The moment you become accustomed to the way things are, everything changes.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Yoga - 30 minutes
Evening meditation and class at a new place- 1 hour and 20 minutes
Reflection
Going to new places to meditate really wigs out the mind. The mind habituates to old places very quickly. "Oh, I know this cushion. I know that window. I'm home." Whenever it's at a new place, it goes, "Do I feel comfortable here? Do they know what they're doing? Will I come back again?" And then I settled, opening up my heart and mind. It was even easier to see how much time I spend in my head versus here in reality. And then I was in reality.
The change in perspective was immediately followed by "who am I?" The question is always lurking in the background, not wanting to be answered, but played with and known.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Day 48
"It's the insufficiency that's doing the search. It's the insufficiency that's striving for anything. But it's not the insufficiency that wakes up." - Adyashanti
I came face-to-face with that truth yesterday when I went to the coffee shop to write. I haven't been able to write consistently for the past month and so when I had a good two in a half hour session, I thought that would make me feel good, as in, "I've done enough." Low and behold, it did not feel like it. The more I wrote, the more I felt like I needed to keep writing. It felt like enough for a moment and then that sense of insufficiency came in and said, "What about all those times you did not write? And there are still a few hours left in the day, you can use them to continue writing and then you'll feel like you've done enough. And don't forget that you have to keep doing this every day from now on so that you don't fall behind again."
I didn't continue writing because something inside of me already knew that I was not going to get the feeling of "enoughness" through it. Instead, I listened to Peter Brown's sat-sang online.
Whatever it is we're striving for doesn't usually come from a place of fullness. Because when it does come from a place of fullness, we do whatever we do for sake of doing it, not the results we wish it will produce for us. And there's a qualitative difference between the two. It doesn't mean that we should stop doing whatever it is we do, but just become aware of where the motivation for doing it is coming from. For me, it has become difficult to keep up the climb when I know there's no destination to get to. If the climb is done for its own sake, then it is joyful and enough.
Whenever I feel myself running in place, I have to stop and center myself because there's nowhere to go.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Hiking - 40 minutes
Peter Brown Sat-Sang online - 1 hour
Reflection
I'm realizing that people meditate to see whatever it is they're running from. It may be an old pain, insufficiency, the fear of the unknown, etcetera. I've been noticing all of that and more as I continue sitting and looking. Whenever I feel a pang of discomfort in my chest, my first, immediate reaction is to mask it. "No, I didn't just feel that. Let's see, what do I feel like eating?" Whenever I don't run away from it and sit with the pang, feeling it vibrating and churning, it's not as bad as my mind made it out to be. It usually just goes away by simply putting my attention on it.
Whatever it is that we don't want to feel is actually our ally.
I came face-to-face with that truth yesterday when I went to the coffee shop to write. I haven't been able to write consistently for the past month and so when I had a good two in a half hour session, I thought that would make me feel good, as in, "I've done enough." Low and behold, it did not feel like it. The more I wrote, the more I felt like I needed to keep writing. It felt like enough for a moment and then that sense of insufficiency came in and said, "What about all those times you did not write? And there are still a few hours left in the day, you can use them to continue writing and then you'll feel like you've done enough. And don't forget that you have to keep doing this every day from now on so that you don't fall behind again."
I didn't continue writing because something inside of me already knew that I was not going to get the feeling of "enoughness" through it. Instead, I listened to Peter Brown's sat-sang online.
Whatever it is we're striving for doesn't usually come from a place of fullness. Because when it does come from a place of fullness, we do whatever we do for sake of doing it, not the results we wish it will produce for us. And there's a qualitative difference between the two. It doesn't mean that we should stop doing whatever it is we do, but just become aware of where the motivation for doing it is coming from. For me, it has become difficult to keep up the climb when I know there's no destination to get to. If the climb is done for its own sake, then it is joyful and enough.
Whenever I feel myself running in place, I have to stop and center myself because there's nowhere to go.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Hiking - 40 minutes
Peter Brown Sat-Sang online - 1 hour
Reflection
I'm realizing that people meditate to see whatever it is they're running from. It may be an old pain, insufficiency, the fear of the unknown, etcetera. I've been noticing all of that and more as I continue sitting and looking. Whenever I feel a pang of discomfort in my chest, my first, immediate reaction is to mask it. "No, I didn't just feel that. Let's see, what do I feel like eating?" Whenever I don't run away from it and sit with the pang, feeling it vibrating and churning, it's not as bad as my mind made it out to be. It usually just goes away by simply putting my attention on it.
