Day 138

When my mother asked me to help her deal with the itinerary for the trip she is going to take in May, I thought to myself, I have better things to do. But then, to no will power of my own, it dawned on me that  this is what is. It's like anything else, but it's taking the form of me calling a few numbers and talking to some people. I did just that and two hours later I was done. I took a walk that I needed in much the same way that a dog needs to shake the water off after a bath it did not want. The dog doesn't stand there thinking whether or not it should do that, it just does. It's a natural reaction.

I used to force myself to sit there and take it. "I shouldn't feel stressed out, so I'm going to sit here and feel even more stressed out." Of course, the thoughts are on the subconscious level. We just feel like crap and then wonder why or tell stories about it when the remedy is already right there in front of us. It can be just as easy as taking a walk.

The Practice

Daily Meditation - 20 to 30 minutes

Reflection

At times it feels like the awakening process is speeding up and at other times like it's slowing down and still at other times like I haven't progressed at all. Of course, this is not a linear process. All are relevant. I'm seeing the driving forces behind my movement in life more and more clearly and with bigger blows. I placed myself under the pressures of other people just so I could feel that I have a goal. The things that I genuinely want to do have nothing to do with these pressures. I may want to do the same things, but NOT as I'm being shoved off the train.

I'm not sure how many of you know what I'm talking about, but if you've ever resisted trying a new type of food and then one day against all odds, you've decided to try it anyway and low and behold you actually liked it, that's sort of what I'm talking about here. You resist feeling certain things like guilt or doubt and then one day you say, "what the hell, I'm going to feel what it feels like to feel guilty without acting out of guilt." You will find that it feels like nothing you thought it would. It actually doesn't kill you. If you stay with the sensation of guilt long enough, you come to find out that it was not based on anything significant and even if it was, the simple act of seeing it, releases you from its grip. This exercise, if you can call it that, comes with a warning, it may dissolve the guilt completely or it may not. This non-resistance may have to be felt over and over and over again. But it sure beats feeling the same old wretched feelings without a way out.