Day 186

You work on something for a long time. It's regimented. Requires discipline. But then, an idea comes that takes you away from the discipline you've so carefully regimented. And you do it briskly and it comes out fresher and on the mark with little or no effort.

Here's the crux. If it wasn't for the long regimented hours put towards unseemingly useless project, the relevant one, the one that is meant to be born wouldn't. Or it might have anyway and at least you've kept yourself busy while unknowingly waiting for it.

We don't know why we do the things we do. We don't know why we're drawn to certain things and not certain other things. We just don't know. But doing these things without knowing the reasons behind it is a breath of fresh air.

I've been starting several books at the same time and not finishing them right away. Then, I got a job covering for the same teacher for four days in a row. Unknowingly, there was a book there that I needed to read. I saw it in her class before about a year ago and I lit up wanting to read it. But I wasn't ready for it, so I put it back. Going back to her class after all these months, I once more noticed that same book. The first day I covered for her, I didn't want to have anything to do with it. On the second day, I knew I had to read it. And I read it in less than 24 hours in midst of other books waiting to be finished. Why? Who knows. Why now? Who knows. What did I get out of it? A direction.

The Practice

Daily Meditation - 20 minutes
Skipped - 3x
Adyashanti Intensive

Reflection


To be in the unknown is such a relief. I don't have to worry about knowing things in advance or the reasons behind them. I'm more inclined now to do things as they come up. I have started writing this post  several days ago and I've been adding to it, almost one sentence at a time. I kept wanting to post it that same day, but something inside me said, "hold on. you're not done." "But I have to post," my mind would yell at me. "This blog went from daily posting to bi-weekly to weekly and now it's been over a week," my mind would reason. "So what!" I'd hear from the distance. "You're just enjoying yourself."

Day 175

Thursday morning. People are hurrying to work. Not I. I'm sitting at the breakfast table having a cup of coffee with cheese and bread. My cat Mia is too not working, she's luxuriating on the chair next to mine. She's listening to the sounds of the birds. I can see her ears twitch and perk up with every chirp. She is not bored, not at all. I'm not either. In Finals week, sub work slows down. It feels nice to slow down. Natural. Some people might say that I haven't sped up enough to be slowing down already. Fortunately, last time I checked, I was the only policeman in town. I'm the only one who has the power to give out those types of tickets to myself.

The Practice

Daily Meditation - 20 minutes
Skipped - 1x
Adyashanti Live Radio - 1 hour

Reflection

I'm excited about something, but I can't tell what it is. My heart is beating fast. I keep wanting to move. And I will as soon as I finish this post. It's funny how these random emotional and physical states will pop up out of nowhere and then we feel like we have to justify them. "Oh, it's because I'm not working today. Or maybe it's because I get to go hiking. Or maybe it's because I'm going to see my boyfriend later." Or maybe, it's just because.

Wishing Everyone a reason-free Thursday!

Day 171

I feel like I'm only now starting to wake up. It feels like early morning when you're not sure yet whether you're really ready to get out of bed. You still feel sleepy. You close your eyes and try to go back to sleep. But something doesn't feel right. The body is itching to get up. So, you start to toss and turn trying to convince yourself that you're still tired, that it's not the right time. But the longer you stay in bed, the more uncomfortable you become. At which point, either something forces you to get up like the alarm clock telling you to go to work or some kind of an emergency, mostly something mundane like going to the bathroom. Or the resistance lifts by itself leaving you pondering why you wanted to stay in bed longer in the first place. In both cases you realize that laying in bed after you've crossed the threshold of laying there was unnecessary and getting up wasn't that big of a deal as your mind made it out to be.

That's what it's been like lately. Old conditioning is still trying to pull me back into bed, but there's enough awareness to trust that if I get up anyway that it'll be OK, better than OK, the unease will lift. Of course there are still times that I forget that I'm still in bed. And not until after I shower, dress, go to work, eat lunch that I realize that I haven't got up yet. When I do get up, though, I also realize that I was never in bed. That I was out and about the entire time.

It still feels like this back and forth. But I've been rubbing my eyes more. With each rub, I can see a little clearer.

