I’m sitting under the stairs of a coffee shop like Harry
Potter under the stairs of his aunt’s house before he became aware he was a
wizard. I think I may just stick with nonfiction for now. Because it seems to
be that’s what I keep writing about: my process, observations, where I go, what
I do, what I see, what I think, feel, want to share with others… My one-inch
picture frame is the corner of this coffee shop looking out at the rails of the
trains crossing. A Hispanic woman crosses the street carrying two large bags.
Where is she going? What are her days like? She looks like an errand type of
woman who does too many things for her family who don’t appreciate her. But she
doesn’t care, because she loves to be needed. That’s her reward: for her family
to keep needing her.
After
texting with a fellow writer friend about starting our own writing magazine and
publishing house, two gals sat down at the only other table by the window on
the first floor of this coffee house to chat. That’s why I came here—the
ambiance of chatter and coffee making. Words seem to flow better in public
places. That happens to be what my advanced Human Design chart says—best luck
and opportunities in public places, working with people one-on-one or in small
groups.
My writer
friend sent me a two second video of him opening the bill inside a cool box. I
liked it so much I asked him if I could include it in my blog. He consented,
but then sent me what he considers better versions of the video. However all the
subsequent clips are not of the same quality as that first one and here’s why:
A word
about quality—it is something you’re not trying to do. It’s just something
that happens in the universe when you think no one is looking, reading,
judging, waiting, etc…
“I don’t
love working here. It’s like, well . . . I’d rather be doing other stuff. I’d
like already done other stuff like this . . . like working at restaurants. . .
There’s other stuff I wanna do.” – Coffee shop girl.
A
middle-aged man came in to look at the artwork on the walls. He hasn’t quite
decided if he wants to stay or not. Not.
Although
I’m not yet sure that I will submit the first few chapters of my novel to a
writing contest whose deadline is today, I prepared the chapters along with the
cover letter.
So the personality must be
happening without me, despite me, within me, as a temporary focus point, but
the focus doesn’t have to be there all the time.
I keep
jumping out because I’m not finding anything when I look within. And I’m not
supposed to find anything within. But it gets quickly boring . . . stayed with
it . . . got uncomfortable . . . stayed with it . . . got sleepy . . . stayed
with it . . . had a thought: I came here to write . . . stayed with it . . .
how long should I keep staying with it . . . stayed with it . . .
“Anyone with a simple theoretical grasp of nonduality—the
certainty of one and certain impossibility of zero and two—has all they need to
burn their ego structure to the ground. The concept of not-two is very
powerful, so if you possess this bomb and you’re not either awake or in the throes
of internal upheaval, then it never got into the right hands.” – Jed McKenna
So if I feel like I want more to do, then I didn’t get the
message. So there’s no two, that means there’s only one here and it’s doing
everything, including this personality and all the other personalities. And it
seems like I’m seeing many. But it’s all me. Why does it still feel like so
what? I still want my privacy. I still want a million dollars so that I
wouldn’t have to work. Who’s wanting all these things? And if all these me’s can’t
give these things to me, then does it mean that I don’t really want them?
The ego
self likes this and doesn’t like that. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s
still the case. I’m aware of the one who’s aware of it, including the one who
wants these things. And sometimes is willing to stoop pretty low to get them. There’s
this contradictory self who also wants to lose weight, but at the same time
still wants to eat pizza and whatever else its little heart desires. It
fantasizes about having sushi with her husband later today. It’s doing it right
now. It can’t wait to be done with all this writing business and be saved by
her husband walking through the door and taking her away from her self and into
a sushi restaurant. At the same time she likes writing about this stuff because
it gives her something to do and perhaps a light bulb will go off and she’ll
have answers to her questions or at least an answer to all questions.
I don’t
know why that bomb is not blowing everything up.
Detach from
the ego self. Watch it. Observe its functioning. Be as much interested in how
it works as in what its current obsession is. You don’t need to stop it from
doing what it does, just lay back and watch it like a movie.
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