Whatever it is that we don't want to feel is actually our ally.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Day 47
I woke up one morning and decided that I want an iPhone. I've had my blackberry pearl for over three years. I didn't get the iPhone bug during the hype with everyone else until now. Another indication that we each go at our own pace. But that's not even the point of the story.
Yesterday, I called AT&T to double check that I'm eligible for an upgrade as I knew I would be since it had been way over two years. Instead, I got another lesson on "don't assume anything." The representative informed me that I wouldn't be eligible until June of next year as I have already had an upgrade to a Nokia phone in October of last year. I spent an hour on the phone with her convincing her that I did not order the Nokia phone. I asked her to look at my phone history. She called and double checked with everyone she knew on her end and still she kept repeating the same two lines over and over that the order was placed and that I'm not eligible for the discounted upgrade until June, but I could pay the full price and get the phone now if I wanted to. Having known people who counted down the days until they were eligible for an upgrade to get the iPhone, I was not willing to wait another nine months when I was already a year and three months overdue on upgrading. I was convinced that someone hacked into my account and I demanded that the situation be resolved. She assigned me a case number and that was it.
When I hung up the phone, I decided to call my mother and ask her, just in case, if anyone in the family ordered a phone off of my number and contract, as my family and I belong to the same family plan. After building a case for myself with the AT&T representative for an hour, I come to find out that a phone indeed was ordered last October for my father. My mom told me not to worry because I could get an upgrade off of her phone number and simply put my chip into the new phone. I've calmed down at this point as I've burned all my fuel with the lady on the phone and I asked my mother to please inform me of these sort of things the next time and left it at that.
In retrospect, I realized that I was not in breath-awareness. Although, I was not as upset as I could've been, during that short period of time when I thought I was not going to get what I believed was fair, I turned into this "small self," as they say in Zen Buddhism, and switched on the desperate, helpless channel of "do something, I'm not getting what I deserve." The channel was not turned on for long, but it did snap me back to reality and reminded me that as long as "I want, I don't want" is manifesting, the channel will keep turning on.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 15 minutes
Peter Brown discussion group with my friend Nancy - 3 hours
Reflection
I keep noticing my mind wanting to worry about this thing or that. The thoughts that tend to pass are "I could do that," "Should I do this instead?" "That didn't feel good last time," "Maybe I should do more of this because it felt better," "What's going to happen?" Then, it kicks into planning mode: "first, I'm going to sit here for however long, then I'm going to write the post, then have breakfast...." Then, I wake up and go back to my breath.
Overall, it has become easier and quicker to get back to right here, right now verses the fantasyland in my head. The more I notice when I'm in my head, the easier it is to notice when I'm in my head. The noticing perpetuates itself.
Yesterday, I called AT&T to double check that I'm eligible for an upgrade as I knew I would be since it had been way over two years. Instead, I got another lesson on "don't assume anything." The representative informed me that I wouldn't be eligible until June of next year as I have already had an upgrade to a Nokia phone in October of last year. I spent an hour on the phone with her convincing her that I did not order the Nokia phone. I asked her to look at my phone history. She called and double checked with everyone she knew on her end and still she kept repeating the same two lines over and over that the order was placed and that I'm not eligible for the discounted upgrade until June, but I could pay the full price and get the phone now if I wanted to. Having known people who counted down the days until they were eligible for an upgrade to get the iPhone, I was not willing to wait another nine months when I was already a year and three months overdue on upgrading. I was convinced that someone hacked into my account and I demanded that the situation be resolved. She assigned me a case number and that was it.
When I hung up the phone, I decided to call my mother and ask her, just in case, if anyone in the family ordered a phone off of my number and contract, as my family and I belong to the same family plan. After building a case for myself with the AT&T representative for an hour, I come to find out that a phone indeed was ordered last October for my father. My mom told me not to worry because I could get an upgrade off of her phone number and simply put my chip into the new phone. I've calmed down at this point as I've burned all my fuel with the lady on the phone and I asked my mother to please inform me of these sort of things the next time and left it at that.