The Practice

Daily Meditation - 20 minutes (Skipped 2X)
Exercise - 30 minutes, 3 times a week
Toltec teacher - Monday
Byron Katie's "The Work" - Tuesday evening
Adyashanti Live Radio - Wednesday evening

Reflection

Out of all my practices this week, Byron Katie's self-inquiry workshop and the nitty gritty emotionality of being in a relationship have moved me deeper into truth than anything else. The gems are in the gutter.

Day 164

I keep going back to this moment in childhood - it’s always there when I’m in place of innocence where problems don’t exist and nothing at all has to be done about anything because life is oh, so beautiful – I’m in Moldova, in our old house. My mother is in the kitchen washing clothes by hand. I’m outside. It’s a summer day, maybe late spring. I believe I’m still in kindergarten or first grade. I look at her through the window. She’s immersed in the household chore. I can’t remember my father being there or my older sister. It’s just my mother and I. I’m outside immersed in sunlight. I walk around the neighborhood. I don’t go far. I never wander far. I stay close enough in case I ever have to run I can make it home in time to be protected by my mother. I walk around and think that some day I too will be doing household chores. What happiness!

            To this day, I know that as long as that moment exists everything is fine.

 The Practice

Daily Meditation - 20 minutes

Skipped - 1 day

Refection

I have to say that skipping a day here and there does affect the overall mood and functioning. I'm happier - it's a precarious time. My days have been extremely fulfilling. Ironically, it's those fulfilling days that require the most alertness. It's very easy to get off meditation like getting off anti-depressant pills after years of taking them the moment life feels good. "I don't need this. I'm fine now." But there's also a reason why you should consult your doctor before making that decision. It's a slippery slope. "I don't have to take that personally because I know where it's coming from." But why is there hurt? If I'm being completely honest with myself here, then I'm walking a much more precarious rope than I bargained for.

I sat back on my meditation bench this morning and I knew that this is what I need. For how long? Who knows. Who cares. 

Day 162

Early morning. Can't sleep. Like my dad. Maybe it's not because I can't sleep. I've simply had enough. I'm not tired. I've had more energy lately. Today is the fifth day of work. I rarely have five-day work weeks. When I do, I usually meet myself on the other end exhausted. Instead, I have more energy. I've been on a once a week cycle with the blog. I suppose that's how it should be. It is.

My inbox is empty. All of them. My loose ends are at their designated places. I'm talking about the incomplete projects I've been organizing. There's more to do. I actually know what it is I have to do. Not so much a mist anymore, not so much the mystery. Does the world behind my blinds exist? Let's check. I open the blinds and there it is. I'm not sure where though.

A cup of coffee sounds good right now. I don't need it to keep me up. I'm up. The taste of it is calling me forth. My alarm will go off in five minutes. That's my cue to get coffee. Maybe tea. I'm hungry too. I have energy and I'm hungry. It's a new kind of morning. Cheese and toast sounds good. That's what us Russians eat for breakfast. And red caviar. Yes. In the morning.

The Practice

Daily Meditation - 20 minutes
Skipped - 3 days

Reflection

There's more room to skip formal meditation. I don't know where it came from or when. But room had been made. Is talking to my mom about investment not meditating? It certainly felt like it. I've been sitting quietly, not formally. Here comes the wake up call.

Wishing all of you an informal Friday!

Day 155

I've come unstuck. David Allen's Getting Things Done has shifted the way I approach my day now. I can play with whatever I want whenever I want without feeling guilty or stagnating. There really is a time and a place for everything. And as soon as these times and places are defined, the less I have to think about them. Within the confines of context, time, energy, and priority it's easy to see the only possible "next action" to take at any given time. Unknowingly, David Allen has put Eckhart Tolle's teachings of being here and now into action. Tolle speaks about taking the one step, the only possible step we can take at any given moment and Allen shows us how to do that.

