Day 186

You work on something for a long time. It's regimented. Requires discipline. But then, an idea comes that takes you away from the discipline you've so carefully regimented. And you do it briskly and it comes out fresher and on the mark with little or no effort.

Here's the crux. If it wasn't for the long regimented hours put towards unseemingly useless project, the relevant one, the one that is meant to be born wouldn't. Or it might have anyway and at least you've kept yourself busy while unknowingly waiting for it.

We don't know why we do the things we do. We don't know why we're drawn to certain things and not certain other things. We just don't know. But doing these things without knowing the reasons behind it is a breath of fresh air.

I've been starting several books at the same time and not finishing them right away. Then, I got a job covering for the same teacher for four days in a row. Unknowingly, there was a book there that I needed to read. I saw it in her class before about a year ago and I lit up wanting to read it. But I wasn't ready for it, so I put it back. Going back to her class after all these months, I once more noticed that same book. The first day I covered for her, I didn't want to have anything to do with it. On the second day, I knew I had to read it. And I read it in less than 24 hours in midst of other books waiting to be finished. Why? Who knows. Why now? Who knows. What did I get out of it? A direction.

The Practice

Daily Meditation - 20 minutes
Skipped - 3x
Adyashanti Intensive

Reflection


To be in the unknown is such a relief. I don't have to worry about knowing things in advance or the reasons behind them. I'm more inclined now to do things as they come up. I have started writing this post  several days ago and I've been adding to it, almost one sentence at a time. I kept wanting to post it that same day, but something inside me said, "hold on. you're not done." "But I have to post," my mind would yell at me. "This blog went from daily posting to bi-weekly to weekly and now it's been over a week," my mind would reason. "So what!" I'd hear from the distance. "You're just enjoying yourself."

Day 175

Thursday morning. People are hurrying to work. Not I. I'm sitting at the breakfast table having a cup of coffee with cheese and bread. My cat Mia is too not working, she's luxuriating on the chair next to mine. She's listening to the sounds of the birds. I can see her ears twitch and perk up with every chirp. She is not bored, not at all. I'm not either. In Finals week, sub work slows down. It feels nice to slow down. Natural. Some people might say that I haven't sped up enough to be slowing down already. Fortunately, last time I checked, I was the only policeman in town. I'm the only one who has the power to give out those types of tickets to myself.

The Practice

Daily Meditation - 20 minutes
Skipped - 1x
Adyashanti Live Radio - 1 hour

Reflection

I'm excited about something, but I can't tell what it is. My heart is beating fast. I keep wanting to move. And I will as soon as I finish this post. It's funny how these random emotional and physical states will pop up out of nowhere and then we feel like we have to justify them. "Oh, it's because I'm not working today. Or maybe it's because I get to go hiking. Or maybe it's because I'm going to see my boyfriend later." Or maybe, it's just because.

Wishing Everyone a reason-free Thursday!

Day 171

I feel like I'm only now starting to wake up. It feels like early morning when you're not sure yet whether you're really ready to get out of bed. You still feel sleepy. You close your eyes and try to go back to sleep. But something doesn't feel right. The body is itching to get up. So, you start to toss and turn trying to convince yourself that you're still tired, that it's not the right time. But the longer you stay in bed, the more uncomfortable you become. At which point, either something forces you to get up like the alarm clock telling you to go to work or some kind of an emergency, mostly something mundane like going to the bathroom. Or the resistance lifts by itself leaving you pondering why you wanted to stay in bed longer in the first place. In both cases you realize that laying in bed after you've crossed the threshold of laying there was unnecessary and getting up wasn't that big of a deal as your mind made it out to be.

That's what it's been like lately. Old conditioning is still trying to pull me back into bed, but there's enough awareness to trust that if I get up anyway that it'll be OK, better than OK, the unease will lift. Of course there are still times that I forget that I'm still in bed. And not until after I shower, dress, go to work, eat lunch that I realize that I haven't got up yet. When I do get up, though, I also realize that I was never in bed. That I was out and about the entire time.

It still feels like this back and forth. But I've been rubbing my eyes more. With each rub, I can see a little clearer.

The Practice

Daily Meditation - 20 minutes (Skipped 2X)
Exercise - 30 minutes, 3 times a week
Toltec teacher - Monday
Byron Katie's "The Work" - Tuesday evening
Adyashanti Live Radio - Wednesday evening

Reflection

Out of all my practices this week, Byron Katie's self-inquiry workshop and the nitty gritty emotionality of being in a relationship have moved me deeper into truth than anything else. The gems are in the gutter.