In retrospect, I realized that I was not in breath-awareness. Although, I was not as upset as I could've been, during that short period of time when I thought I was not going to get what I believed was fair, I turned into this "small self," as they say in Zen Buddhism, and switched on the desperate, helpless channel of "do something, I'm not getting what I deserve." The channel was not turned on for long, but it did snap me back to reality and reminded me that as long as "I want, I don't want" is manifesting, the channel will keep turning on.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 15 minutes
Peter Brown discussion group with my friend Nancy - 3 hours
Reflection
I keep noticing my mind wanting to worry about this thing or that. The thoughts that tend to pass are "I could do that," "Should I do this instead?" "That didn't feel good last time," "Maybe I should do more of this because it felt better," "What's going to happen?" Then, it kicks into planning mode: "first, I'm going to sit here for however long, then I'm going to write the post, then have breakfast...." Then, I wake up and go back to my breath.
Overall, it has become easier and quicker to get back to right here, right now verses the fantasyland in my head. The more I notice when I'm in my head, the easier it is to notice when I'm in my head. The noticing perpetuates itself.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Day 46
I don't feel very well right now. I'd rather go back to sleep. And I've already had over eight hours of sleep last night. I'm going to get some tea.
The Practice
Morning Zazen - 1 hour and 20 minutes
Dharma Talk by Roshi - 1 hour and 15 minutes
Reflection
The talk yesterday was about "thinking non-thinking." It's impossible and unnecessary to try and stop thinking. The practice of sitting is about watching what the mind does rather than prevent it from doing what it does. It's going to do it anyway and to fight it is futile. It's about noticing the different beliefs we have about ourselves. It's not about the content of thought. It's about the awareness that there is content. The content itself doesn't matter. We tend to believe that certain thoughts are more important than others or more insightful, but awareness itself doesn't care about our insightful thoughts, it just wants to be aware of itself.
The Practice
Morning Zazen - 1 hour and 20 minutes
Dharma Talk by Roshi - 1 hour and 15 minutes
Reflection
The talk yesterday was about "thinking non-thinking." It's impossible and unnecessary to try and stop thinking. The practice of sitting is about watching what the mind does rather than prevent it from doing what it does. It's going to do it anyway and to fight it is futile. It's about noticing the different beliefs we have about ourselves. It's not about the content of thought. It's about the awareness that there is content. The content itself doesn't matter. We tend to believe that certain thoughts are more important than others or more insightful, but awareness itself doesn't care about our insightful thoughts, it just wants to be aware of itself.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Day 45
I've been eating so much carbs this week you'd think I'm storing for winter. But I'm going with it because apparently that's what my body wants at this time.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Yoga at the park - 1 hour
Reflection
I had a very militant yoga teacher yesterday. "Up...down...up....down. Down dog. Up dog." I went at my own pace and had an amazing session. Even as everyone was standing up and I was still in the down dog position, I was exactly where I was supposed to be - going with my own flow. I didn't get caught up in the "I should already be in this position or that one."
It feels like thinking is becoming more of a choice than an involuntary response. Although, thinking does simply happen. It's our identification with any thought in particular that causes suffering. Some of you might be reading this and saying, "I'm not suffering from thinking. I rather enjoy it. And it's useful." What I'm talking about here is that subtle background feeling of discomfort or trying to get somewhere, but never getting there. For most people, it's still a normal way of life. It's hard to tell that you're suffering when means of escape still work like happy hour, television, social events, work, family drama, busyness, the next vacation, etcetera.
It's when they stop working, you get this "Uh-oh" sensation in the pit of your stomach and then you're forced to stare your suffering in the face. But why wait until that happens. Stop and feel when irritation arises. Stop and feel when anxiety arises. Stop and feel when boredom arises. Stop and feel when the feeling of "something is wrong" or "this is not enough" arises. Just stop and feel.
I'm doing the same with food at this time. Who's hungry me or my mind?
The Practice
Morning meditation - 30 minutes
Yoga at the park - 1 hour
Reflection
I had a very militant yoga teacher yesterday. "Up...down...up....down. Down dog. Up dog." I went at my own pace and had an amazing session. Even as everyone was standing up and I was still in the down dog position, I was exactly where I was supposed to be - going with my own flow. I didn't get caught up in the "I should already be in this position or that one."
It feels like thinking is becoming more of a choice than an involuntary response. Although, thinking does simply happen. It's our identification with any thought in particular that causes suffering. Some of you might be reading this and saying, "I'm not suffering from thinking. I rather enjoy it. And it's useful." What I'm talking about here is that subtle background feeling of discomfort or trying to get somewhere, but never getting there. For most people, it's still a normal way of life. It's hard to tell that you're suffering when means of escape still work like happy hour, television, social events, work, family drama, busyness, the next vacation, etcetera.
