Wheatless Witness

 

Now that I’m on this “no-wheat and skip meals if I can’t find anything appropriate to eat” diet, I have enormous amount of energy. I can see things more clearly. I want to write all this stuff. I even started writing a new novel. I’ve been watching less Netflix. I began to revamp my website. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m going there fast. Did I mention it’s only been two days? What will a week do? A month? A year?

            I know. I know. Let’s not get carried away. Everyone who has ever dieted will tell you that things can shift back pretty quickly. The true test will take place with my next PMS, which is due to come up this week.

            But you know what got me, as never before— clarity. I can see clearer where the energy actually wants to go. I can see where I’m fooling myself. I can see my conditioning and I can watch it burn up. I can see how the body does not die if it does not get fed, if meals get skipped. (Warning: Skipping meals is not correct for everyone. You may take part at your own risk or consider getting your advanced Human Design chart done and it’ll tell you if it’s good for you to skip meals. Typically, the people who should not skip meals, do so all the time, and the people who should, are afraid an asteroid will wipe them off the planet (like I used to believe) if they so much as skip a snack. But please, consult with your doctor.) And oh yes, I’ve also been sleeping a lot less. 

Two Days Later…

 

So, after writing and writing for 5,000 words, all I kept feeling and hearing was: I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care. Why am I writing this stupid story? It’s sort of based on personal experience but set to the backdrop of an idea that won’t make me or the character look very flattering. It won’t stand the test of time. And I don’t mean everyone’s else’s time, just my own.

            Then I begin reading Jed’s interpretation of Apocalypse Now, the filmmaker’s journey, not the character’s and I realize that’s what I’m going through here. My own interior Apocalypse and all these stories I’m attempting to write on the outside are merely fun house mirrors of what’s happening on the inside. 

The Next Day…

“If you see through yourself, you will see through everyone.” – Jed McKenna (Jed Talks #2)

A dog barks. A slight panic-like feeling rises and it says: You need to work on the novel. A neighbor speaks loudly to another neighbor in Chinese. I remember to drop my shoulders. I take a sip from a second cup of coffee. I look for something, so I look around the room. I find nothing and then wonder why I looked in the first place. I’m documenting everything bit-by-painful bit because I want to catch myself red-handed when I attach to what appears.

            Why do I really want to explore the novel I'm working on?

            Vicarious living. I know I have enough material to write it. Gives me something to do.

            But it’s not what you want to do, I hear from beyond.

            Right. (I got distracted with what I will do if my long lost friend invites me to her wedding. She’s not even getting married yet.) What I really want to do is focus. Jed gives all this wonderful advice on how to get what you want through a co-creative process with the universe, which is really just one creator doing everything and it’s me. So what happens is that I get distracted by some other things I want: a house, better investment strategies, better way to make a living, writing stories, making time for family and friends. But the moment I approach these other things and get into them, I remember what I actually want and that’s to wake up from what Jed calls the Dreamstate, to cross Event Horizon, to realize Singularity, already understanding I’m already that. But the inquiry is not over. Mooji says, “Don’t stop there.” Even the relief of this realization can be observed. It’s not over. So more focus is required until the realization I AM wipes everything clean. So I keep poking at it and poking at it, creating some tiny and not so tiny holes in this balloon and any of these holes could pop the whole thing. So my job is just to keep poking whenever I’m not distracted, whenever I have focus.

            So I’m trying to focus.

            I remember my breath. I begin to hear the windchimes.

            “Is ‘I need to do something’ a fake?”

            Can it be observed?

            “Yes. But it’s sitting on top of something else. Another belief: Didn’t you say you wanted to be a self-published author and become independently wealthy?"

            Can that be observed?

            “Yes.”

            Stay with Pure I AM. (Website change: Add Ramana’s Who am I? and Mooji’s Stay as Pure I AM)

            (As I’m getting ready to meet with my parents, this is occurring: So most of the time there are no real decisions to be made, just imaginary hoop jumping. And in those moments when a decision is required, the obviousness of what to do takes over).  

            As far as my question above . . . 

                                                                         several hours later . . . 

