Day 72

I rather enjoyed being a part of a family argument today. It was like I wasn't even there. Before I would try and pretend that I'm not there, but I find that I don't have to pretend anything. Arguments are  vibrational frequencies that are here one moment and gone the next. I watched as this hot energy ball was being tossed around between my mother, my father, and my sister, but nothing at all was out of bounce. It couldn't have been any other way. The scene played out perfectly. My mother reacted in the only way she could. My father retorted the way my father does. My sister counteracted the reactions that were presented to her. Meanwhile, nothing at all was amiss. Nothing at all was out of tune. And I was there too. I too played my part. But the witness was also there. Not just in me, but in all of us - the one witness who is both the reactor and the reactee, the watcher and the watched, the human and the being.


The Practice

Thursday morning - 15 minute meditation
Thursday evening - 40 minute meditation and Dharma talk @ Insight LA
Friday morning - 15 minute meditation
Friday evening - Relational Mindfulness class
Saturday morning - 30 minute meditation and 1 hour Yoga at the park


Reflection

I'm drawn to be outside more and more. I crave it. I'm being called to merge with the grass, the sand, and the sky. Doing yoga outside this morning was immeasurably sweet. It didn't matter if my body didn't exactly bend like a pretzel because whatever it was doing was just enough.

Day 69

Where is home? Who is home? And who am I in relation to it all? How much can I include in my heart? How many people can I invite into it before I realize that it can hold the entire universe?

The Practice

Tuesday morning - 15 minute meditation
Tuesday evening - Byron Katie's "The Work" (3 hours)
Wednesday morning - 30 minute meditation

Reflection

I decided to put one of my habitual thoughts to the test yesterday during "The Work." If you're not familiar with the work, it's basically a process of self-inquiry where you look at each thought by asking four questions:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?
And then, you turn it around. Once you find the turn around that fits, then you find three genuine examples of how each turnaround is true in your life.

I tried doing the work on my own before and for some reason I felt that the "work" didn't work for me. And even last night, with the facilitator there, I was doubtful whether I would find the core issue to a habitual thought pattern. At first, I didn't even know what to write about until I heard, "I don't want to go home." I asked to go first as I have never been facilitated in this process before and wanted the most genuine experience. And I got exactly what I asked for, plus some...

Arising from "I don't want to go home" came the thought, "I shouldn't be living at home" to "It's too expensive to move out" to "I shouldn't be depending on other people" to "My parents are too distracted"  to "They can't handle my authenticity" to turning all those statements around to "I should be living at home" to "I can't handle my parents' authenticity" to breaking down bawling only to discover that the reason I'm living at home is because I love my parents.

This is by far the shorter version of what transpired yesterday. And I've skipped hours of confusion and turn arounds that led to the revelations. I realized that asking the right questions at the right time leads to inevitable revelations.

Day 67

I'm sitting in my room and listening to the sound of life. It's a whooshing sound. It's a buzzing and the vibrating aliveness. It's all the classic novels written simultaneously.

The Practice

Sunday   9:30 to 12:30 PM Chan meditation and talk
               2:30 to 4:15 PM Satsang with John Sherman

Monday  8:15 to 8:45 AM Zazen meditation

Reflection

John asked, "What does it feel like being you?"
The moment he asked that question, I was "myself." And not me, Marina, with a name and history, but rather the space where the entity Marina lives. My heart started beating fast as if I was losing myself and of course, I was.
I asked him, "How do I stop holding on?"
He answered, "Don't worry about holding on or letting go. Just look at yourself. Just see."
A woman sitting to my left asked if her worry would go away with seeing herself. John answered, "The worry about the worry would go away." I knew instantly what he meant; although I couldn't clarify it further. "There's nothing wrong with worry. There's nothing wrong with feeling the weight of responsibility. It's the worry about the worry. It's the story that goes with feeling responsible that causes suffering." It was yet another confirmation that experience is a matter of sensation. Later in the evening, I was listening to one of my favorite songs saying the same thing. The line goes, "Pain... I guess it's a matter of sensation, but somehow, you have a way of avoiding it all"(Revenge by Danger Mouse & Sparklehorse).

