I did, my mind didn't want to sit still. Interestingly enough, with the body being still, the mind followed. It wants to settle. It wants to take a break from all the chatter. I actually felt my mind thanking me for giving it rest.

On my way to the Zen Center to sit some more...

Day 77

I was sitting at my desk covering a science class yesterday. I was sitting and listening to the chatter. A thought came in, "Why won't they stop talking?" Then another thought answered, "Why would they? Students behave like students behave. They're perfectly themselves." Then, I began looking at them. Most of them were talking and most of them were happy. They had a sparkle in their eye. I knew right then that they were happy to be alive. They wouldn't have it any other way. And I wouldn't either.

I asked myself, "What separates me from them?" I didn't get an answer.


The Practice
Tuesday Morning - 15 minute meditation
Tuesday Evening - Byron Katie's "The Work" with a facilitator
Wednesday Morning - 15 minute meditation
Wednesday Evening - Live radio with Adyashanti and a 30 minute meditation
Thursday Morning - 30 minute meditation

Reflection

Thoughts are a multi-layer structure. I have thoughts about the thoughts about the thoughts. I was sitting in meditation today and it occurred to me that there could be infinite number of thoughts about the thoughts and so on.  For instance, I started thinking about my work; I caught myself and went back to the present time. A few seconds later, I heard a faint thought say, "see, you don't have to think about your work if you don't want to." Then, my mind went, "wait, that's also a thought." At the same time, I heard a whisper of another thought that I couldn't decipher the specificity of, but I knew it was another layer of a thought that seemed much farther. The further I looked into how far the thoughts really go, the farther they went. There was no end to it.

I realized that no matter how far down the rabbit hole I go, it's all mind. And I am both the rabbit hole and the mind that takes me there.

Day 74

There's no stronger desire than the desire to connect to another, but there is no another. So, the only other we're trying to connect to is ourselves. But what is that unfathomable pull to a physical being that we cannot resist nor want to? Why that face, that mind, that body? To question is futile. The only thing that's left is to experience it, "but only 100% of the time" as Byron Katie likes to put it.


The Practice

Sunday Morning - 40 minute meditation and discussion on intention and practice
Monday Morning - 15 minute meditation
Monday Evening - 1 hour yoga class

Reflection

It's harder to stay present when the mental images are so alluring. I guess that's what Ganga Ji means when she says that "disillusionment is letting go of a mistaken and often pleasurable belief." I find that with the thought of pleasure comes the immediate follow up thought of suffering. However, when I don't take the ride on one of those thoughts, the feeling is of pure love. The images are welcomed as long as they don't linger, but even when they do, it's still nothing more or less than the experience of this moment.

And so... as I ride the wave of the experience, without the expectation of getting too high or the fear of getting knocked down, I'm inside the happy medium called joy.

Day 72

I rather enjoyed being a part of a family argument today. It was like I wasn't even there. Before I would try and pretend that I'm not there, but I find that I don't have to pretend anything. Arguments are  vibrational frequencies that are here one moment and gone the next. I watched as this hot energy ball was being tossed around between my mother, my father, and my sister, but nothing at all was out of bounce. It couldn't have been any other way. The scene played out perfectly. My mother reacted in the only way she could. My father retorted the way my father does. My sister counteracted the reactions that were presented to her. Meanwhile, nothing at all was amiss. Nothing at all was out of tune. And I was there too. I too played my part. But the witness was also there. Not just in me, but in all of us - the one witness who is both the reactor and the reactee, the watcher and the watched, the human and the being.


The Practice

Thursday morning - 15 minute meditation
Thursday evening - 40 minute meditation and Dharma talk @ Insight LA
Friday morning - 15 minute meditation
Friday evening - Relational Mindfulness class
Saturday morning - 30 minute meditation and 1 hour Yoga at the park


Reflection

I'm drawn to be outside more and more. I crave it. I'm being called to merge with the grass, the sand, and the sky. Doing yoga outside this morning was immeasurably sweet. It didn't matter if my body didn't exactly bend like a pretzel because whatever it was doing was just enough.

Day 69

Where is home? Who is home? And who am I in relation to it all? How much can I include in my heart? How many people can I invite into it before I realize that it can hold the entire universe?

The Practice

Tuesday morning - 15 minute meditation
Tuesday evening - Byron Katie's "The Work" (3 hours)
Wednesday morning - 30 minute meditation

Reflection

I decided to put one of my habitual thoughts to the test yesterday during "The Work." If you're not familiar with the work, it's basically a process of self-inquiry where you look at each thought by asking four questions:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?
And then, you turn it around. Once you find the turn around that fits, then you find three genuine examples of how each turnaround is true in your life.

I tried doing the work on my own before and for some reason I felt that the "work" didn't work for me. And even last night, with the facilitator there, I was doubtful whether I would find the core issue to a habitual thought pattern. At first, I didn't even know what to write about until I heard, "I don't want to go home." I asked to go first as I have never been facilitated in this process before and wanted the most genuine experience. And I got exactly what I asked for, plus some...

Arising from "I don't want to go home" came the thought, "I shouldn't be living at home" to "It's too expensive to move out" to "I shouldn't be depending on other people" to "My parents are too distracted"  to "They can't handle my authenticity" to turning all those statements around to "I should be living at home" to "I can't handle my parents' authenticity" to breaking down bawling only to discover that the reason I'm living at home is because I love my parents.

This is by far the shorter version of what transpired yesterday. And I've skipped hours of confusion and turn arounds that led to the revelations. I realized that asking the right questions at the right time leads to inevitable revelations.

Day 67

I'm sitting in my room and listening to the sound of life. It's a whooshing sound. It's a buzzing and the vibrating aliveness. It's all the classic novels written simultaneously.

The Practice

Sunday   9:30 to 12:30 PM Chan meditation and talk
               2:30 to 4:15 PM Satsang with John Sherman

Monday  8:15 to 8:45 AM Zazen meditation

Reflection

John asked, "What does it feel like being you?"
The moment he asked that question, I was "myself." And not me, Marina, with a name and history, but rather the space where the entity Marina lives. My heart started beating fast as if I was losing myself and of course, I was.
I asked him, "How do I stop holding on?"
He answered, "Don't worry about holding on or letting go. Just look at yourself. Just see."
A woman sitting to my left asked if her worry would go away with seeing herself. John answered, "The worry about the worry would go away." I knew instantly what he meant; although I couldn't clarify it further. "There's nothing wrong with worry. There's nothing wrong with feeling the weight of responsibility. It's the worry about the worry. It's the story that goes with feeling responsible that causes suffering." It was yet another confirmation that experience is a matter of sensation. Later in the evening, I was listening to one of my favorite songs saying the same thing. The line goes, "Pain... I guess it's a matter of sensation, but somehow, you have a way of avoiding it all"(Revenge by Danger Mouse & Sparklehorse).

