Day 109

"It's not the freedom from. It's the freedom to." - Adyashanti

I used to think that I could be free from restlessness. It had been the restlessness that was the driving force behind most of my decisions. "I can't deal with this wretched feeling, so I will start a new writing project or get a boyfriend so that I won't ever have to feel like this again. If I could only occupy myself long enough to never have to face what it is I'm running away from. I don't know what it is, but I as sure as hell don't want to find out." When the projects fell through and I still felt restless with or without a boyfriend, the wretched feeling came back a thousand-fold.

Then, I stopped trying to fight it and briefly slipped into mild depression. Following the depression was the subtle realization that it's not the freedom from, it's the freedom to be restless to be affirmed this past Saturday by Adya. Yes, it's a feeling of dread. Yes, it's a feeling of meaninglessness. Yes, it's a feeling of helplessness. But no, it's not all there is to it. Beyond all those things is simply peace. The peace that comes with just sitting there and feeling restless and then letting it have you and then being fine with it and then seeing the beauty in the non-exceptional - that chair, that room, that effervescent feeling of restlessness.

The Practice

Friday - 15 minute meditation
Saturday - Adyashanti Intensive in San Diego
Sunday - 20 minute meditation
Monday - 15 minute meditation

Reflection

The latest koan has been, "What is this?" I'm here. But what's all that out there. There are people - sort of. There are objects - sort of. There are situations - sort of. Upon closer examination, it's all just happening and none of it is personal. I still get hurt in the impersonal, but it's like when you're kid and you continue crying minutes after the pain had gone. You do it for the drama. You do it because it's fun. You do it because you want to feel alive.