Day 66

One breath and a cup of tea

When I find myself confused, clarity is just one breath away
To be clearer, the breath is never away it's always here
Within me, as me, breathing me

When I find myself too far gone, a cup of tea can bring me home
Wherever I am I find a home
Home at the coffee shop; home in the classroom, home within me

With just one breath and a sip of tea
Low and behold, I am free...

The Practice

None

Reflection

I did not feel like doing a formal meditation yesterday. And it wasn't like I was resisting it because usually that's a direct indication that I should sit down, but more of a spontaneous non-decision. I had a peaceful day too. I ended my mental stories mid-thought. I didn't go on emotional roller coasters. I was enjoying what each moment brought.

I don't know what today will bring, but I do know that expecting it to be just like yesterday is a set up for  disappointment. Without the baggage of what was yesterday, we're free to experience the newness of today.

Day 64

I did not feel like going home after work today. It helps to break patterns to mess with the head. Another pattern I've been breaking is stopping believing in emotional turnovers. Emotions are here to be felt not avoided, feared, or dealt with. There is nothing I can do about them because there's nothing I'm supposed to do about them. They're here to be experienced. It may sound like common sense, but how many times a day do we "do something" so that we don't feel bored or we turn on the music so that we don't feel alone or reach for the phone so that we don't feel confused about our being here.

I've been letting my emotions be even if they're nothing but minor discomforts or annoyances. Do you know which ones I'm talking about? Those funky feelings that you can't pinpoint or blame on anger, sadness or fear. When felt deeply, the funk does seem be coming from anger, sadness, or fear, but if felt even more deeply, they just go away as if there was nothing there. Technically, there is nothing there, but I'm speaking from the emotional point of view.

And so... here I am, at Silverlake Coffee, feeling...


The Practice

Thursday evening - 40 minute meditation and 1 hour Dharma talk
Friday morning - 15 minute meditation

Reflection

"How do you know when you're ready to be a teacher?" Asked the teacher at yesterday's Dharma talk, "when you begin to disappear."

I ask myself how much of the self I'm still holding on to. I suppose that anything that I still believe to be true about what I think is yet to be revealed. For the past few years, pieces of the self or the ego have been chipping away. Mostly, it has been a spontaneous chipping away. There goes that piece and there goes this piece. I'm not sure if chunks have dropped off. Overall, the pieces have accumulated into chunks.

If everything we think is true disappears, then what's left?

"The breath," said the teacher. "Coming back to the breath is coming back to stability."

It's true. It's about the only thing I know is true.

Day 62

I watched my cat Mia yesterday evening for about an hour. First, she meowed a few times as if she wanted something, then she licked herself for several minutes, then she heard something and her ears perked up in the direction where the sound was coming from, then she continued cleaning herself, then she looked at me and meowed again, then she walked over to her water dish, drank, and then came back and sat, waiting. It was so apparent that every move she made or didn't make was spontaneous and unguarded. She did not choose to go there or here, she just went. She was not in conflict about licking herself or not licking herself, she just did. And when she was done cleaning, eating, drinking, meowing, or playing, then she would just sit there looking wherever she felt inclined to look for however long before another flow of activity would start.

Why am I talking about my cat Mia? It's easy to see where we go astray in our own so-called stressful lives if we take the time to take a good look at animal behavior. There is no agenda, inner conflict, or complicated decision-making process in animal life. The first counter-argument to explain their behavior would be that they don't have the mental capacity to create problems and that's true. However, after being in meditation both on and off the mediation bench, it becomes obvious that we too would not create problems and be one with the ebb and flow of life if we did not adhere to everything our mind tells us.  Adyashanti confirms this in his book, The End of Your World, when he writes about his own awakening experience, "As the light of awakening starts to penetrate on the level of mind, we see that mind has no inherent reality to it. It's a tool that reality can use, but it's not reality."

