I turned in my membership application at the Zen Center and the moment I did, I immediately regretted it. I didn't know if it was my usual way of being, doubting doing something right after I do it, or an intuitive sign. I decided not to worry about it and see what happens. After the Dharma talk last night, some of the members pressured me to go to service and right then I knew that this is not the place for me. I don't meditate out of ritual or to conform to any one path when I know that many paths lead to the same place. Again, I let it be and waited to see what happens. Today, I get a call from one of the Dharma buddies congratulating me that my application has been accepted. I still have no idea how I feel about it, so I just listen and keep saying, "Ok....Ok...Ok..." She says something along the lines of "if you make a mistake at the Zendo, then it's your choice if you want to get embarassed about it or just fix the mistake." Surprisingly, I didn't react like I usually do, "Don't tell me what to do because I don't like walking on eggshells." Then, I had a realization, who says that I have to walk on eggshells?
The Practice
Wednesday Morning - 30 minute meditation
Thursday Evening - 30 minute meditation and Dharma talk
Friday Morning - 10 minute meditation
Reflection
I've been leaning towards the scary parts of my SELF. The usual reaction was always to lean away. But I find that welcoming what I don't want to see, what I don't want to feel, and what I simply don't want, is not as scary as it seems at first glance. And the reasons for avoiding those parts, more often than not, turn out to be elementary leftover beliefs that have absolutely no relevance at this point in time at all. Some parts are scarier than others. But I'm slowly inching towards those as well. Whatever doesn't kill me....
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