Day 47

I woke up one morning and decided that I want an iPhone. I've had my blackberry pearl for over three years. I didn't get the iPhone bug during the hype with everyone else until now. Another indication that we each go at our own pace. But that's not even the point of the story.

Yesterday, I called AT&T to double check that I'm eligible for an upgrade as I knew I would be since it had been way over two years. Instead, I got another lesson on "don't assume anything." The representative informed me that I wouldn't be eligible until June of next year as I have already had an upgrade to a Nokia phone in October of last year. I spent an hour on the phone with her convincing her that I did not order the Nokia phone. I asked her to look at my phone history. She called and double checked with everyone she knew on her end and still she kept repeating the same two lines over and over that the order was placed and that I'm not eligible for the discounted upgrade until June, but I could pay the full price and get the phone now if I wanted to. Having known people who counted down the days until they were eligible for an upgrade to get the iPhone, I was not willing to wait another nine months when I was already a year and three months overdue on upgrading. I was convinced that someone hacked into my account and I demanded that the situation be resolved. She assigned me a case number and that was it.

When I hung up the phone, I decided to call my mother and ask her, just in case, if anyone in the family ordered a phone off of my number and contract, as my family and I belong to the same family plan. After building a case for myself with the AT&T representative for an hour, I come to find out that a phone indeed was ordered last October for my father. My mom told me not to worry because I could get an upgrade off of her phone number and simply put my chip into the new phone. I've calmed down at this point as I've burned all my fuel with the lady on the phone and I asked my mother to please inform me of these sort of things the next time and left it at that.

In retrospect, I realized that I was not in breath-awareness. Although, I was not as upset as I could've been, during that short period of time when I thought I was not going to get what I believed was fair, I turned into this "small self," as they say in Zen Buddhism, and switched on the desperate, helpless channel of "do something, I'm not getting what I deserve." The channel was not turned on for long, but it did snap me back to reality and reminded me that as long as "I want, I don't want" is manifesting, the channel will keep turning on.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 15 minutes
Peter Brown discussion group with my friend Nancy - 3 hours

Reflection

I keep noticing my mind wanting to worry about this thing or that. The thoughts that tend to pass are "I could do that," "Should I do this instead?" "That didn't feel good last time," "Maybe I should do more of this because it felt better," "What's going to happen?" Then, it kicks into planning mode: "first, I'm going to sit here for however long, then I'm going to write the post, then have breakfast...." Then, I wake up and go back to my breath.

Overall, it has become easier and quicker to get back to right here, right now verses the fantasyland in my head. The more I notice when I'm in my head, the easier it is to notice when I'm in my head. The noticing perpetuates itself.