The Practice

Monday evening - 35 minutes of Zazen at ZCLA
Tuesday morning - 10 minutes on the meditation bench
Wednesday morning - 30 minutes on the meditation bench

Reflection

For the past few days, I've been having this frontal lobe headache. I know it has something to do with the weather, but I don't delve into the reason too much. The discomfort is just there. I find that including the headache in the rest of my experience of seeing, hearing, feeling, breathing, listening, working, reading, eating, etcetera, instead of focusing on it as this isolated event, turns the headache into a fuzzy tingling sensation. I'm no longer carrying this heavy load inside my frontal lobe as I used to whenever I had those type of headaches.

Emotional loads tend to work the same way. If I include them in the rest of my experience instead of focusing on them or trying to avoid them at all cost, they sort of disperse in the rest of the body and the load becomes much lighter. Don't take my word for it; see if it works for you.

Day 60

It was a rainy, dreary afternoon at my great aunt's memorial service and I'm not talking about the weather. My immediate and extended family gathered around the tombstone praying and hoping that no other such tragedy would strike again. I wondered how they could possibly believe that to be true standing there amidst the sea of graves. Even being inside the obviousness of it all, somehow we still convince ourselves that reality of life is not real and if we continue to resist the inevitable a little bit longer than maybe we'll be spared.

The mind does sure know how to keep itself holding on to illusion, but I find that with every losing battle, the concepts of who we think we are slowly, but surely start to dissolve. And suddenly the only real death becomes the death of the concepts because reality itself does not go anywhere.

Meditation

The morning sit - 35 minutes

Reflection


I don't have to figure anything out. It's such a relief to really know that. I don't have to do anything about anything. I used to be so afraid that if I don't think about all the options of a given situation that it won't resolve itself, but it's quite the opposite. I'm more stuck in a situation when I continue thinking about it.

The other day I was about to go on another "fix-it" trip and then I said to myself and not I, Marina, but the one who observes everything, "I don't have to think about this" and as if someone turned on the light switch, I smiled to myself.

 

Day 58

I woke up this morning with a dreadful feeling of aloneness. And when I say aloneness, I don't mean loneliness. It's more like a knowing or a feeling that there's nothing and no one out there. No matter where I go and who I meet, I keep bumping into the reflection of my self.

I got up slowly, went through my morning routine just as slowly, and made myself some tea. I didn't engage in the "am I really alone?" mental work. I stayed with the sensations of "aloneness." It didn't take long for the sensations to change to OKness. I decided right then that I was going to go to the Zen Center this morning.

Soon after, the mind went into its planning mode. "What am I going to do after the Zen Center?" As soon as that thought entered my mind, worry returned. I stayed with the worry sensation and that too turned into OKness.

 The Practice

Meditation with Eckhart Tolle - 20 minutes
Cardio - 30 minutes

Reflection

I haven't been to the Zen Center in over a week and I have to say that I'm itching to go. Although, I have been sitting consistently for at least 10 minutes a day, there's something about sitting longer with other people around you that feels more grounding.

Day 57

I took a day off today to recharge. So, I'm going to make this short. My body and mind have gotten used to consistent work and they're like, "you should be working or taking advantage of this time to do something productive." I remember Adyashanti or whoever saying that whatever goes away when you're not thinking is not real. And this anxious need to fill my time with something is not real.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 10 minutes

Reflection

Tapping into the environment around me is extremely helpful to get out of the head. And that includes everything: the clanking of the dishes, the argument in the building across the street, the doors slamming, the sound of my own breath.

Day 55

My morning blogging has shifted into evening blogging. Watch... now that I said that, it will shift to morning again. Isn't it how everything is? We make a definite statement about something and the next thing you know, you're shown its contradiction.