This past week has flowed beautifully and I haven't worried about what I should be doing, what I could be doing, and whether what I'm doing is the right thing in the first place. And I've made progress, if there is such a thing. The truth of the matter is that we're only always capable of doing the only possible thing we can at any given time within our given resources, attention span, preferences, responsibilities, and so on that determine the thing we ultimately end up doing. But giving each of these things the space to play themselves out, even if it's a neurotic need to count numbers for no apparent reason, is cleansing. The reason it's so cleansing is because when the things that are on our minds are given attention for a designated time, then they're no longer on our minds. And if they're still lurking around, then we can simply remind ourselves, "I have a designated time for that and that's when we'll meet again." And everyone is happy.

I won't go into details of how the system works because you can read about it in David Allen's book. I can only speak for myself and so far a weight has lifted off my shoulders. But I have to give a little warning with my recommendation. Don't get caught up in the outcome of any activity. Do it for its own sake. We are not any one thing nor are we the things we do. We're all of that and none of that. At least that's what I've been discovering.

The Practice

Daily Meditation - 20 minutes
Skipped - 1 day

Reflection

I did not question nor did I feel guilty about skipping a day of formal meditation. I did not feel drawn to it nor did it seem necessary. On Tuesday, I covered a special Ed class and I experienced another spontaneous true meditation. I had to sit with these two boys who weren't doing their work and make sure that they were reading. I couldn't work on anything else. My job was to sit there and literally stare them down so that they felt obligated to read. After resistance brushed hands with me, I sat down.

Thoughts of what I could or should be doing besides sitting there did not cross my mind. The desire to get up and do anything at all other than sit there did not arise. I sat for indeterminate amount of time in total surrender, dropped into being. It was a kind of relaxation that could only be described as if every single problem that I've ever had or thought that I had completely left my psyche. It was just that. It was just the sitting. It was just these two students in front of me. When I helped them it was a still doing, spontaneous, compassionate, complete.

Day 147

I didn't go to work today. I didn't call to see if there was work today. I stayed in bed half an hour passed my usual wake up time of six in the morning. Working as a substitute teacher provides me the privilege of making these type of decisions on the go. I got up, meditated for twenty minutes, had breakfast, and read a short story. It was a lovely short story. Then I thought, my job makes sense when I use the spare time to write. How much of my spare time do I really use for writing? I asked myself. The answer is maybe two hours a day, not every day. What type of writer does that make me? Many books on writing would tell me that a "real writer" writes profusely all the time. If I'm not a real writer, what am I?

The question leads to me the same answer every time. I am regardless of what I do. It just so happens that things are done within the I amness that I am. Sometimes that amness looks like writing, in other times it looks like walking, in other times it looks like thinking, and yet at other times it looks like making love to my boyfriend, who I'm going to see later today.

Why question the pull that is already there? The question doesn't get answered anyway. And if it does, it's the explanation of the mind to make itself feel secure. "I got it. I know why I'm doing this. I have a peace of mind for at least as long as I don't think about who thought of it in the first place."

Many a time, it's still easier said then done. The mind still wants to control and comment on what's already happening. But the pulls are clearer and the unquestioned mind stays still longer.

The Practice

Morning Meditation - 20 minutes
Evening Meditation - 20 minutes
Wednesday Afternoon - Pilates

Reflection

I listened to one of Eckhart Tolle's old video recordings called, "To think or not to think." As I was listening, I was also doing other things like financial research on the Internet and by hand calculations. I noticed that I was not thinking about either activity. I was not thinking about what I was listening to and I was not thinking about what I was researching. I was just doing it. There was a quietness and peace within the amness that I am. A voice came in here and there and reminded me that I should be giving my full attention to the talk. Then I realized that it was another thought and disregarded it.

The more time I spend not paying attention to my thoughts, the more they try to come back with a vengeance. I can feel them gurgling inside of me waiting to vomit all over the place so that they could stand on the side lines watching me cleaning up the mess. Sometimes they win.

Day 145

The classroom of the day

I sit and wait
They'll be here in fifteen or so
The lesson plan is ready to go
My name is on the board
I'll be introducing myself for the first time
For the fiftieth first time

On rotation
Silent reading, computer lab, the story of the day
I'm the teacher of the day
In the classroom for today
"I'm sorry, I cannot stay.
I like to live my life this way."