Day 66

One breath and a cup of tea

When I find myself confused, clarity is just one breath away
To be clearer, the breath is never away it's always here
Within me, as me, breathing me

When I find myself too far gone, a cup of tea can bring me home
Wherever I am I find a home
Home at the coffee shop; home in the classroom, home within me

With just one breath and a sip of tea
Low and behold, I am free...

The Practice

None

Reflection

I did not feel like doing a formal meditation yesterday. And it wasn't like I was resisting it because usually that's a direct indication that I should sit down, but more of a spontaneous non-decision. I had a peaceful day too. I ended my mental stories mid-thought. I didn't go on emotional roller coasters. I was enjoying what each moment brought.

I don't know what today will bring, but I do know that expecting it to be just like yesterday is a set up for  disappointment. Without the baggage of what was yesterday, we're free to experience the newness of today.

Day 64

I did not feel like going home after work today. It helps to break patterns to mess with the head. Another pattern I've been breaking is stopping believing in emotional turnovers. Emotions are here to be felt not avoided, feared, or dealt with. There is nothing I can do about them because there's nothing I'm supposed to do about them. They're here to be experienced. It may sound like common sense, but how many times a day do we "do something" so that we don't feel bored or we turn on the music so that we don't feel alone or reach for the phone so that we don't feel confused about our being here.

I've been letting my emotions be even if they're nothing but minor discomforts or annoyances. Do you know which ones I'm talking about? Those funky feelings that you can't pinpoint or blame on anger, sadness or fear. When felt deeply, the funk does seem be coming from anger, sadness, or fear, but if felt even more deeply, they just go away as if there was nothing there. Technically, there is nothing there, but I'm speaking from the emotional point of view.

And so... here I am, at Silverlake Coffee, feeling...


The Practice

Thursday evening - 40 minute meditation and 1 hour Dharma talk
Friday morning - 15 minute meditation

Reflection

"How do you know when you're ready to be a teacher?" Asked the teacher at yesterday's Dharma talk, "when you begin to disappear."

I ask myself how much of the self I'm still holding on to. I suppose that anything that I still believe to be true about what I think is yet to be revealed. For the past few years, pieces of the self or the ego have been chipping away. Mostly, it has been a spontaneous chipping away. There goes that piece and there goes this piece. I'm not sure if chunks have dropped off. Overall, the pieces have accumulated into chunks.

If everything we think is true disappears, then what's left?

"The breath," said the teacher. "Coming back to the breath is coming back to stability."

It's true. It's about the only thing I know is true.

Day 62

I watched my cat Mia yesterday evening for about an hour. First, she meowed a few times as if she wanted something, then she licked herself for several minutes, then she heard something and her ears perked up in the direction where the sound was coming from, then she continued cleaning herself, then she looked at me and meowed again, then she walked over to her water dish, drank, and then came back and sat, waiting. It was so apparent that every move she made or didn't make was spontaneous and unguarded. She did not choose to go there or here, she just went. She was not in conflict about licking herself or not licking herself, she just did. And when she was done cleaning, eating, drinking, meowing, or playing, then she would just sit there looking wherever she felt inclined to look for however long before another flow of activity would start.

Why am I talking about my cat Mia? It's easy to see where we go astray in our own so-called stressful lives if we take the time to take a good look at animal behavior. There is no agenda, inner conflict, or complicated decision-making process in animal life. The first counter-argument to explain their behavior would be that they don't have the mental capacity to create problems and that's true. However, after being in meditation both on and off the mediation bench, it becomes obvious that we too would not create problems and be one with the ebb and flow of life if we did not adhere to everything our mind tells us.  Adyashanti confirms this in his book, The End of Your World, when he writes about his own awakening experience, "As the light of awakening starts to penetrate on the level of mind, we see that mind has no inherent reality to it. It's a tool that reality can use, but it's not reality."

The Practice

Monday evening - 35 minutes of Zazen at ZCLA
Tuesday morning - 10 minutes on the meditation bench
Wednesday morning - 30 minutes on the meditation bench

Reflection

For the past few days, I've been having this frontal lobe headache. I know it has something to do with the weather, but I don't delve into the reason too much. The discomfort is just there. I find that including the headache in the rest of my experience of seeing, hearing, feeling, breathing, listening, working, reading, eating, etcetera, instead of focusing on it as this isolated event, turns the headache into a fuzzy tingling sensation. I'm no longer carrying this heavy load inside my frontal lobe as I used to whenever I had those type of headaches.

Emotional loads tend to work the same way. If I include them in the rest of my experience instead of focusing on them or trying to avoid them at all cost, they sort of disperse in the rest of the body and the load becomes much lighter. Don't take my word for it; see if it works for you.

Day 60

It was a rainy, dreary afternoon at my great aunt's memorial service and I'm not talking about the weather. My immediate and extended family gathered around the tombstone praying and hoping that no other such tragedy would strike again. I wondered how they could possibly believe that to be true standing there amidst the sea of graves. Even being inside the obviousness of it all, somehow we still convince ourselves that reality of life is not real and if we continue to resist the inevitable a little bit longer than maybe we'll be spared.

The mind does sure know how to keep itself holding on to illusion, but I find that with every losing battle, the concepts of who we think we are slowly, but surely start to dissolve. And suddenly the only real death becomes the death of the concepts because reality itself does not go anywhere.

Meditation

The morning sit - 35 minutes

Reflection


I don't have to figure anything out. It's such a relief to really know that. I don't have to do anything about anything. I used to be so afraid that if I don't think about all the options of a given situation that it won't resolve itself, but it's quite the opposite. I'm more stuck in a situation when I continue thinking about it.

The other day I was about to go on another "fix-it" trip and then I said to myself and not I, Marina, but the one who observes everything, "I don't have to think about this" and as if someone turned on the light switch, I smiled to myself.

 

Day 58

I woke up this morning with a dreadful feeling of aloneness. And when I say aloneness, I don't mean loneliness. It's more like a knowing or a feeling that there's nothing and no one out there. No matter where I go and who I meet, I keep bumping into the reflection of my self.