I really enjoyed my day at school today. I had challenging classes too. But there was something about overcoming these challenges or rather forming a relationship with them that proved to be fun. The teacher comes in to class today and tells me that the Internet doesn't work, so I would have to walk across campus to get the rosters. Then, he goes on to semi-explain what the first two classes are doing pointing to a cheat sheet that I peripherally notice as he's talking. He comes up with a lesson plan for 6th period on the spot, not sure that his class would really respond to it, but leaving it up to me to do with what I can. He makes a few other comments about how this and that doesn't really work, but he has to go, he adds, "I'm sorry," and leaves. There's no teacher's desk in the room and barely any supplies. I smile and nod and proceed to walk back to the main office where I have to change my room key as I was given the wrong one, get the rosters, get the materials from the teacher's mail box, and go back to the room to give out the summons for the PSAT testing by 7:55 AM.

As I went through the day supervising one large group of students after another seeing how they would not stay on task otherwise, I had an insight: every job has built-in challenges for variety and enjoyment. Whether that's true for you, you have to test for yourself. I can't speak for tomorrow, but today it was true for me.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 10 minutes
Informal meditation consisting of staring at a tree outside - 15 minutes

Reflection

The mind likes to create stories and images with anything that it can get its hands on. I read recently in the "Way of the Peaceful Warrior" that the first task in meditation is to notice the fleeting nature of our thoughts and the second is to let them go. I noticed that there's a moment of choice almost when we can decide to latch on to the story or let it go. But the moment leaves with the slight of hand. It has become easier to go the other way. For lack of better words, the power of awareness is growing.

Day 54

We can see what IS when we stop looking to our mind to tell us what is true.  - Adyashanti

Today, during the staff meeting at Eagle Rock High School where I sub most often, I found myself in another timeless reality. It was as if I was a ghost watching how the other side lives; yet, I was on the same side. There was no judgment or analysis of what I was observing. It was simple observation without the mental commentary.

The teachers were giving presentations on their subject and how to improve upon it; whilst, I had a distinct feeling that everything was already part of the flawless design.

The subs were allowed to leave at 3:12 pm on the dot. I didn't see anybody move and usually, I would've waited for another person to go first as to not bring attention to myself, but that thought did not even cross my mind, I got up and left.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 15 minutes
Evening meditation - 15 minutes

Reflection

I've been getting over a cold these past couple of days and sitting in a specific position has been slightly more challenging. However, being grounded in my body has not been difficult. It's as if the illness has grabbed me by the collar and shouted in my ear, "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" How else can the body that needs rest get attention from the mind?

And I thought I was doing pretty good with the yoga, meditation, and drinking tea all the time. It just shows you that what actually IS has nothing to do with how the mind thinks it should be. Life does its thing regardless, and we can have all sorts of ideas about how our bodies should be run, but the fact remains that they run themselves.

Day 53

It has become that much more apparent that the world of form consists of nothing but endings. Before the movie begins it's already over. Before the cold starts, we're already healed. Before we sit down to eat, we've already finished.

When you begin to look at endings, it's sort of disheartening; and yet, when you look deeper, there's something that allows all endings to be and THAT which allows it does NOT end. What is THAT?

The Practice

Laying on my back, staring at the ceiling in meditation - 20 minutes

Reflection

Who says that meditation can only happen when you sit? However, it does take to be grounded in stillness in order to lie on your back, stare at the ceiling, and not fall asleep. I had a temperature yesterday  and laying down was the only way I could meditate. I found that my focus shifted more, but I also went deeper at certain times as the position was more relaxing than sitting upright. There's more openness that comes with relaxation.

Day 51

I find that acknowledging teenagers' presence lifts a layer of antagonism from the teacher/ student relationship. Simply by looking into their eyes and really SEEING them creates an invisible bond. I was actually invited to a football game by one of the students yesterday. A sense of camaraderie developed from relating to another human being on a deeper level.

I catch myself avoiding people's eyes when I'm brooding or lost in some story. But the catching itself is waking up from that hazy dream. There is a sense of relief when I know that I've been brooding and that I don't have to. I can look at another person's eyes and feel connected once again. 

The Practice

Morning meditation - 15 minutes

Yoga - 30 minutes

Evening meditation - 30 minutes

Reflection

I chose to prolong my meditation and blogging in the morning at the expense of being late to work and I ended up coming to work at the same time I always do. Isn't that interesting? I'm realizing more and more how elusive time is. 

