Day 50

Pinning down habitual thoughts breaks down identification with them.

Yesterday in class, while the students were taking their Algebra I test, I had another one of my habitual thoughts, "I need to be writing right now." I actually heard the thought, as in "outside" of me and I didn't follow it. I wanted to see what would happen if I didn't automatically get on that train. I heard other thoughts calling me like "You can investigate this later like after school when you have more free and alone time. Take advantage of the quiet to do some story work." The dis-identified part of me or the watcher; although there are no different parts, but there's no other way to explain it, was stronger and it was pulling me home. In that world, the thoughts are not hindering, they are nothing but squirmy children in the playground that you let be.

In that moment of not following that next thought, I was suddenly there in the present. The students became even quieter than before. I was walking around the room and actually being in the room. When I looked students in the eye, I recognized myself in them. I rested in that place of no-thought. Thoughts were still going on, but I was not taking the ride with them.

The Practice 

Morning meditation - 15 minutes
Evening meditation and the talk on Mindfulness at Insight LA - 1 hour and 30 minutes

Reflection

The teacher at Insight LA did a more guided meditation and I found myself wanting her to stop talking so I could just be. Every time I would settle into stillness, she'd say something else. On the one hand, her talking was just another thing arising in the present moment; on the other hand, I could've gone to the Zen Center and wouldn't have had someone interrupting the focus. Then, I thought, "well, isn't life full of interruptions?" And so I settled into the moment and let it be.

Then again, during the talk on Mindfulness, every time she would say the word "mindfulness" it would take me to the mind versus quieting it. I wanted to raise my hand and ask her if "mindfulness" was indeed the best word to use to point to the stillness within. I did end up saying something, but it had nothing to do with what I really wanted to ask and I let it go.

On the drive home, I made two conclusions: mindfulness meditation doesn't work for me and I was judging the experience.