I got up slowly, went through my morning routine just as slowly, and made myself some tea. I didn't engage in the "am I really alone?" mental work. I stayed with the sensations of "aloneness." It didn't take long for the sensations to change to OKness. I decided right then that I was going to go to the Zen Center this morning.

Soon after, the mind went into its planning mode. "What am I going to do after the Zen Center?" As soon as that thought entered my mind, worry returned. I stayed with the worry sensation and that too turned into OKness.

 The Practice

Meditation with Eckhart Tolle - 20 minutes
Cardio - 30 minutes

Reflection

I haven't been to the Zen Center in over a week and I have to say that I'm itching to go. Although, I have been sitting consistently for at least 10 minutes a day, there's something about sitting longer with other people around you that feels more grounding.

Day 57

I took a day off today to recharge. So, I'm going to make this short. My body and mind have gotten used to consistent work and they're like, "you should be working or taking advantage of this time to do something productive." I remember Adyashanti or whoever saying that whatever goes away when you're not thinking is not real. And this anxious need to fill my time with something is not real.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 10 minutes

Reflection

Tapping into the environment around me is extremely helpful to get out of the head. And that includes everything: the clanking of the dishes, the argument in the building across the street, the doors slamming, the sound of my own breath.

Day 55

My morning blogging has shifted into evening blogging. Watch... now that I said that, it will shift to morning again. Isn't it how everything is? We make a definite statement about something and the next thing you know, you're shown its contradiction.

I really enjoyed my day at school today. I had challenging classes too. But there was something about overcoming these challenges or rather forming a relationship with them that proved to be fun. The teacher comes in to class today and tells me that the Internet doesn't work, so I would have to walk across campus to get the rosters. Then, he goes on to semi-explain what the first two classes are doing pointing to a cheat sheet that I peripherally notice as he's talking. He comes up with a lesson plan for 6th period on the spot, not sure that his class would really respond to it, but leaving it up to me to do with what I can. He makes a few other comments about how this and that doesn't really work, but he has to go, he adds, "I'm sorry," and leaves. There's no teacher's desk in the room and barely any supplies. I smile and nod and proceed to walk back to the main office where I have to change my room key as I was given the wrong one, get the rosters, get the materials from the teacher's mail box, and go back to the room to give out the summons for the PSAT testing by 7:55 AM.

As I went through the day supervising one large group of students after another seeing how they would not stay on task otherwise, I had an insight: every job has built-in challenges for variety and enjoyment. Whether that's true for you, you have to test for yourself. I can't speak for tomorrow, but today it was true for me.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 10 minutes
Informal meditation consisting of staring at a tree outside - 15 minutes

Reflection

The mind likes to create stories and images with anything that it can get its hands on. I read recently in the "Way of the Peaceful Warrior" that the first task in meditation is to notice the fleeting nature of our thoughts and the second is to let them go. I noticed that there's a moment of choice almost when we can decide to latch on to the story or let it go. But the moment leaves with the slight of hand. It has become easier to go the other way. For lack of better words, the power of awareness is growing.

Day 54

We can see what IS when we stop looking to our mind to tell us what is true.  - Adyashanti

Today, during the staff meeting at Eagle Rock High School where I sub most often, I found myself in another timeless reality. It was as if I was a ghost watching how the other side lives; yet, I was on the same side. There was no judgment or analysis of what I was observing. It was simple observation without the mental commentary.

The teachers were giving presentations on their subject and how to improve upon it; whilst, I had a distinct feeling that everything was already part of the flawless design.

The subs were allowed to leave at 3:12 pm on the dot. I didn't see anybody move and usually, I would've waited for another person to go first as to not bring attention to myself, but that thought did not even cross my mind, I got up and left.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 15 minutes
Evening meditation - 15 minutes

Reflection

I've been getting over a cold these past couple of days and sitting in a specific position has been slightly more challenging. However, being grounded in my body has not been difficult. It's as if the illness has grabbed me by the collar and shouted in my ear, "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" How else can the body that needs rest get attention from the mind?

And I thought I was doing pretty good with the yoga, meditation, and drinking tea all the time. It just shows you that what actually IS has nothing to do with how the mind thinks it should be. Life does its thing regardless, and we can have all sorts of ideas about how our bodies should be run, but the fact remains that they run themselves.

Day 53

It has become that much more apparent that the world of form consists of nothing but endings. Before the movie begins it's already over. Before the cold starts, we're already healed. Before we sit down to eat, we've already finished.

When you begin to look at endings, it's sort of disheartening; and yet, when you look deeper, there's something that allows all endings to be and THAT which allows it does NOT end. What is THAT?

The Practice

Laying on my back, staring at the ceiling in meditation - 20 minutes

Reflection

Who says that meditation can only happen when you sit? However, it does take to be grounded in stillness in order to lie on your back, stare at the ceiling, and not fall asleep. I had a temperature yesterday  and laying down was the only way I could meditate. I found that my focus shifted more, but I also went deeper at certain times as the position was more relaxing than sitting upright. There's more openness that comes with relaxation.

Day 51

I find that acknowledging teenagers' presence lifts a layer of antagonism from the teacher/ student relationship. Simply by looking into their eyes and really SEEING them creates an invisible bond. I was actually invited to a football game by one of the students yesterday. A sense of camaraderie developed from relating to another human being on a deeper level.

I catch myself avoiding people's eyes when I'm brooding or lost in some story. But the catching itself is waking up from that hazy dream. There is a sense of relief when I know that I've been brooding and that I don't have to. I can look at another person's eyes and feel connected once again. 

The Practice

Morning meditation - 15 minutes

Yoga - 30 minutes

Evening meditation - 30 minutes

Reflection

I chose to prolong my meditation and blogging in the morning at the expense of being late to work and I ended up coming to work at the same time I always do. Isn't that interesting? I'm realizing more and more how elusive time is. 

Day 50

Pinning down habitual thoughts breaks down identification with them.

Yesterday in class, while the students were taking their Algebra I test, I had another one of my habitual thoughts, "I need to be writing right now." I actually heard the thought, as in "outside" of me and I didn't follow it. I wanted to see what would happen if I didn't automatically get on that train. I heard other thoughts calling me like "You can investigate this later like after school when you have more free and alone time. Take advantage of the quiet to do some story work." The dis-identified part of me or the watcher; although there are no different parts, but there's no other way to explain it, was stronger and it was pulling me home. In that world, the thoughts are not hindering, they are nothing but squirmy children in the playground that you let be.