Day 50

Pinning down habitual thoughts breaks down identification with them.

Yesterday in class, while the students were taking their Algebra I test, I had another one of my habitual thoughts, "I need to be writing right now." I actually heard the thought, as in "outside" of me and I didn't follow it. I wanted to see what would happen if I didn't automatically get on that train. I heard other thoughts calling me like "You can investigate this later like after school when you have more free and alone time. Take advantage of the quiet to do some story work." The dis-identified part of me or the watcher; although there are no different parts, but there's no other way to explain it, was stronger and it was pulling me home. In that world, the thoughts are not hindering, they are nothing but squirmy children in the playground that you let be.

In that moment of not following that next thought, I was suddenly there in the present. The students became even quieter than before. I was walking around the room and actually being in the room. When I looked students in the eye, I recognized myself in them. I rested in that place of no-thought. Thoughts were still going on, but I was not taking the ride with them.

The Practice 

Morning meditation - 15 minutes
Evening meditation and the talk on Mindfulness at Insight LA - 1 hour and 30 minutes

Reflection

The teacher at Insight LA did a more guided meditation and I found myself wanting her to stop talking so I could just be. Every time I would settle into stillness, she'd say something else. On the one hand, her talking was just another thing arising in the present moment; on the other hand, I could've gone to the Zen Center and wouldn't have had someone interrupting the focus. Then, I thought, "well, isn't life full of interruptions?" And so I settled into the moment and let it be.

Then again, during the talk on Mindfulness, every time she would say the word "mindfulness" it would take me to the mind versus quieting it. I wanted to raise my hand and ask her if "mindfulness" was indeed the best word to use to point to the stillness within. I did end up saying something, but it had nothing to do with what I really wanted to ask and I let it go.

On the drive home, I made two conclusions: mindfulness meditation doesn't work for me and I was judging the experience.

Day 49

The moment you become accustomed to the way things are, everything changes.


The Practice

Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Yoga - 30 minutes
Evening meditation and class at a new place- 1 hour and 20 minutes

Reflection

Going to new places to meditate really wigs out the mind. The mind habituates to old places very quickly. "Oh, I know this cushion. I know that window. I'm home." Whenever it's at a new place, it goes, "Do I feel comfortable here? Do they know what they're doing? Will I come back again?" And then I settled, opening up my heart and mind. It was even easier to see how much time I spend in my head versus here in reality. And then I was in reality.

The change in perspective was immediately followed by "who am I?" The question is always lurking in the background, not wanting to be answered, but played with and known.

Day 48

"It's the insufficiency that's doing the search. It's the insufficiency that's striving for anything. But it's not the insufficiency that wakes up." - Adyashanti

I came face-to-face with that truth yesterday when I went to the coffee shop to write. I haven't been able to write consistently for the past month and so when I had a good two in a half hour session, I thought that would make me feel good, as in, "I've done enough." Low and behold, it did not feel like it. The more I wrote, the more I felt like I needed to keep writing. It felt like enough for a moment and then that sense of insufficiency came in and said, "What about all those times you did not write? And there are still a few hours left in the day, you can use them to continue writing and then you'll feel like you've done enough. And don't forget that you have to keep doing this every day from now on so that you don't fall behind again."

I didn't continue writing because something inside of me already knew that I was not going to get the feeling of "enoughness" through it. Instead, I listened to Peter Brown's sat-sang online.

Whatever it is we're striving for doesn't usually come from a place of fullness. Because when it does come from a place of fullness, we do whatever we do for sake of doing it, not the results we wish it will produce for us. And there's a qualitative difference between the two. It doesn't mean that we should stop doing whatever it is we do, but just become aware of where the motivation for doing it is coming from. For me, it has become difficult to keep up the climb when I know there's no destination to get to. If the climb is done for its own sake, then it is joyful and enough.