The Practice

Daily Meditation:
Morning - 20 minutes
Evening - 20 minutes
Yoga - 2x week

Reflection


For the past week, I've been meditating with my eyes closed. They sort of began closing by themselves. I'm going with it. I'm dropping into my body more.

"Go to the neutral places," Peter Brown kept repeating in his last Satsang. Don't mind the chatter, he says. Look at things with no charge. Look at things with no meaning. Look at things that you would otherwise dismiss. The sky, the wall, the glass of water, the carpet, the banana peel, the tree...

I heard him say that many times before, but it's not until this week that I finally began to consistently look at things with no story for a prolong period of time. I stared at walls and ceilings. I listened to outside sounds while looking at things. I gave the mind chatter no significance. What I found was that the "voice in the head," as Ekchart Tolle likes to call it still wants to dominate. The good news is that it's louder now, which means that I can hear it instead of being it.

I'm bringing curiosity into unfamiliar territories. My heart began to flutter just now. What is that strange sensation? It stopped.

Day 141

For the past half an hour I've been doing everything except writing this post. I organized my table, my clothes, my room, even drawers I haven't touched in months. I had a plan this morning. I was going to go hiking, then I decided to workout at home, but didn't feel like doing that either. I also had a plan to write this post. I'm writing it, but this is not what I expected. Nothing real ever is, I suppose. I didn't question my unplanned movements this morning. They happened without asking me like the content of this post.

The Practice

Daily Meditation:
Morning - 20 minutes
Evening - 20 minutes

Reflection

I find myself cleaning and organizing more. Everything has to be just so. And I enjoy it. I enjoy having a place for everything and knowing exactly where it is.

Byron Katie says "Don't pretend yourself beyond your own evolution." Organizing at this time is part of my evolution; otherwise, it wouldn't be happening. My mind always tells me that I should go faster, finish projects, stories, etcetera faster. I'm realizing that I'm going at the exact pace I need to because that's the pace I go. Ironically, when I try to go faster, I end up going slower. I make a lot of movements, but they mostly happen in place. True movement is much slower, but it's continuously progressing. There's a deeper shift with slower movement, a true kind of change.

Day 138

When my mother asked me to help her deal with the itinerary for the trip she is going to take in May, I thought to myself, I have better things to do. But then, to no will power of my own, it dawned on me that  this is what is. It's like anything else, but it's taking the form of me calling a few numbers and talking to some people. I did just that and two hours later I was done. I took a walk that I needed in much the same way that a dog needs to shake the water off after a bath it did not want. The dog doesn't stand there thinking whether or not it should do that, it just does. It's a natural reaction.

I used to force myself to sit there and take it. "I shouldn't feel stressed out, so I'm going to sit here and feel even more stressed out." Of course, the thoughts are on the subconscious level. We just feel like crap and then wonder why or tell stories about it when the remedy is already right there in front of us. It can be just as easy as taking a walk.

The Practice

Daily Meditation - 20 to 30 minutes

Reflection

At times it feels like the awakening process is speeding up and at other times like it's slowing down and still at other times like I haven't progressed at all. Of course, this is not a linear process. All are relevant. I'm seeing the driving forces behind my movement in life more and more clearly and with bigger blows. I placed myself under the pressures of other people just so I could feel that I have a goal. The things that I genuinely want to do have nothing to do with these pressures. I may want to do the same things, but NOT as I'm being shoved off the train.

I'm not sure how many of you know what I'm talking about, but if you've ever resisted trying a new type of food and then one day against all odds, you've decided to try it anyway and low and behold you actually liked it, that's sort of what I'm talking about here. You resist feeling certain things like guilt or doubt and then one day you say, "what the hell, I'm going to feel what it feels like to feel guilty without acting out of guilt." You will find that it feels like nothing you thought it would. It actually doesn't kill you. If you stay with the sensation of guilt long enough, you come to find out that it was not based on anything significant and even if it was, the simple act of seeing it, releases you from its grip. This exercise, if you can call it that, comes with a warning, it may dissolve the guilt completely or it may not. This non-resistance may have to be felt over and over and over again. But it sure beats feeling the same old wretched feelings without a way out.