In that moment of not following that next thought, I was suddenly there in the present. The students became even quieter than before. I was walking around the room and actually being in the room. When I looked students in the eye, I recognized myself in them. I rested in that place of no-thought. Thoughts were still going on, but I was not taking the ride with them.

The Practice 

Morning meditation - 15 minutes
Evening meditation and the talk on Mindfulness at Insight LA - 1 hour and 30 minutes

Reflection

The teacher at Insight LA did a more guided meditation and I found myself wanting her to stop talking so I could just be. Every time I would settle into stillness, she'd say something else. On the one hand, her talking was just another thing arising in the present moment; on the other hand, I could've gone to the Zen Center and wouldn't have had someone interrupting the focus. Then, I thought, "well, isn't life full of interruptions?" And so I settled into the moment and let it be.

Then again, during the talk on Mindfulness, every time she would say the word "mindfulness" it would take me to the mind versus quieting it. I wanted to raise my hand and ask her if "mindfulness" was indeed the best word to use to point to the stillness within. I did end up saying something, but it had nothing to do with what I really wanted to ask and I let it go.

On the drive home, I made two conclusions: mindfulness meditation doesn't work for me and I was judging the experience.

Day 49

The moment you become accustomed to the way things are, everything changes.


The Practice

Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Yoga - 30 minutes
Evening meditation and class at a new place- 1 hour and 20 minutes

Reflection

Going to new places to meditate really wigs out the mind. The mind habituates to old places very quickly. "Oh, I know this cushion. I know that window. I'm home." Whenever it's at a new place, it goes, "Do I feel comfortable here? Do they know what they're doing? Will I come back again?" And then I settled, opening up my heart and mind. It was even easier to see how much time I spend in my head versus here in reality. And then I was in reality.

The change in perspective was immediately followed by "who am I?" The question is always lurking in the background, not wanting to be answered, but played with and known.

Day 48

"It's the insufficiency that's doing the search. It's the insufficiency that's striving for anything. But it's not the insufficiency that wakes up." - Adyashanti

I came face-to-face with that truth yesterday when I went to the coffee shop to write. I haven't been able to write consistently for the past month and so when I had a good two in a half hour session, I thought that would make me feel good, as in, "I've done enough." Low and behold, it did not feel like it. The more I wrote, the more I felt like I needed to keep writing. It felt like enough for a moment and then that sense of insufficiency came in and said, "What about all those times you did not write? And there are still a few hours left in the day, you can use them to continue writing and then you'll feel like you've done enough. And don't forget that you have to keep doing this every day from now on so that you don't fall behind again."

I didn't continue writing because something inside of me already knew that I was not going to get the feeling of "enoughness" through it. Instead, I listened to Peter Brown's sat-sang online.

Whatever it is we're striving for doesn't usually come from a place of fullness. Because when it does come from a place of fullness, we do whatever we do for sake of doing it, not the results we wish it will produce for us. And there's a qualitative difference between the two. It doesn't mean that we should stop doing whatever it is we do, but just become aware of where the motivation for doing it is coming from. For me, it has become difficult to keep up the climb when I know there's no destination to get to. If the climb is done for its own sake, then it is joyful and enough.

Whenever I feel myself running in place, I have to stop and center myself because there's nowhere to go.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Hiking - 40 minutes
Peter Brown Sat-Sang online - 1 hour

Reflection

I'm realizing that people meditate to see whatever it is they're running from. It may be an old pain, insufficiency, the fear of the unknown, etcetera. I've been noticing all of that and more as I continue sitting and looking. Whenever I feel a pang of discomfort in my chest, my first, immediate reaction is to mask it. "No, I didn't just feel that. Let's see, what do I feel like eating?" Whenever I don't run away from it and sit with the pang, feeling it vibrating and churning, it's not as bad as my mind made it out to be. It usually just goes away by simply putting my attention on it.

Whatever it is that we don't want to feel is actually our ally.

Day 47

I woke up one morning and decided that I want an iPhone. I've had my blackberry pearl for over three years. I didn't get the iPhone bug during the hype with everyone else until now. Another indication that we each go at our own pace. But that's not even the point of the story.

Yesterday, I called AT&T to double check that I'm eligible for an upgrade as I knew I would be since it had been way over two years. Instead, I got another lesson on "don't assume anything." The representative informed me that I wouldn't be eligible until June of next year as I have already had an upgrade to a Nokia phone in October of last year. I spent an hour on the phone with her convincing her that I did not order the Nokia phone. I asked her to look at my phone history. She called and double checked with everyone she knew on her end and still she kept repeating the same two lines over and over that the order was placed and that I'm not eligible for the discounted upgrade until June, but I could pay the full price and get the phone now if I wanted to. Having known people who counted down the days until they were eligible for an upgrade to get the iPhone, I was not willing to wait another nine months when I was already a year and three months overdue on upgrading. I was convinced that someone hacked into my account and I demanded that the situation be resolved. She assigned me a case number and that was it.

When I hung up the phone, I decided to call my mother and ask her, just in case, if anyone in the family ordered a phone off of my number and contract, as my family and I belong to the same family plan. After building a case for myself with the AT&T representative for an hour, I come to find out that a phone indeed was ordered last October for my father. My mom told me not to worry because I could get an upgrade off of her phone number and simply put my chip into the new phone. I've calmed down at this point as I've burned all my fuel with the lady on the phone and I asked my mother to please inform me of these sort of things the next time and left it at that.

In retrospect, I realized that I was not in breath-awareness. Although, I was not as upset as I could've been, during that short period of time when I thought I was not going to get what I believed was fair, I turned into this "small self," as they say in Zen Buddhism, and switched on the desperate, helpless channel of "do something, I'm not getting what I deserve." The channel was not turned on for long, but it did snap me back to reality and reminded me that as long as "I want, I don't want" is manifesting, the channel will keep turning on.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 15 minutes
Peter Brown discussion group with my friend Nancy - 3 hours

Reflection

I keep noticing my mind wanting to worry about this thing or that. The thoughts that tend to pass are "I could do that," "Should I do this instead?" "That didn't feel good last time," "Maybe I should do more of this because it felt better," "What's going to happen?" Then, it kicks into planning mode: "first, I'm going to sit here for however long, then I'm going to write the post, then have breakfast...." Then, I wake up and go back to my breath.