Whenever I feel myself running in place, I have to stop and center myself because there's nowhere to go.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Hiking - 40 minutes
Peter Brown Sat-Sang online - 1 hour

Reflection

I'm realizing that people meditate to see whatever it is they're running from. It may be an old pain, insufficiency, the fear of the unknown, etcetera. I've been noticing all of that and more as I continue sitting and looking. Whenever I feel a pang of discomfort in my chest, my first, immediate reaction is to mask it. "No, I didn't just feel that. Let's see, what do I feel like eating?" Whenever I don't run away from it and sit with the pang, feeling it vibrating and churning, it's not as bad as my mind made it out to be. It usually just goes away by simply putting my attention on it.

Whatever it is that we don't want to feel is actually our ally.

Day 47

I woke up one morning and decided that I want an iPhone. I've had my blackberry pearl for over three years. I didn't get the iPhone bug during the hype with everyone else until now. Another indication that we each go at our own pace. But that's not even the point of the story.

Yesterday, I called AT&T to double check that I'm eligible for an upgrade as I knew I would be since it had been way over two years. Instead, I got another lesson on "don't assume anything." The representative informed me that I wouldn't be eligible until June of next year as I have already had an upgrade to a Nokia phone in October of last year. I spent an hour on the phone with her convincing her that I did not order the Nokia phone. I asked her to look at my phone history. She called and double checked with everyone she knew on her end and still she kept repeating the same two lines over and over that the order was placed and that I'm not eligible for the discounted upgrade until June, but I could pay the full price and get the phone now if I wanted to. Having known people who counted down the days until they were eligible for an upgrade to get the iPhone, I was not willing to wait another nine months when I was already a year and three months overdue on upgrading. I was convinced that someone hacked into my account and I demanded that the situation be resolved. She assigned me a case number and that was it.

When I hung up the phone, I decided to call my mother and ask her, just in case, if anyone in the family ordered a phone off of my number and contract, as my family and I belong to the same family plan. After building a case for myself with the AT&T representative for an hour, I come to find out that a phone indeed was ordered last October for my father. My mom told me not to worry because I could get an upgrade off of her phone number and simply put my chip into the new phone. I've calmed down at this point as I've burned all my fuel with the lady on the phone and I asked my mother to please inform me of these sort of things the next time and left it at that.

In retrospect, I realized that I was not in breath-awareness. Although, I was not as upset as I could've been, during that short period of time when I thought I was not going to get what I believed was fair, I turned into this "small self," as they say in Zen Buddhism, and switched on the desperate, helpless channel of "do something, I'm not getting what I deserve." The channel was not turned on for long, but it did snap me back to reality and reminded me that as long as "I want, I don't want" is manifesting, the channel will keep turning on.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 15 minutes
Peter Brown discussion group with my friend Nancy - 3 hours

Reflection

I keep noticing my mind wanting to worry about this thing or that. The thoughts that tend to pass are "I could do that," "Should I do this instead?" "That didn't feel good last time," "Maybe I should do more of this because it felt better," "What's going to happen?" Then, it kicks into planning mode: "first, I'm going to sit here for however long, then I'm going to write the post, then have breakfast...." Then, I wake up and go back to my breath.

Overall, it has become easier and quicker to get back to right here, right now verses the fantasyland in my head. The more I notice when I'm in my head, the easier it is to notice when I'm in my head. The noticing perpetuates itself.

Day 46

I don't feel very well right now. I'd rather go back to sleep. And I've already had over eight hours of sleep last night. I'm going to get some tea.

The Practice

Morning Zazen - 1 hour and 20 minutes
Dharma Talk by Roshi - 1 hour and 15 minutes

Reflection

The talk yesterday was about "thinking non-thinking." It's impossible and unnecessary to try and stop thinking. The practice of sitting is about watching what the mind does rather than prevent it from doing what it does. It's going to do it anyway and to fight it is futile. It's about noticing the different beliefs we have about ourselves. It's not about the content of thought. It's about the awareness that there is content. The content itself doesn't matter. We tend to believe that certain thoughts are more important than others or more insightful, but awareness itself doesn't care about our insightful thoughts, it just wants to be aware of itself.

