Day 31

I did not blog on Yom Kippur. It wasn't intentional nor was it by accident. I simply did not feel like it. I listened to the singing of my scratchy throat to slow down. I'm pleased to report that I'm feeling better.

Yesterday was another day of reflection at the Zen Center. We had to do three sits, followed by the precept talk, silent snack, and the precept circle. I have to say that I found myself in the state of resistance almost the entire time. First, I couldn't seem to get comfortable in my sitting. Then, I had the opportunity to see a teacher, so I sat and waited in meditation for about an hour, and when I saw her, she spent the third of the time with me that she spent with other people and I left a bit annoyed. Unlike previous times of choice and flavor, we had cheese and crackers for our snack. Neither my stomach nor my mind was getting any food and I began to feel my body contract from both the oncoming fever and the outgoing peace.

By the time I got to the precept circle, my heart barely left a crack for the sun to shine through. As people in the circle began sharing the dark sides of their soul, I began to see my own dark side. Things didn't go as I wanted them to and my reaction was to shrivel up, withdraw, and judge the experience. Interestingly enough, the precept we were discussing had to do with diversity and bearing witness to the joys and suffering of others. As I sat there in my closed state, a reminding thought came, "it has nothing to do with me, just listen." I put all my complaints aside and focused all my attention on the person talking. Miraculously, little by little, my heart began to open up and all was well again.

The Practice

Zazen at ZCLA - 1 hour 30 minutes
Face to face with a teacher - 3 minutes
Precept talk and circle - 1 hour

Reflection

I find that I'm able to choose my thoughts more easily and readily now. There is enough space in me to choose NOT to go there. Ganga Ji says that it takes practice to suffer, but peace is very simple and direct and doesn't take any practice. It's easier said than done when you think that you are your thoughts, but once that gap starts to open, then it becomes a matter of "do I want to suffer at this moment or not?"