Overall, it has become easier and quicker to get back to right here, right now verses the fantasyland in my head. The more I notice when I'm in my head, the easier it is to notice when I'm in my head. The noticing perpetuates itself.

Day 46

I don't feel very well right now. I'd rather go back to sleep. And I've already had over eight hours of sleep last night. I'm going to get some tea.

The Practice

Morning Zazen - 1 hour and 20 minutes
Dharma Talk by Roshi - 1 hour and 15 minutes

Reflection

The talk yesterday was about "thinking non-thinking." It's impossible and unnecessary to try and stop thinking. The practice of sitting is about watching what the mind does rather than prevent it from doing what it does. It's going to do it anyway and to fight it is futile. It's about noticing the different beliefs we have about ourselves. It's not about the content of thought. It's about the awareness that there is content. The content itself doesn't matter. We tend to believe that certain thoughts are more important than others or more insightful, but awareness itself doesn't care about our insightful thoughts, it just wants to be aware of itself.

Day 45

I've been eating so much carbs this week you'd think I'm storing for winter. But I'm going with it because apparently that's what my body wants at this time.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Yoga at the park - 1 hour

Reflection

I had a very militant yoga teacher yesterday. "Up...down...up....down. Down dog. Up dog." I went at my own pace and had an amazing session. Even as everyone was standing up and I was still in the down dog position, I was exactly where I was supposed to be - going with my own flow. I didn't get caught up in the "I should already be in this position or that one."

It feels like thinking is becoming more of a choice than an involuntary response. Although, thinking does simply happen. It's our identification with any thought in particular that causes suffering. Some of you might be reading this and saying, "I'm not suffering from thinking. I rather enjoy it. And it's useful." What I'm talking about here is that subtle background feeling of discomfort or trying to get somewhere, but never getting there. For most people, it's still a normal way of life. It's hard to tell that you're suffering when means of escape still work like happy hour, television, social events, work, family drama, busyness, the next vacation, etcetera.

It's when they stop working, you get this "Uh-oh" sensation in the pit of your stomach and then you're forced to stare your suffering in the face. But why wait until that happens. Stop and feel when irritation arises. Stop and feel when anxiety arises. Stop and feel when boredom arises. Stop and feel when the feeling of "something is wrong" or "this is not enough" arises. Just stop and feel.

I'm doing the same with food at this time. Who's hungry me or my mind?

Day 44

It's interesting to observe what connects people. I've befriended three people, two women and one man in their fifties, simply because the four of us are going through a similar awakening experience. We're drawn to the same teachers. We're noticing the same phenomena. We communicate in the same language. We can simply look at one another and know what the other is saying, trying to say, or doesn't need to say.

Every week or so we go to dinner and share our experiences, provide insights, and discuss the "undiscussable." I couldn't have asked for a better support group. They are the family I've always wanted. I love my family and they're a part of it all like everything else, but it's nice to have another family that I can connect with on another level.

Most of us consider our friends as family, but there is another kind of a family that we are connected to for reasons we do not know or understand. If there are such things as past lives, then these would be the people that have been here through each reincarnation with us. There's a recognition of oneness.

We went to dinner last night and the similar thread this week has been "moving invisibility." If you look at any object long enough, you will start seeing it move or waver. And if you stay still long enough, other people will barely notice that you're there, it's as if you're becoming invisible.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 10 minutes

Reflection

It's very easy to make meditation into "just another thing I have to do" when we start to become habituated. I began using that time to really look. I don't close my eyes in meditation, I keep them half-open and out of focus. But even then, if the concentration is not there to really look, the mind will take over.

To look, outside the meditation, is just as helpful. Next time you're in the car sitting in traffic, look at the red light or the tree next to you or the asphalt, without naming what you're looking at or analyzing it. Really....LOOK!

Day 43

I'm back to day-to-day subbing and I love it. We sure do get exactly what we want. Sometimes it takes doing the opposite in order to see what's right here already.

I'm writing things and erasing them. Nothing seems to be sticking. I could talk about this that happened or that, but I don't feel the need. The one thing that does come up is talking to the sub yesterday at the office. He asked me if I was having a hard time getting jobs and I said no. He said, "you must be the super sub." I answered, "must be." But really, I'm not doing anything to get these jobs. I got a called yesterday from another school asking me to sub on Monday for a class that I enjoy going to. 

I've noticed that when I try to make something happen, it's usually an uphill battle, which doesn't necessarily produce results, but when I literally sit back and relax, then things just to tend to come. 

The Practice

Morning meditation - 10 minutes

Evening Zazen - 30 minutes

Personal practice talk with Dharma Joy at ZCLA - 1 hour

Reflection

I've been blogging every other day, but I'm still sitting every day. During my conference period yesterday, I sat staring at the door knob for several minutes. It's amazing to notice when looking at something long enough how fluid everything is. There's nothing you can look at out there that's solid. Absolutely everything is constantly moving and changing. How can we ever attach to any one thing or thought when they're nothing, but ever-moving particles of dust?

Day 41

When my long-term assignment ended three days earlier, I wondered if there was a reason for it. The next morning, on my way to drop off the classroom key, I get a call from a friend asking me to take her to Urgent Care. My friend is doing fine and she got the help she needed. Is there a connection? Who knows? But it sure feels like things tend to happen for a reason.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 15 minutes
Evening meditation - 15 minutes

Reflection

Things are flowing more organically or I'm going more with the flow. I'm not sure which. There's still that quieter nagging voice in the background that asks, "Am I doing enough? Am I doing the right thing?" But the questions are becoming fainter and less serious, as well as the feelings of guilt associated with them.

Day 40

They say that in the moment of decision the universe works to assist you. I decided that this coming Thursday was going to be my last day at the long-term sub position as I feel that I've done my part in that classroom and it's time to pass down the torch. Yesterday after school I get a call from the office manager saying that they hired the new teacher and I'm being released from my assignment as of that moment.

In these so-called "hard times" most people are trying to keep their jobs as long as possible; yet, I don't get that need. I had a realization the other day that I don't make the money, none of us do. We don't go to work to "make money," we go to know ourselves. We go to know our joys, our limits, our irritations, our frustrations, our need for security. The money itself is the byproduct of what we're drawn to at any given time. Does it mean that if we sit at home all day and don't go to work, the money will keep on coming? May be. We don't know because we're too busy being scared that we'll end up on the street. But if we really look at the motivation behind going to work or not going to work, it has nothing to do with money, but rather where we're being drawn.