Day 45

I've been eating so much carbs this week you'd think I'm storing for winter. But I'm going with it because apparently that's what my body wants at this time.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Yoga at the park - 1 hour

Reflection

I had a very militant yoga teacher yesterday. "Up...down...up....down. Down dog. Up dog." I went at my own pace and had an amazing session. Even as everyone was standing up and I was still in the down dog position, I was exactly where I was supposed to be - going with my own flow. I didn't get caught up in the "I should already be in this position or that one."

It feels like thinking is becoming more of a choice than an involuntary response. Although, thinking does simply happen. It's our identification with any thought in particular that causes suffering. Some of you might be reading this and saying, "I'm not suffering from thinking. I rather enjoy it. And it's useful." What I'm talking about here is that subtle background feeling of discomfort or trying to get somewhere, but never getting there. For most people, it's still a normal way of life. It's hard to tell that you're suffering when means of escape still work like happy hour, television, social events, work, family drama, busyness, the next vacation, etcetera.

It's when they stop working, you get this "Uh-oh" sensation in the pit of your stomach and then you're forced to stare your suffering in the face. But why wait until that happens. Stop and feel when irritation arises. Stop and feel when anxiety arises. Stop and feel when boredom arises. Stop and feel when the feeling of "something is wrong" or "this is not enough" arises. Just stop and feel.

I'm doing the same with food at this time. Who's hungry me or my mind?

Day 44

It's interesting to observe what connects people. I've befriended three people, two women and one man in their fifties, simply because the four of us are going through a similar awakening experience. We're drawn to the same teachers. We're noticing the same phenomena. We communicate in the same language. We can simply look at one another and know what the other is saying, trying to say, or doesn't need to say.

Every week or so we go to dinner and share our experiences, provide insights, and discuss the "undiscussable." I couldn't have asked for a better support group. They are the family I've always wanted. I love my family and they're a part of it all like everything else, but it's nice to have another family that I can connect with on another level.

Most of us consider our friends as family, but there is another kind of a family that we are connected to for reasons we do not know or understand. If there are such things as past lives, then these would be the people that have been here through each reincarnation with us. There's a recognition of oneness.

We went to dinner last night and the similar thread this week has been "moving invisibility." If you look at any object long enough, you will start seeing it move or waver. And if you stay still long enough, other people will barely notice that you're there, it's as if you're becoming invisible.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 10 minutes

Reflection

It's very easy to make meditation into "just another thing I have to do" when we start to become habituated. I began using that time to really look. I don't close my eyes in meditation, I keep them half-open and out of focus. But even then, if the concentration is not there to really look, the mind will take over.

To look, outside the meditation, is just as helpful. Next time you're in the car sitting in traffic, look at the red light or the tree next to you or the asphalt, without naming what you're looking at or analyzing it. Really....LOOK!

Day 43

I'm back to day-to-day subbing and I love it. We sure do get exactly what we want. Sometimes it takes doing the opposite in order to see what's right here already.

I'm writing things and erasing them. Nothing seems to be sticking. I could talk about this that happened or that, but I don't feel the need. The one thing that does come up is talking to the sub yesterday at the office. He asked me if I was having a hard time getting jobs and I said no. He said, "you must be the super sub." I answered, "must be." But really, I'm not doing anything to get these jobs. I got a called yesterday from another school asking me to sub on Monday for a class that I enjoy going to. 

I've noticed that when I try to make something happen, it's usually an uphill battle, which doesn't necessarily produce results, but when I literally sit back and relax, then things just to tend to come. 

The Practice

Morning meditation - 10 minutes

Evening Zazen - 30 minutes

Personal practice talk with Dharma Joy at ZCLA - 1 hour

Reflection

I've been blogging every other day, but I'm still sitting every day. During my conference period yesterday, I sat staring at the door knob for several minutes. It's amazing to notice when looking at something long enough how fluid everything is. There's nothing you can look at out there that's solid. Absolutely everything is constantly moving and changing. How can we ever attach to any one thing or thought when they're nothing, but ever-moving particles of dust?