Day 24

I went to Peter Brown's Satsang yesterday. He doesn't call himself a spiritual teacher. He just knows himself and everything, to be the absolute. You can read more about him and listen to him on his website www.theopendoorway.org. I told him about my coffee shop experience and having been in reality or the realized state for several minutes; although, we're in it all the time, and his advice to me was to keep coming back to it whenever I can or remember, play with it, and don't condemn myself for so called "losing it."

He used the jail cell as an analogy to describe the awakening process. We all live in this jail cell. Most of us are comfortable in it because we know where the bed is, we know where the toilet is, and we get our three meals a day. The jail door is slightly ajar, but we don't want to leave the comforts of what we know, so most of us spend our lives inside the four walls. Then, there are those of us, either due to suffering or mere curiosity start to see that there's more to it and start lurking around the jail door. And little by little, we start peeking outside. Some of us find it to be too much and pull back, some are thrusted forward with full force, and some of us keep peeking out for years until we finally trust ourselves enough to walk out.

I asked him, "what about those of us who are not comforted by the jail any more, but can't seem to take the leap of faith forward?" as in my case. He called it the "integration process," the most dicy part in walking out of jail. He recommended that those of us integrating to go easy and start with touching the floor outside the cell, then take one foot out, and maybe another, and so on.

Last night, somewhere between a dream and reality, my heart began racing and I felt like I couldn't hold on. There was nothing to hold on to - not my bed, not my self-knowledge, not my family, not my experiences, nothing. But something inside of me knew that if I just let go, then I'll be fine. Instead, I woke up and went to the bathroom.

The Practice

Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Morning jog - 20 minutes
Peter Brown Satsang - 4 hours

Reflection

We can't "do" anything about our experiences. We can only be in them or more accurately, be them. Letting go of old conditioning and attachments can be a tiny step at a time process. "You don't have to terrify yourself," as Peter suggested to me and others. And what is this so-called process? It's as simple as being here now. Taking a breather from the chattering of the mind, telling it to go play, while you watch what's actually happening in reality. How do you do that? By sitting and listening to the beat of your own heart or the bird outside your window. By looking at a glass of water without labeling it or telling stories about it. By being with an animal and again, without stories. For how long, you may ask? As long as you want.