The mind has me on a leash, but it only has the power to lead me if I’m unaware. With a little more help from realization, the focus becomes sharper, as well as the desire to focus. And it feels like an exciting kind of exercise, if I can call it that. Just stay as I AM. Once the mugginess of what that means is cleared, then it’s just a matter of settling there more and more.

            ‘ I need to do something’ can be mixed up with a true understanding that doing something is correct; however the something that I need to do is misdirected if it’s not angled toward the one thing that I want more than anything, in this case, full realization. So, it’s not that I can’t, it’s about aligning with the one thing that’s truly wanted.

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Quality & Non-Duality

I’m sitting under the stairs of a coffee shop like Harry Potter under the stairs of his aunt’s house before he became aware he was a wizard. I think I may just stick with nonfiction for now. Because it seems to be that’s what I keep writing about: my process, observations, where I go, what I do, what I see, what I think, feel, want to share with others… My one-inch picture frame is the corner of this coffee shop looking out at the rails of the trains crossing. A Hispanic woman crosses the street carrying two large bags. Where is she going? What are her days like? She looks like an errand type of woman who does too many things for her family who don’t appreciate her. But she doesn’t care, because she loves to be needed. That’s her reward: for her family to keep needing her.

            After texting with a fellow writer friend about starting our own writing magazine and publishing house, two gals sat down at the only other table by the window on the first floor of this coffee house to chat. That’s why I came here—the ambiance of chatter and coffee making. Words seem to flow better in public places. That happens to be what my advanced Human Design chart says—best luck and opportunities in public places, working with people one-on-one or in small groups.

            My writer friend sent me a two second video of him opening the bill inside a cool box. I liked it so much I asked him if I could include it in my blog. He consented, but then sent me what he considers better versions of the video. However all the subsequent clips are not of the same quality as that first one and here’s why:

            A word about quality—it is something you’re not trying to do. It’s just something that happens in the universe when you think no one is looking, reading, judging, waiting, etc…

            “I don’t love working here. It’s like, well . . . I’d rather be doing other stuff. I’d like already done other stuff like this . . . like working at restaurants. . . There’s other stuff I wanna do.” – Coffee shop girl.

            A middle-aged man came in to look at the artwork on the walls. He hasn’t quite decided if he wants to stay or not. Not. 

            Although I’m not yet sure that I will submit the first few chapters of my novel to a writing contest whose deadline is today, I prepared the chapters along with the cover letter. 

So the personality must be happening without me, despite me, within me, as a temporary focus point, but the focus doesn’t have to be there all the time.

            I keep jumping out because I’m not finding anything when I look within. And I’m not supposed to find anything within. But it gets quickly boring . . . stayed with it . . . got uncomfortable . . . stayed with it . . . got sleepy . . . stayed with it . . . had a thought: I came here to write . . . stayed with it . . . how long should I keep staying with it . . . stayed with it . . .

“Anyone with a simple theoretical grasp of nonduality—the certainty of one and certain impossibility of zero and two—has all they need to burn their ego structure to the ground. The concept of not-two is very powerful, so if you possess this bomb and you’re not either awake or in the throes of internal upheaval, then it never got into the right hands.” – Jed McKenna

So if I feel like I want more to do, then I didn’t get the message. So there’s no two, that means there’s only one here and it’s doing everything, including this personality and all the other personalities. And it seems like I’m seeing many. But it’s all me. Why does it still feel like so what? I still want my privacy. I still want a million dollars so that I wouldn’t have to work. Who’s wanting all these things? And if all these me’s can’t give these things to me, then does it mean that I don’t really want them?

            The ego self likes this and doesn’t like that. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s still the case. I’m aware of the one who’s aware of it, including the one who wants these things. And sometimes is willing to stoop pretty low to get them. There’s this contradictory self who also wants to lose weight, but at the same time still wants to eat pizza and whatever else its little heart desires. It fantasizes about having sushi with her husband later today. It’s doing it right now. It can’t wait to be done with all this writing business and be saved by her husband walking through the door and taking her away from her self and into a sushi restaurant. At the same time she likes writing about this stuff because it gives her something to do and perhaps a light bulb will go off and she’ll have answers to her questions or at least an answer to all questions.

            I don’t know why that bomb is not blowing everything up.

