Now that I’m on this “no-wheat and skip meals if I can’t
find anything appropriate to eat” diet, I have enormous amount of energy. I can
see things more clearly. I want to write all this stuff. I even started writing
a new novel. I’ve been watching less Netflix. I began to revamp my website. I
don’t know where I’m going, but I’m going there fast. Did I mention it’s only
been two days? What will a week do? A month? A year?
I know. I
know. Let’s not get carried away. Everyone who has ever dieted will tell you
that things can shift back pretty quickly. The true test will take place with
my next PMS, which is due to come up this week.
But you
know what got me, as never before— clarity. I can see clearer where the energy actually
wants to go. I can see where I’m fooling myself. I can see my conditioning and
I can watch it burn up. I can see how the body does not die if it does not get
fed, if meals get skipped. (Warning: Skipping meals is not correct for
everyone. You may take part at your own risk or consider getting your advanced
Human Design chart done and it’ll tell you if it’s good for you to skip meals.
Typically, the people who should not skip meals, do so all the time, and the
people who should, are afraid an asteroid will wipe them off the planet (like I
used to believe) if they so much as skip a snack. But please, consult with your
doctor.) And oh yes, I’ve also been sleeping a lot less.
Two Days Later…
So, after writing and writing for 5,000 words, all I kept
feeling and hearing was: I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care. Why am I writing
this stupid story? It’s sort of based on personal experience but set to the
backdrop of an idea that won’t make me or the character look very flattering. It
won’t stand the test of time. And I don’t mean everyone’s else’s time, just my
own.
Then I begin
reading Jed’s interpretation of Apocalypse Now, the filmmaker’s journey, not
the character’s and I realize that’s what I’m going through here. My own
interior Apocalypse and all these stories I’m attempting to write on the
outside are merely fun house mirrors of what’s happening on the inside.
The Next Day…
“If you see through yourself, you will see through everyone.”
– Jed McKenna (Jed Talks #2)
A dog barks. A slight panic-like feeling rises and it says: You
need to work on the novel. A neighbor speaks loudly to another neighbor in
Chinese. I remember to drop my shoulders. I take a sip from a second cup of
coffee. I look for something, so I look around the room. I find nothing and
then wonder why I looked in the first place. I’m documenting everything bit-by-painful bit
because I want to catch myself red-handed when I attach to what appears.
Why do I
really want to explore the novel I'm working on?
Vicarious
living. I know I have enough material to write it. Gives me something to do.
But it’s
not what you want to do, I hear from beyond.
Right. (I
got distracted with what I will do if my long lost friend invites me to her wedding. She’s not
even getting married yet.) What I really want to do is focus. Jed gives all this
wonderful advice on how to get what you want through a co-creative process with
the universe, which is really just one creator doing everything and it’s me. So
what happens is that I get distracted by some other things I want: a house, better
investment strategies, better way to make a living, writing stories, making
time for family and friends. But the moment I approach these other things and
get into them, I remember what I actually want and that’s to wake up from what
Jed calls the Dreamstate, to cross Event Horizon, to realize Singularity,
already understanding I’m already that. But the inquiry is not over. Mooji
says, “Don’t stop there.” Even the relief of this realization can be observed.
It’s not over. So more focus is required until the realization I AM wipes
everything clean. So I keep poking at it and poking at it, creating some tiny
and not so tiny holes in this balloon and any of these holes could pop the
whole thing. So my job is just to keep poking whenever I’m not distracted,
whenever I have focus.
So I’m
trying to focus.
I remember
my breath. I begin to hear the windchimes.
“Is ‘I need
to do something’ a fake?”
Can it be
observed?
“Yes. But
it’s sitting on top of something else. Another belief: Didn’t you say you wanted
to be a self-published author and become independently wealthy?"
Can that
be observed?
“Yes.”
Stay with
Pure I AM. (Website change: Add Ramana’s Who am I? and Mooji’s Stay
as Pure I AM)
(As I’m
getting ready to meet with my parents, this is occurring: So most of the time
there are no real decisions to be made, just imaginary hoop jumping. And in
those moments when a decision is required, the obviousness of what to do takes
over).
As far as
my question above . . .
several hours later . . .
The mind has me on a leash,
but it only has the power to lead me if I’m unaware. With a little more help from
realization, the focus becomes sharper, as well as the desire to focus. And it
feels like an exciting kind of exercise, if I can call it that. Just stay as I AM.
Once the mugginess of what that means is cleared, then it’s just a matter of
settling there more and more.
‘ I need to
do something’ can be mixed up with a true understanding that doing something is
correct; however the something that I need to do is misdirected if it’s not
angled toward the one thing that I want more than anything, in this case, full
realization. So, it’s not that I can’t, it’s about aligning with the one thing
that’s truly wanted.
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