On the surface it seems like we're doing this thing or that for a specific reason, but really we're not doing anything, IT'S doing us.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 10 minutes

Reflection

It's been 40 days and nights. Sitting in the mornings has become as natural as making my bed. And making my bed hasn't always been natural. It's like anything, I suppose. I was listening to Byron Katie talk about brushing her teeth on You Tube the other day. She was saying how difficult it used to be to just get up and brush her teeth at the time of her deep depression. And then one day she heard her own voice saying "all you have to do is brush your teeth."

We don't have to overwhelm ourselves with "all the things we have to do." The only thing we ever have to do at any given moment is just brush our teeth or make our bed or sit.

Day 38

There's stillness in the unlikeliest of places. In the past two nights, I've gone to a classic rock show and a dance club and both times I was actually able to stay rooted inside while dancing and listening to the blasting music. Granted, I did not drink nor did I want to. But I was able to have a good time without the external stimuli. The loudness that used to bother me was nothing but ripples on the surface to the depth within.

Not having gone to a dance club in a long time, I witnessed a vast difference in my inner world. Things that are happening out there are becoming less and less tangible. Living from the inside out is not so much an idea any more, but reality.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 30 minutes

Reflection

I share these selected experiences in the blog and they feel so out of place with the way the day actually progresses; yet, they fit right in. I allow myself to be led more. I don't know if I'm allowing or I'm just being led; whichever the case, I'm sensing the difference between "have to do" and just doing. For instance, I came online thinking I was going to write in "Creating Me" blog first because I haven't written in that one in a while. I wasn't going to write in "Breathing Through It" until tomorrow. As I sat staring at the "New Post" page, my fingers clicked on the other button for this blog, typed Day 38, and the writing flowed.

Who is doing it? I might have an idea about something, but the rest of me has a mind of its own.

Day 36

Alone time has become a necessity. Solitary walks, time at the park, and quiet sits at home.

The Practice

5:45 AM Meditation - 15 minutes
7:30 PM Zazen - 30 minutes
8:00 PM Personal practice talk at ZCLA - 1 hour

Reflection

"Whatever disappears when you're not thinking is not real." - Adyashanti

That includes everything. When my mind is still and my heart is quiet, the so-called "problems" tend to fade away; in which case, were they ever real? It puts a spin on everything we value as important. Next week's problems are not important. Next day's problems are not important. Even next minute's problems are not important. Eckhart Tolle points out, "what problem are you having at this moment?"

Day 35

When I was driving home from work yesterday, I looked over at the tall apartment buildings off of the 101 freeway near downtown and I pictured myself sitting in one of the studio apartments looking out of the window and listening to the cars passing by. The energy inside of me shifted and it was like I've already lived in that apartment. It was not the same as dejavu. It was more like I knew that I did.

I had the back window open in my car. The combination of the smell of the air and my internal state, as well as Eluvium playing in the background, which I find quiets the mind, put me in this "I'm exactly where I want to be"state. It was as if I was watching myself in a movie and I wouldn't have the movie be any other way. And it wasn't just one scene of the movie, it was the entire movie happening all at once. But because it was happening all at once, everything was standing still. Yet, I knew there was movement in the stillness or stillness in the movement. I'm not sure.

The Practice

5:50 AM meditation - 15 minutes
Cardio - 30 minutes

Reflection

Repetitive and negative thoughts are becoming louder and clearer. It's easier to differentiate the negative thoughts from the positive. They are so evident and they repeat themselves as often as I fixate on them. But it's different now. I don't believe most of them. The reason I say most is because there are some that I might not be aware of yet. But I can hear these thoughts like a broken record. They don't stay long though. And some no longer stick. Even if I want to fixate a little longer, they just roll off the table like marbles and I can hear the faint sound of them rolling away farther and farther.

Day 34

Yesterday in school, I had such resistance to being there for the first part of the day. I wanted to walk out and never look back. And then, as if by magic, I stopped focusing on not wanting to be there. I just stopped focusing. I'm not sure if I simply accepted the resistance for what it is or allowed the stillness to take over my mind instead of my mind taking over the stillness, but something lifted.

Then, I realized that I'm not teaching to make a living. I'm not doing anything to make a living. Anything that I do, I do to know myself. I come to work to know my joys, my pains, my irritations, my limits, etcetera. It doesn't meant that I will stay in the same situation all of my life, but while I'm there, I'm there to know myself. While I'm anywhere, I'm anywhere to know myself.

At the end of school, one of the administrators told me that they're removing one of my classes because there are not enough kids in that class. It also happens to be the class that I had to do the most preparation for.

The Practice

6:00 AM sitting meditation - 10 minutes
Walk - 20 minutes
Listening to Adyashanti in presence - 20 minutes

Reflection

I'm including listening to awakened teachers into my meditation practice. Everything is included in the meditation practice. I do it in the car. I do it in the park. I do it at work. I do it with my parents. I do it while I walk. And there's also something about being in front of a teacher either at a Satsang, Dharma talk, or even listening to one on You Tube that settles the mind and deepens the soul.

Day 33

Everything has a momentum. When I had little to do, then even the smallest of tasks seemed like a lot. When I started teaching and days became quicker and busier, then I would come home feeling like there was more that I could do.

So, if everything has a momentum, then so does the awakening process. If I place more of my attention on unwanted thoughts, then I get more of unwanted thoughts. If I place more of my attention on sense perceptions, my breath, and stillness, then it starts to expand and deepen.

Interestingly enough, I don't know who is doing it? Am I choosing to become more aware or is the awareness doing it all on its own? Ultimately, the awareness and me are one. The only reason it feels like duality is because the mind wants to claim credit.

The Practice

5:50 AM meditation - 10 minutes
Walk - 30 minutes
Evening meditation - 30 minutes

Reflection

I felt really tired around five o'clock and could've fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. So, I laid down to see. Instead of falling asleep, I stared at the spot on the wall in front of me. Everything moved out of focus, even the boundaries of my own body. After ten or so minutes, I got up and began working on my story. The mind tried to pull me in by asking "why are you working on your story all of a sudden?" I ignored it and just went along with the momentum.

I realized that without all that analysis paralysis, whatever wants to be created or expressed through us naturally drives us to move.