It's when they stop working, you get this "Uh-oh" sensation in the pit of your stomach and then you're forced to stare your suffering in the face. But why wait until that happens. Stop and feel when irritation arises. Stop and feel when anxiety arises. Stop and feel when boredom arises. Stop and feel when the feeling of "something is wrong" or "this is not enough" arises. Just stop and feel.
I'm doing the same with food at this time. Who's hungry me or my mind?
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Day 44
It's interesting to observe what connects people. I've befriended three people, two women and one man in their fifties, simply because the four of us are going through a similar awakening experience. We're drawn to the same teachers. We're noticing the same phenomena. We communicate in the same language. We can simply look at one another and know what the other is saying, trying to say, or doesn't need to say.
Every week or so we go to dinner and share our experiences, provide insights, and discuss the "undiscussable." I couldn't have asked for a better support group. They are the family I've always wanted. I love my family and they're a part of it all like everything else, but it's nice to have another family that I can connect with on another level.
Most of us consider our friends as family, but there is another kind of a family that we are connected to for reasons we do not know or understand. If there are such things as past lives, then these would be the people that have been here through each reincarnation with us. There's a recognition of oneness.
We went to dinner last night and the similar thread this week has been "moving invisibility." If you look at any object long enough, you will start seeing it move or waver. And if you stay still long enough, other people will barely notice that you're there, it's as if you're becoming invisible.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 10 minutes
Reflection
It's very easy to make meditation into "just another thing I have to do" when we start to become habituated. I began using that time to really look. I don't close my eyes in meditation, I keep them half-open and out of focus. But even then, if the concentration is not there to really look, the mind will take over.
To look, outside the meditation, is just as helpful. Next time you're in the car sitting in traffic, look at the red light or the tree next to you or the asphalt, without naming what you're looking at or analyzing it. Really....LOOK!
Every week or so we go to dinner and share our experiences, provide insights, and discuss the "undiscussable." I couldn't have asked for a better support group. They are the family I've always wanted. I love my family and they're a part of it all like everything else, but it's nice to have another family that I can connect with on another level.
Most of us consider our friends as family, but there is another kind of a family that we are connected to for reasons we do not know or understand. If there are such things as past lives, then these would be the people that have been here through each reincarnation with us. There's a recognition of oneness.
We went to dinner last night and the similar thread this week has been "moving invisibility." If you look at any object long enough, you will start seeing it move or waver. And if you stay still long enough, other people will barely notice that you're there, it's as if you're becoming invisible.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 10 minutes
Reflection
It's very easy to make meditation into "just another thing I have to do" when we start to become habituated. I began using that time to really look. I don't close my eyes in meditation, I keep them half-open and out of focus. But even then, if the concentration is not there to really look, the mind will take over.
To look, outside the meditation, is just as helpful. Next time you're in the car sitting in traffic, look at the red light or the tree next to you or the asphalt, without naming what you're looking at or analyzing it. Really....LOOK!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Day 43
I'm back to day-to-day subbing and I love it. We sure do get exactly what we want. Sometimes it takes doing the opposite in order to see what's right here already.
I'm writing things and erasing them. Nothing seems to be sticking. I could talk about this that happened or that, but I don't feel the need. The one thing that does come up is talking to the sub yesterday at the office. He asked me if I was having a hard time getting jobs and I said no. He said, "you must be the super sub." I answered, "must be." But really, I'm not doing anything to get these jobs. I got a called yesterday from another school asking me to sub on Monday for a class that I enjoy going to.
I've noticed that when I try to make something happen, it's usually an uphill battle, which doesn't necessarily produce results, but when I literally sit back and relax, then things just to tend to come.
The Practice
Morning meditation - 10 minutes
Evening Zazen - 30 minutes
Personal practice talk with Dharma Joy at ZCLA - 1 hour
Reflection
I've been blogging every other day, but I'm still sitting every day. During my conference period yesterday, I sat staring at the door knob for several minutes. It's amazing to notice when looking at something long enough how fluid everything is. There's nothing you can look at out there that's solid. Absolutely everything is constantly moving and changing. How can we ever attach to any one thing or thought when they're nothing, but ever-moving particles of dust?
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