            Detach from the ego self. Watch it. Observe its functioning. Be as much interested in how it works as in what its current obsession is. You don’t need to stop it from doing what it does, just lay back and watch it like a movie.

I submitted my first chapters to the contest.

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Fake Sounds, Real Emotions

I’m creating an ambiance of a coffee shop by putting on sounds of HQ Coffee Shop off YouTube for an hour. The library won’t be open until 10 am and the coffee shop across the street doesn’t have a customer restroom. I want to take a break from Jameson. Besides, the energy got Kaldi on its mind. I made myself a breakfast veggie sandwich at home on the right kind of bread—Ezekiel.

I did it. I posted another blog. I fulfilled my purpose. The background noise has 14 minutes left. Isn’t it wonderful to be able to control your reality this way. Of course, the energy of others is a safe distance away. Because I don’t really have to deal with the outside world, there’s an element missing. Sometimes that missing element is good to miss. The comfort of home is here. I can go to the bathroom whenever I want. I can get up and walk around and no one will look at me funny or tell me to sit down. I can eat and drink whatever I want and no one will tell me I can’t bring outside food in or have social decorum force me to order something, even if I don’t want anything. Other times, lack of a real ambiance is an obvious hole. The constrictions of the outside world add to the ambiance. The seeming other who observes you also creates a distinct difference. This “being observed” changes how I behave, think, feel, and what I do. I also feel less alone, more involved somehow even if I’m not interacting with anyone.

            A minute to go on ambiance noise. Then I can go join the real world. Whatever that means. Just like that, background noise fades out like it never was.

I am now at Kaldi with my hot tea next to me to soothe the throat on this hot day. This extreme weather is effecting my system. And I’m on the outside world where it’s socially appropriate to order something, preferably right away. Let’s say if I didn’t order something like that one time when I was with an ex-boyfriend and he insisted we just sit there and don’t order anything.

I felt uncomfortable. The person behind the register was giving me a dirty look. I lowered my eyes, yet not fully understanding why I was feeling so guilty. I’d been coming there for years, always ordering; many times ordering a lot. Sh

ouldn’t that have secured me a time or two of not having to order anything? Which was what I told my boyfriend at the time. I ended with, “we should still order something.”

He went up to the girl behind the register, and instead of ordering, told her that she was making me feel uncomfortable. I turned crimson. The coffee shop girl said, “This is my place of business and you’re just sitting there and not ordering.” She was losing her cool. I thought she was going to call the cops or at the minimum throw us out. My ex said, “We might order something later. We just wanted to sit first. This is not how to treat your customers and I’m going to yelp about this.”

Granted, I never went back to that coffee shop again.

            But that’s how we get placed in our “correct places.” Try and not follow the rules of this world and doors will go slamming. But that’s not the case for everyone and it’s definitely not the case when people think they can get away with something behind closed doors and encrypted Internet spaces. It still comes back to emotion. If one feels bad about certain behaviors, then that one will avoid doing them. Guilt functioning as emotional paste combined with social agreements and we’ve got a fully functioning “dreamstate” as Jed calls it. You won’t let yourself off the hook and the world won’t either. The two keep perpetuating each other. So, I say, there’s gotta be a better way.  

            If, for instance, the inner emotional paste was no longer in service, would the world rules still exist for that person?

            “Emotion is the energy source of the dreamstate. Emotion is derived from fear, but fear is not compulsory because it’s not the only possible core emotion. There’s also agape, most resembling a natural state of wistful gratitude…” Jed McKenna, Jed Talks #1

            So, the answer would be, Yes. The rules would exist but how would our relationship to the world change if we were walking around in “wistful gratitude” versus guilt, which is another form of fear. Wouldn’t it feel more like lucid dreaming? I’m not me, I’m not the guilty one or the lacking one or the angry one, but I’m still wearing the body of someone who was. So this one goes out into the world, who knows the rules of this world, but doesn’t take them too seriously, but who wants to play the game where she gets to come back to this place over and over again. With wistful gratitude for being able to walk around in this dream all the while knowing that it’s a game she stepped into, plays her part the best way she knows how.

            “You didn’t create yourself, you are not the author of your character, so what is it about yourself that you take so personally?” – Jed

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