Day 32

Monday mornings have a certain quality to them. Going off of the mind, it carries the weight of the entire upcoming week on top of its shoulders. Going off of this moment, there's ease and silence of being. There's aliveness in the body. There's awareness of the whooshing of the cars passing by. There's breath in my lungs.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Yoga - 30 minutes

Reflection

I got a bit caught up yesterday in the "everything I have to do" mindset and it wasn't until several hours later that it dawned on me, for the tenth million time, that I don't have to ever carry more than one item at a time. And that one item only applies to this one moment when it's being carried. For instance, writing these words is the one item and writing them now is the only time I can ever do that. When I get up and start getting dressed that will be my one item. When I make myself tea after that, that will be another one item and so on...

Day 31

I did not blog on Yom Kippur. It wasn't intentional nor was it by accident. I simply did not feel like it. I listened to the singing of my scratchy throat to slow down. I'm pleased to report that I'm feeling better.

Yesterday was another day of reflection at the Zen Center. We had to do three sits, followed by the precept talk, silent snack, and the precept circle. I have to say that I found myself in the state of resistance almost the entire time. First, I couldn't seem to get comfortable in my sitting. Then, I had the opportunity to see a teacher, so I sat and waited in meditation for about an hour, and when I saw her, she spent the third of the time with me that she spent with other people and I left a bit annoyed. Unlike previous times of choice and flavor, we had cheese and crackers for our snack. Neither my stomach nor my mind was getting any food and I began to feel my body contract from both the oncoming fever and the outgoing peace.

By the time I got to the precept circle, my heart barely left a crack for the sun to shine through. As people in the circle began sharing the dark sides of their soul, I began to see my own dark side. Things didn't go as I wanted them to and my reaction was to shrivel up, withdraw, and judge the experience. Interestingly enough, the precept we were discussing had to do with diversity and bearing witness to the joys and suffering of others. As I sat there in my closed state, a reminding thought came, "it has nothing to do with me, just listen." I put all my complaints aside and focused all my attention on the person talking. Miraculously, little by little, my heart began to open up and all was well again.

The Practice

Zazen at ZCLA - 1 hour 30 minutes
Face to face with a teacher - 3 minutes
Precept talk and circle - 1 hour

Reflection

I find that I'm able to choose my thoughts more easily and readily now. There is enough space in me to choose NOT to go there. Ganga Ji says that it takes practice to suffer, but peace is very simple and direct and doesn't take any practice. It's easier said than done when you think that you are your thoughts, but once that gap starts to open, then it becomes a matter of "do I want to suffer at this moment or not?"

Day 29

It's 5:30 in the morning and I'm drinking tea with sugar, a remedy for a scratchy throat. First week in full time work and the body is trying to keep up with the sudden change in schedule. It's amazing how quickly the body picks up the signal to slow down. I just checked my temperature and I'm right at the cusp. It might be time for a dayquil and I hate taking pills. I avoid them at all cost. But there are times for Eastern philosophy and there are times for Western medicine.

I have the whole weekend planned full of festivities, but of course, I do... because the moment you make all these plans, Life comes in, slaps you awake, and says, "Bad timing, eh? You still think it's about you, don't you?"

I feel that I have to step back, sit down, and be still. There's no time like now to stay rooted in body and listen for any clues as to the best way to take care of it. I'm already seeing thoughts like "I don't have time to get sick right now" creeping in . My mind tends to jump to catastrophic conclusions as to how a little cold now can affect the rest of my life.

I'm going to follow my own advice and the advice of the meditation practitioner from last night's Dharma talk, I'm going to breath through it...

The Practice

5:50 AM Meditation - 10 minutes
Cardio - 20 minutes
Evening meditation at ZCLA - 30 minutes
Personal practice talk at ZCLA - 1 hour

Reflection

I haven't felt like skipping a day yet. It's sort of becoming like brushing my teeth. I don't think about it. I just do it.

During the personal practice talk yesterday, one of the long-time practitioners was sharing her experience and she talked about how if she doesn't meditate every day, it affects other areas of her life. She is not as focused, things tend to pile up, and so on. I wonder how much we come to depend on formal meditation to balance out our lives. Krishnamurti says it's another escape; yet, he meditated all the time.

To me, meditation or following your breath is a continuos process. It's before, during, and after sitting. I find that there is some dependency on the actual sitting in a certain way, but in my personal practice, I'm not confined to that. I come back to the breath periodically through out the day and especially if stresses or challenges arise. If I feel that my stress level is rising, my immediate thought now is "where is my breath?" Then, that extra layer of heaviness melts away.

Day 28

Three days into teaching and I'm rediscovering that whatever doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. It's funny how the things I spent such a long time resisting like attention-sapping 9th graders are nothing but energy waves that I don't have to attach any meaning to. They are not the problem. If I'm resisting his smart mouth and say to myself, "This shouldn't be happening. He should be able to sit there quietly so that I can have an easy time," then what is it in me that wants things to be my way so that I can be happy? And would that even make me happy? I had plenty of classes with no one disturbing my peace and yet I found myself being disturbed for no reason at all.

Any resistance only reaffirms that peace and happiness really is a state of mind or rather a state of no mind.

The Practice

5:45 AM meditation - 10 minutes
Evening meditation - 30 minutes

Reflection

Sitting in the evenings after a long day challenges me to stay focused. The point of reference sort of becomes fuzzy and I have to remind myself to count breaths to bring me back to the present. But once I do, a new kind of alertness shines through and then a smile forms inside of me, not even on my lips, at some point during the sit.

The gaps between thought and no-thought have been becoming longer and deeper. I find myself being pulled into that timeless state more and more. It has also become easier to spot the portals. By portals, I mean catching the bird's song outside my window or zoning in on the stillness within and staying with it.

Day 27

As I was going to bed last night, I was having all these realizations that I could not put into words. It was an inner knowing of everything being exactly where it should be and Life moving me in the only possible direction that I could be going at this point in time.

In moments of doubt, I worry that I should already know where I'm going and where my career path lies. And that I should pick something stable and stick to it. But what does that even mean? Many people pick a stable job and end up losing it or getting fired or leaving or work in the same field for many years and then wonder what it was all for.  I'm realizing that we never know where we're going even when we think we do.

I find that watching my day progress, especially so-called stressful ones, is like watching a movie, I'm curious about what's going to happen next, but I know that it's just a movie so I don't get totally lost in it.

The Practice

5:50 AM meditation - 10 minutes
Yoga after work - 30 minutes
Evening meditation - 30 minutes

Reflection

Even sitting for ten minutes in the morning helps settle the mind. Many expert meditators might say that I should get up earlier and sit longer, but really - you could be sitting for hours and be present for only 10 minutes of it or you could sit for 10 minutes and be present for the entire time. Time is irrelevant in the overall scheme of things, then why would it be any different in meditation.

