Day 147

I didn't go to work today. I didn't call to see if there was work today. I stayed in bed half an hour passed my usual wake up time of six in the morning. Working as a substitute teacher provides me the privilege of making these type of decisions on the go. I got up, meditated for twenty minutes, had breakfast, and read a short story. It was a lovely short story. Then I thought, my job makes sense when I use the spare time to write. How much of my spare time do I really use for writing? I asked myself. The answer is maybe two hours a day, not every day. What type of writer does that make me? Many books on writing would tell me that a "real writer" writes profusely all the time. If I'm not a real writer, what am I?

The question leads to me the same answer every time. I am regardless of what I do. It just so happens that things are done within the I amness that I am. Sometimes that amness looks like writing, in other times it looks like walking, in other times it looks like thinking, and yet at other times it looks like making love to my boyfriend, who I'm going to see later today.

Why question the pull that is already there? The question doesn't get answered anyway. And if it does, it's the explanation of the mind to make itself feel secure. "I got it. I know why I'm doing this. I have a peace of mind for at least as long as I don't think about who thought of it in the first place."

Many a time, it's still easier said then done. The mind still wants to control and comment on what's already happening. But the pulls are clearer and the unquestioned mind stays still longer.

The Practice

Morning Meditation - 20 minutes
Evening Meditation - 20 minutes
Wednesday Afternoon - Pilates

Reflection

I listened to one of Eckhart Tolle's old video recordings called, "To think or not to think." As I was listening, I was also doing other things like financial research on the Internet and by hand calculations. I noticed that I was not thinking about either activity. I was not thinking about what I was listening to and I was not thinking about what I was researching. I was just doing it. There was a quietness and peace within the amness that I am. A voice came in here and there and reminded me that I should be giving my full attention to the talk. Then I realized that it was another thought and disregarded it.

The more time I spend not paying attention to my thoughts, the more they try to come back with a vengeance. I can feel them gurgling inside of me waiting to vomit all over the place so that they could stand on the side lines watching me cleaning up the mess. Sometimes they win.