I feel like I'm only now starting to wake up. It feels like early morning when you're not sure yet whether you're really ready to get out of bed. You still feel sleepy. You close your eyes and try to go back to sleep. But something doesn't feel right. The body is itching to get up. So, you start to toss and turn trying to convince yourself that you're still tired, that it's not the right time. But the longer you stay in bed, the more uncomfortable you become. At which point, either something forces you to get up like the alarm clock telling you to go to work or some kind of an emergency, mostly something mundane like going to the bathroom. Or the resistance lifts by itself leaving you pondering why you wanted to stay in bed longer in the first place. In both cases you realize that laying in bed after you've crossed the threshold of laying there was unnecessary and getting up wasn't that big of a deal as your mind made it out to be.
That's what it's been like lately. Old conditioning is still trying to pull me back into bed, but there's enough awareness to trust that if I get up anyway that it'll be OK, better than OK, the unease will lift. Of course there are still times that I forget that I'm still in bed. And not until after I shower, dress, go to work, eat lunch that I realize that I haven't got up yet. When I do get up, though, I also realize that I was never in bed. That I was out and about the entire time.
It still feels like this back and forth. But I've been rubbing my eyes more. With each rub, I can see a little clearer.
The Practice
Daily Meditation - 20 minutes (Skipped 2X)
Exercise - 30 minutes, 3 times a week
Toltec teacher - Monday
Byron Katie's "The Work" - Tuesday evening
Adyashanti Live Radio - Wednesday evening
Reflection
Out of all my practices this week, Byron Katie's self-inquiry workshop and the nitty gritty emotionality of being in a relationship have moved me deeper into truth than anything else. The gems are in the gutter.
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