Day 26

I got a good taste of what it's like to be a real teacher on my first day. It was a multi-tasking extravaganza, especially if you had no idea what classes you were going to teach until the day of, if you did not have the summer to prepare and work on the lesson plan, if you were not familiar with the state standards, and you had four different subjects to teach. Somehow, through the help of two teachers, three administrators, and three years of experience as a sub of winging it, I got through the day without anybody getting hurt and by anybody, I mean, me.

A wonderful thing happened after I got home. I felt like going for a walk, even though I've been on my feet all day. On my walk, I saw a humming bird. I watched it fly in front of my face for a few seconds and suddenly all the stresses of the day flew away along with the humming bird. For the next twenty or so minutes, I was in paradise. Thoughts tried to take me away, but they went as quickly as they came. Every time another thought tried to pull me in, a smile formed on my lips like the kind you get when a child fake cries and you can see right through him or her. The walk itself drew me in deeper and the thoughts became fainter and fainter.

Afterwards, I had to do a bit of research for this elective humanity class I have no clue about and I breathed right through it.

The Practice

5:50 AM meditation - 10 minutes
Light walk - 20 minutes
Evening meditation - 25 minutes

Reflection

As I was going through my day, I continuously kept coming back to the present moment and the task at hand. There was no other way around it. If I didn't, I'd probably say "screw this" and go home. I reminded myself that I didn't have to plan for the next day right now, all I had to do was this one thing that was necessary at this moment. And everything that I needed presented itself the moment I needed it. I made just enough copies at the appropriate time. I had just the right person to show me where I had to go to get what I needed. I talked to just the right people. I had just enough time for introductions and the rest of it.

When allowed, life takes over and you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

Day 25

I was at the Zen Center yesterday and after Zazen or meditation, we were going to do a tree blessing ceremony. I was standing in the courtyard and my body began to move me toward my car. Just like what Adyashnti was talking about with the leaf  being blown in a particular direction. I felt this obligation to stay for the ceremony; yet, my body wanted to go and so I went. I ended up doing the shopping I needed and preparing for the next day as I'm starting my first day of my long-term sub job today. I knew that it was exactly what I needed to do.

Our bodies are good guides when it comes to direction.

The Practice

Zazen at ZCLA - 1 hour, 20 minutes
Face to face with a teacher
Power Yoga - 40 minutes
Evening meditation - 25 minutes

Reflection

"What does my body wants to do?" seems like a good question to ask when I'm in doubt. The mind might have all sorts of resistances, but the body already knows what's good for it and where it wants to go. We tend to believe that our minds are the supreme intelligence when in fact it's just a small portion. When we get stuck on a thought, our bodies immediately manifest tightness or anxiety as if it's saying, "Let it go, you're not letting me breathe."

Day 24

I went to Peter Brown's Satsang yesterday. He doesn't call himself a spiritual teacher. He just knows himself and everything, to be the absolute. You can read more about him and listen to him on his website www.theopendoorway.org. I told him about my coffee shop experience and having been in reality or the realized state for several minutes; although, we're in it all the time, and his advice to me was to keep coming back to it whenever I can or remember, play with it, and don't condemn myself for so called "losing it."

He used the jail cell as an analogy to describe the awakening process. We all live in this jail cell. Most of us are comfortable in it because we know where the bed is, we know where the toilet is, and we get our three meals a day. The jail door is slightly ajar, but we don't want to leave the comforts of what we know, so most of us spend our lives inside the four walls. Then, there are those of us, either due to suffering or mere curiosity start to see that there's more to it and start lurking around the jail door. And little by little, we start peeking outside. Some of us find it to be too much and pull back, some are thrusted forward with full force, and some of us keep peeking out for years until we finally trust ourselves enough to walk out.

I asked him, "what about those of us who are not comforted by the jail any more, but can't seem to take the leap of faith forward?" as in my case. He called it the "integration process," the most dicy part in walking out of jail. He recommended that those of us integrating to go easy and start with touching the floor outside the cell, then take one foot out, and maybe another, and so on.

Last night, somewhere between a dream and reality, my heart began racing and I felt like I couldn't hold on. There was nothing to hold on to - not my bed, not my self-knowledge, not my family, not my experiences, nothing. But something inside of me knew that if I just let go, then I'll be fine. Instead, I woke up and went to the bathroom.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Morning jog - 20 minutes
Peter Brown Satsang - 4 hours

Reflection

We can't "do" anything about our experiences. We can only be in them or more accurately, be them. Letting go of old conditioning and attachments can be a tiny step at a time process. "You don't have to terrify yourself," as Peter suggested to me and others. And what is this so-called process? It's as simple as being here now. Taking a breather from the chattering of the mind, telling it to go play, while you watch what's actually happening in reality. How do you do that? By sitting and listening to the beat of your own heart or the bird outside your window. By looking at a glass of water without labeling it or telling stories about it. By being with an animal and again, without stories. For how long, you may ask? As long as you want.

Day 23

I was sitting at a coffee shop yesterday and words might not do it justice, but I spread my awareness to include everything and everyone in my field of vision. I didn't label anything, I didn't create stories around anything, I didn't zone in on any one thing in particular. I just watched. Within seconds of watching, I saw reality as it really is before thought. It's quiet. And the thoughts are always one second behind reality. I could feel my thoughts trying to pull me back in. It's a very needy pull. Getting pulled into them and most importantly getting stuck in them is what causes the suffering and discomfort. I stayed with my breath. I kept some of that spacious awareness or rather it stayed within me while I proceeded to do things.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 30 minutes

Reflection

For the past two meditations, I sat in a Burmese position with both of my legs in front of me, not on top of each other. Both times my legs fell asleep and I had to take a minute to bring them back to life before standing up. Needless to say, I don't enjoy that position, at least not yet. Using the meditation bench has been by far the best method for sitting.

The easier the sitting becomes, the more alert I have to be of the mind. When I first started sitting, it was all about the physicality of the body and that's where the focus was. Now, staying with the breath and observing arising thoughts is becoming of crucial importance. Because what ends up happening is that once the body is comfortable, the mind relaxes and I tend to go to fantasy land. It's harder to be alert of excessive thinking when the fantasies are pleasant; nonetheless, they are still fantasies. And where there is a fantasy, there's a nightmare waiting just around the corner.