Fake Sounds, Real Emotions

I’m creating an ambiance of a coffee shop by putting on sounds of HQ Coffee Shop off YouTube for an hour. The library won’t be open until 10 am and the coffee shop across the street doesn’t have a customer restroom. I want to take a break from Jameson. Besides, the energy got Kaldi on its mind. I made myself a breakfast veggie sandwich at home on the right kind of bread—Ezekiel.

I did it. I posted another blog. I fulfilled my purpose. The background noise has 14 minutes left. Isn’t it wonderful to be able to control your reality this way. Of course, the energy of others is a safe distance away. Because I don’t really have to deal with the outside world, there’s an element missing. Sometimes that missing element is good to miss. The comfort of home is here. I can go to the bathroom whenever I want. I can get up and walk around and no one will look at me funny or tell me to sit down. I can eat and drink whatever I want and no one will tell me I can’t bring outside food in or have social decorum force me to order something, even if I don’t want anything. Other times, lack of a real ambiance is an obvious hole. The constrictions of the outside world add to the ambiance. The seeming other who observes you also creates a distinct difference. This “being observed” changes how I behave, think, feel, and what I do. I also feel less alone, more involved somehow even if I’m not interacting with anyone.

            A minute to go on ambiance noise. Then I can go join the real world. Whatever that means. Just like that, background noise fades out like it never was.

I am now at Kaldi with my hot tea next to me to soothe the throat on this hot day. This extreme weather is effecting my system. And I’m on the outside world where it’s socially appropriate to order something, preferably right away. Let’s say if I didn’t order something like that one time when I was with an ex-boyfriend and he insisted we just sit there and don’t order anything.

I felt uncomfortable. The person behind the register was giving me a dirty look. I lowered my eyes, yet not fully understanding why I was feeling so guilty. I’d been coming there for years, always ordering; many times ordering a lot. Sh

ouldn’t that have secured me a time or two of not having to order anything? Which was what I told my boyfriend at the time. I ended with, “we should still order something.”

He went up to the girl behind the register, and instead of ordering, told her that she was making me feel uncomfortable. I turned crimson. The coffee shop girl said, “This is my place of business and you’re just sitting there and not ordering.” She was losing her cool. I thought she was going to call the cops or at the minimum throw us out. My ex said, “We might order something later. We just wanted to sit first. This is not how to treat your customers and I’m going to yelp about this.”

Granted, I never went back to that coffee shop again.

            But that’s how we get placed in our “correct places.” Try and not follow the rules of this world and doors will go slamming. But that’s not the case for everyone and it’s definitely not the case when people think they can get away with something behind closed doors and encrypted Internet spaces. It still comes back to emotion. If one feels bad about certain behaviors, then that one will avoid doing them. Guilt functioning as emotional paste combined with social agreements and we’ve got a fully functioning “dreamstate” as Jed calls it. You won’t let yourself off the hook and the world won’t either. The two keep perpetuating each other. So, I say, there’s gotta be a better way.  

            If, for instance, the inner emotional paste was no longer in service, would the world rules still exist for that person?

            “Emotion is the energy source of the dreamstate. Emotion is derived from fear, but fear is not compulsory because it’s not the only possible core emotion. There’s also agape, most resembling a natural state of wistful gratitude…” Jed McKenna, Jed Talks #1

            So, the answer would be, Yes. The rules would exist but how would our relationship to the world change if we were walking around in “wistful gratitude” versus guilt, which is another form of fear. Wouldn’t it feel more like lucid dreaming? I’m not me, I’m not the guilty one or the lacking one or the angry one, but I’m still wearing the body of someone who was. So this one goes out into the world, who knows the rules of this world, but doesn’t take them too seriously, but who wants to play the game where she gets to come back to this place over and over again. With wistful gratitude for being able to walk around in this dream all the while knowing that it’s a game she stepped into, plays her part the best way she knows how.

            “You didn’t create yourself, you are not the author of your character, so what is it about yourself that you take so personally?” – Jed

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